Home→Forums→Relationships→Doubted my love to my lovely girlfriend once , and it’s driving my crazy !
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December 19, 2018 at 5:33 am #269947
BenParticipanthello ! I’m 22 and my girlfriend is 21 , we have gotten together 1.3 years ago , and everything couldn’t have been better until three weeks ago !
i started feeling this odd feeling in my back , and because most of my time is spent with my girlfriend right now ( we both went to the army , finished our service , did separate trips which we missed each other a lot and I even visited her midtrip for three weeks ) and when she came back two months ago things couldn’t have been better ! I never once doubted my love to her , but because her and computer were basically my life ( we got a lot of mutual friends so we went out mostly together too ) when something started to feel wrong I instantly related it to her , “maybe we spent too much time together” and what not .
ever since , I’ve been into a rollecoaster of doubts , to the point I started doubting my love to her , we discussed it a lot and she’s so caring and supportive and I’ve had a lot of ups this past three weeks with her involved too , but god the downs are horrible , I’ve gotten better since the beginning and I’m not just randomly crying in front of her but she means the world to me , I’m so scared of losing her rock my own ! Feelings .
im so anxious to the point I have the urge to vomit whenever I talk to her or think about her , and when we meet it slowly subside , it’s like everything is great but at the moment I overthink things I’m starting to lose it !.
im all down to work on my relationship , and keep telling myself that even if things got boring or something went missing we will work on it , I honestly can’t find anything wrong with our relationship up until now , we openly communicate about everything , with barely any fights . We have so much in common and the same humor but I feel like my own mind is blocking me from loving her like I used to , I’ve seen therapist twice and he kind of helped but I find it so hard to help myself , I was always the happy guy that helps everyone and never had a major breakdown like this and it seems I cant help myself like I do with other people
why can’t I shake that urge to vomit and body numbness whenever I start thinking about her ? When we meet and do stuff I’m having a great time and butterflies even come back sometimes but when we just chill on eachothers house and it’s gets a lil boring I’m starting to overthink and the symptoms return .
i slept so bad this last three weeks and wake up with overload of stress and thoughts , and when we sleep together she calms me down and the feeling I get when I can’t return the same love utterly shatter so my mood
I’ll be glad to get any insight or personal opinions about the case , I’ve seen a post here about the same “less love when I started thinking about it” issue and thought t can be nice to ask for help . Thanks a lot !
December 19, 2018 at 9:32 am #269989
ValoraParticipantDo you think part of you might be afraid of a deeper commitment or what comes with a deep commitment, now that you’ve finished the service and are together more often?
Sometimes the idea alone of that kind of commitment can be scary because the harder you fall, the more it hurts if something should happen to break you apart, so our minds (egos) tend to try to protect us by filling our heads with doubts and worries, even when everything else is going really well. It creates a fear response as a way to protect us from potential future pain, even when you’re happy with the relationship itself.
Did you also just get out of the service 2 months ago? If so, has your life changed a lot in that time? If you’ve been having to go through a big adjustment in other parts of your life, that might be part of it as well. Like you said, when things started feeling wrong, you instantly related it to her, but nothing might actually be wrong but just different.. but it might feel wrong to your mind because different is often uncomfortable and our minds sort of attach to what we know, so different often feels bad unless it’s an obvious good change. SO, if you’re experiencing a life change altogether that requires a big adjustment to what your life was like before, it could bring on these feelings and anxieties as well, even when nothing is actually wrong. Again, this is our mind’s attempt to protect us from pain by making us freak out (super counterproductive. haha).
If what I’m saying sounds to you like it could be right, try to meditate. Just simple meditation where you breath in and out slowly, counting to 10 in and 10 back out, try to let the thoughts pass through your mind as they come without really thinking much on them so that you can sort of quiet your mind and just keep shifting your thoughts back to focusing on your breathing. Do this for like 10-20 minutes twice a day if you can. Meditation has been proven in studies to be calming for mild anxieties and the extra focus and clarity that comes with doing it can help you sort of get past that voice in your head that is afraid and making you want to freak out and through to the calmness of your heart.
December 20, 2018 at 5:14 am #270105BenParticipantI doubt its a commitment issue to her , shes my first long term relationship and i have always searched for that one woman to stick with , but it may be a commitment issue overall .
You see , she made me a better person , before her i was always cutting my workouts , my diets , my everything basically .
She gave me motivation to do all those stuff , and now when we both got into basically a “choose what you want to be” road instead of a guideline wrote to us by other people (Army is a must over here) i was happy enough with her and had no need to search for a job faster or whatever , and recently noticed that i was slacking in food and workouts whenever i wasnt with her and gave myself a hard time “Cant you be motivated without her on your side ? ” now i know i love her , its like were meant to eachother , but it might be that after the whole after the army-before the trip – after the trip excitement ended and i got into a bad routine she started to bore me too ? , and im afraid that fixing my own life wont bring the joy back with her .
I know that staying in this situation wont the relationship aswell but its hard keeping your shit together when the most important thing in your life starts dying because of you .
And maybe im overreacting and its just a phase in a relationship ? i already read enough information to know feelings subside and love is more of a choice but it freaks me out that i cant “feel” my love to her .
My life changed alot , ive built up a name in the army and now after finishing my duty , doing my trip and coming back things have gotten , well , less exciting ? but she gave me all the excitement i needed up until 3 weeks ago when i started doubting my feelings . i know i have to get a job and start working on other aspects in my life without worrying about her but its so hard !
3 Months before i finished the army i had the exact same urges without a reason , so i went to doctors and they found nothing , and it all vanished a day after i was out of the army , that was shocking and terrifying , i didnt even think it was related ! .
maybe im just afraid of changes , in me , in my relationship and life in general ? .
I know relationships are not an easy task but why cant i accept that and start working on it ? it was just so easy beforehand .
I never stopped telling myself that i love her , i ever did a pros and cons of her and found out that all the negatives i named ive learned to like them , or atleast accept them .
December 20, 2018 at 5:29 am #270107ValoraParticipantYeah, I don’t really mean that it means you’re afraid to commit to her specifically, just that you might have an underlying fear of commitment to anyone in general, no matter who it is, just because of what commitment means. It’s scary to some for many different reasons. That may not be the case for you though, but definitely something to look into. No matter who you commit yourself to, your feelings are going to change, back and forth, you’re going to feel different types of love for them at different times and sometimes even no love at all. So even when you can’t “feel” your love for her, that doesn’t mean it’s not there, it just means it’s dormant at the moment and that really is okay and totally normal.
Fear of being bored in a relationship actually is a commitment issue… you might be feeling afraid to commit to one person because you’re afraid that you getting bored means she isn’t “the one,” but it might help to know that it is hard to keep the excitement in any long-term relationship and that boredom generally IS a phase. The length of time it lasts depends on the couple, but it just takes effort to get out of it (by taking her out and doing new things together to keep things exciting), but if you’re feeling unmotivated to put in that effort, that might be what some of the issue is, too. You can expect periods of boredom, monotony, ordinariness to come and go throughout the duration of any long-term relationship though, I think. Whether you’re with her or anyone else. So maybe if you just accept that those periods will be there sometimes and that it’s okay and that it won’t last forever, especially if you both go do new things together, then maybe that’ll ease your fears some.
Aside from the relationship, based on what you’ve said, I think you’re just feeling a lack of excitement in your life in general and maybe it’d help to find a new hobby that excites you. For example, one of my friends who is in the Army took up go-kart racing and looooves it (a lot of local men and women do this, build their own machines, and race them in competitions). There are lots of different things you can do, though, you just have to find the one that will really love. If you can find your excitement in a hobby outside of the relationship, you might not be looking for it so much in the relationship or for her to provide the excitement and that’d probably take some of the pressure off. She might even like to do that hobby WITH you, and that’d be a fun and exciting thing for you to do together that would bring you even closer (but don’t EXPECT her to want to do it, of course. Find something YOU will love to do and if she decides she wants to do it too, that’d just be a bonus).
December 20, 2018 at 5:47 am #270119BenParticipantI see , first of all thanks for taking your time and helping ! it really eases my mind
One thing ive seen that improve things in all aspects of my life is that whenever i feel passionate for something , it transfers into other parts , my issue is that my mind got used to search any type of feeling when either thinking about my girlfriend or being with her , and now everytime i get even the tiniest thought into my mind it can translate to something much worse .
When i just roll with it , not overthinking if the last joke she made actually makes me laugh or am i just faking it , things are more like they used to be , im not looking to feel anything but the love just shows up randomly and if not then its ok after all we did spend so much time recently , sleeping together and both had no jobs so we had a lot of time together for everything .
I hope that when i get a job , things will just return naturally , but ill always keep in mind that relationship takes work and its not as easy as i thought it will be . maybe things have actually gotten a little boring after so much time together , i mean , were only 1.3 years together but we already have been sleeping in eachothers house a lot , went to a trip together , being seperate for around 3 months before and after our trip (I finished mine and joined hers for a while) , a lot of mutual friends means a lot of nights together and barely any alone (We both had our friends circle and wanted eachother to have his life too , and that principle got kinda lost after the trip)
In general , ive always felt our relationship was really good , being really communicative , having so much in common and making up for eachothers weaknesses , i guess im really afraid of losing her and the first thought of what if made me lose it .
December 20, 2018 at 7:25 am #270141ValoraParticipantYou’re welcome!
And yep, I would just try to relax and go with the flow. You seem to be putting a lot of weight on things that really aren’t so significant (like whether or not a joke really makes you laugh… it’s okay if you’re faking a polite laugh sometimes. That’s normal). The important thing that you recognize is that you two are good together, you have a lot in common, and you truly enjoy spending time together… any issues that pop up should pale in comparison to that because that kind of relationship is quite hard to find these days, and the problems or doubts that pop up will likely happen in literally any romantic relationship you get into, so moving on to someone else won’t change those either over time… so the GOOD things about your relationship are really important and a good reason to stay with her specifically.
Once you get a job, you will probably have less time to overthink things, so I’m sure that’ll help too. And in the meantime, find a hobby you’re passionate about! That’ll benefit your life in more ways than one! 🙂
December 20, 2018 at 8:59 am #270175
AnonymousGuestDear Ben:
Reads to me that you currently suffer from significant anxiety (ongoing, intense fear not based on real life danger). The “anxious to the point I have the urge to vomit”, the “body numbness”, the “randomly crying” are all symptoms of anxiety. I personally know the urge to vomit and the body numbness. The numbness is the body being overwhelmed with the neural excitation of fear, so it numbs itself.
I don’t think that your anxiety is a consequence of your relationship, I think it is about the change in your routine and this is why it awakens when you feel bored, not engaged in the previous routine and excitements of the past, you get bored and you feel the fear that was there before, showing up perhaps as that odd feeling in your back at first.
When we suffer that intense distress of heightened anxiety, what follows is numbness and disassociation, the brain/body shuts down best it can, so that we don’t feel that fear much. But there is no way to shut down fear only, affection and love also get shut down. Another thing that follows intense anxiety is overthinking, the thinking-brain is trying to solve whatever problem it thinks is causing the anxiety. It looks for problems and tries to resolve those. But we don’t think effectively when scared. We do our best thinking when calm. And so, we are trapped in incorrect problem-finding and the solving of problems that don’t exist.
In other words, I don’t think your relationship is the problem. It suffers because of your anxiety but it didn’t and doesn’t cause it.
Will you let me know if this rings true to you, and if it does, we can continue to communicate.
anita
December 20, 2018 at 9:56 am #270215BenParticipantI know , thats what scares me the most , i know the thing we have between us is not easy to find , seeing my other friends and their dating world , and that fear just made it even worse .
I will seek to find a new exciting hobby , and get a job asap , when im relaxed i find interest in things i used to do before i started overthinking everything so thats something good too i guess , but ill surely try to change things up .
Thanks you so much ! .
First thanks for taking the time to reply !
Thats exactly how you describe it , i constantly try to find answer to why im feeling this way and because i didnt have plenty in life , the first thought that came to my mind was that it might be her , it didnt even start as a “do i love her?” type of question , it was more of a “maybe we spend too much together and i got bored” , either way it got me so frightened i really lost it in the first week .
Since then im slowly getting better , more good times with my girlfriend give me a little more assurance that everything is ok , but the downs are still there , i think the loss of the excitement that happens in any relationship and routine is general is just something that i find so hard to accept , and in any other circumstances id probably figured it out way faster , but because it involved my girlfriend , which is basically the most important thing for me right now i lost all proportion to whats really happening and it got me really down , and its hard to recover .
I keep telling myself that ill get so much stronger after passing it , and my girlfriend being so supportive really makes me fall for her all over again but when the down hits all the bad thoughts are coming back .
Even when i feel good , sometime that random thought jumps up and im starting to feel my throat again , i try not to let it take control but at the same time its really sucks .
Am i so scared of a regular routine ? i never thought ill get so lost when routine sets in , maybe its the “no routine” routine i have , without any job or actual stuff to aim for .
Thanks for taking the time to read !
December 20, 2018 at 10:21 am #270221AnonymousGuestDear Ben:
You are welcome.
Reads to me that you will benefit from quality psychotherapy where you will address your anxiety with a capable, empathetic therapist (not all therapists are created equal!).
Reads to me that you have a good relationship with a loving, supportive woman. It is really not possible to feel affection and love when one is consumed with fear. And really, we don’t do a good job thinking when afraid.
No matter where your thoughts take you, you better decrease this anxiety, regulate it before relying on your thinking on this issue, your relationship. It is not time to think, I think (and I am calm thinking this…).
When I attended my first quality therapy, my therapist at the time taught me skills, or using his words, provided me with a tool box, a box with tools to regulate the anxiety at this or that circumstance. At one time, I picked up the take-a-walk-outside tool, at another, listen to a short guided meditation (of the Mindfulness theme), at another, yoga, or other exercise, or a hot shower… or a talk with a supportive friend. You keep noticing how you feel and when you notice that your anxiety is increasing you choose one of the tools. You can even carry with you a list of those tools.
When you find yourself anxious and thinking, postpone the thinking and relax, do the thinking later, when you calmed down.
It is quite common for anxiety to focus on this or that when it is not about this or that. Anxiety is like this energy that is floating around in the brain, restless, looking for a place to nest a nd rest. Your anxiety happened to nest in your relationship, but from your description it is the wrong nest.
Regarding the right nest, the origin of your anxiety (we are all anxious by the way, we people), it may be something you will explore in therapy?
anita
December 21, 2018 at 1:08 am #270285BenParticipantI visited a therapist twice already , and he didnt actually give me a toolbox but helped me realise my fear is not rational , and to treat the bad thoughts as a background noise , you can check it , try to figure out what is it , but not to be afraid of it .
He told me emotions are a result of our thoughts , and i just need to figure out whats wrong .
Im sure that as soon as i can detach my thoughts from my girlfriend i can actually solve whats wrong with me , but that fear and that feeling something stuck in your throat , and when its not that then its that back feeling all over again just drive me nuts .
Maybe im bored , maybe routine hit me , but that has nothing to do with her , so why cant i detach my thoughts and feelings from her ? why cant i love her like i did a day before i started overthinking it ? ive been told it takes time but it is just so hard to wait for answers instead of looking all around for them .
I honestly just want to be like any other couple who knows when something is wrong and works on the issue , but instead im pacnicking and that effects every aspect of my life .
Were on the same boat after all , it only depends on whether i jump out and “save” myself or try to take out all the water inside (Which not even sure exist outside my mind) .
How can i stop looking at her without expecting that tight throat and weakness to appear ? because when im not expecting i feel better , yesterday after reading the comments here i was more calm , managed to work on stuff that related to me and had fun with my girlfriend , even though i didnt feel butterflies or whatever (Not like the beginning anyways , weve already passed that stage i presume) but then i did a quick nap before going out with her and friends and woke up horribly bad , overthinking got one over me and the night was bad , and when i woke up with her i just hugged her so hard because i was literally shaking .
A friend told me that even when im not with her , i think about her and thats not good , and i should focus on my stuff without thinking about how i feel or how i will feel the next time i see her , but its so hard .
What can i do to detach myself from those thoughts and actually work on myself ?
December 21, 2018 at 12:05 pm #270339AnonymousGuestDear Ben:
Seeing that therapist twice is not enough and maybe you should see another therapist. Can you see another therapist for a few months, twice a week or so, or three times a week for a couple of months to start?
What the therapist who you saw twice told you, that “emotions are a result of our thoughts” is partly true but not completely true: thoughts trigger emotions, true. But it is also true that emotions exist and hitch on thoughts, like people hitching rides on a highway. So there is fear in your brain and it hitches a ride in this thought or that thought, each thought is like a vehicle in which the fear travels.
If you repeatedly have these anxiety symptoms when you see your girlfriend, but not when you are apart from her, it will be okay to take a break from the relationship, until you get better, get the help you need and figure things out.
So far I assumed there is nothing wrong with the relationship, but am I correct? Do you have any concerns about her or the relationship being harmful to you in any way, be it a subtle way that you think shouldn’t matter (but it does matter)?
One more thing: what is the nature of your relationships with your parents, past and present?
anita
December 22, 2018 at 8:07 am #270417BenParticipantIm probably going to see a new therapist this week , to see if the former one was good or he was just the first one .
Me and my girlfriend dont believe in taking a break , we see it as a problem we need to pass together in order for us to grow up as a couple and for me as a person , if wed have to take a break everytime im getting doubts then it surely wont work i guess ?
Nothing is really wrong with our relationship ,because of the whole situation i had some thoughts about wheter the relationship is what causes it and thought about alternatives and that me made more stressed , we communicate very well , we see eachothers quirks and accept them , we got the same humor ( Even though recently i focus mostly on the tight throat and weakness so its hard to laugh from anything) and we have the same plans for the future , everything should be great !
One thing i noticed this weekend is that whenever i dont have that tight throat and weakness , i instantly recognize that and think about where did it go and whatever , its like im “searching for it” all the time , and ofcourse it comes back .
Id say nothing is actually wrong with our relationship but me ? we were sitting in bed today and things were going fine , casually cuddling and laughing on instagram or whatever and i felt my throat , i just tried to avoid thinking about it , and after like 30 minutes my mind wondered to a thought about what will happen if we broke up and suddenly the throat feeling transformed into a “almost puke” coughing and then she asked me what was i thinking right now (knowing most of the times this happens is when i think about something bad) so i asked her “what if everything goes great with all the rest but the tight throat stays when im with you ?” which is a thought i had this past few days and she told me “Then maybe its not meant to be” and i felt like i took a kick in the stomach, she obviously told me she didnt believe in that , and i shouldnt too , but i took it pretty hard and it was like a wake up call , atleast thats what im thinking , to show me that i do love her , im just so terrified of the worst possibility happening that i cant calm my mind down
Its not like im stressed all the day , but im having the tight throat most of the day , and i can tell that when i look at her my mind instantly looks for that feeling ,and if its gone then i look for that feeling in the back , and its like a cycle that always brings that feeling and fear back , and ofcourse it will ! i keep searching for it , and i really try to break the pattern but its so hard .
One thing that was actually good about this whole month is that it really made me grow as a partner ,It made me stop taking love for granted and thinking everthing will be easy and its not that “i cant see life without her” that will obviously be a childish thought , but its more like “i dont want to see a life without her” , I can imagine my life without her , it just makes me feel really bad and really makes me motivated to work on myself , but the “what ifs” still hangs there like a rope in my throat , even when things are going great the thoughts still come and go and really makes it hard to fully love my girlfriend .
About my parents , our relationship is good , me and my dad used to fight alot about stupid things , and he used to say things you dont stay to your son , the worst being “Regret you were even born” but he used to be more short tempered and even though things hurted me , i tried not taking things to heart , because both of my parents are mostly caring and giving , but yea we had the fights and me and my dad still have those fights , hes more calm though . hes more religious too and kinda tries to get me to be more religious with him but i always tell him “im not doing it for him” and if i wanted i would .
Again , thanks for taking the time to answer my messages !
December 22, 2018 at 9:30 am #270427AnonymousGuestDear Ben:
You are welcome.
You wrote: “Me and my girlfriend don’t believe in taking a break, we see it as a problem we need to pass together in order for us to grow up as a couple“-
Let’s say your significant anxiety problem is all yours and nothing to do with the relationship being wrong for you, and your girlfriend wants to help you. She needs help so that she can help you, in other words, the two of you can attend psychotherapy together, as a couple. In therapy, she will be the extra ears for you, reminding you what the therapist said and suggested. She can remember things to tell the therapist while in sessions, things you forgot or things you didn’t notice.
There are exercises the therapist can suggest that the two of you do together later, after the sessions.
You wrote that you and your father used to fight a lot. How young were you when those fights started and how did such fights come about?
Where was your mother at the time those fights started, did she intervene?
anita
December 22, 2018 at 11:15 pm #270513BenParticipantBoth my father and my mother were on the same page most of the times , and it even started from the simple stuff like washing dishes .
today I woke up earlier then my girlfriend , thoughts started running , my urges kicked in and I broke down , I just hugged and started crying saying “i can’t do this anymore ,this feeling tears me apart , I can’t stand not being able to love you like I did” she hugged me back saying everything is going to be ok , and I’m going to be okay , but I just can’t , I can’t stand this feeling anymore ,even when I’m not with her right now I feel my throat and I want to visit her , she made me such a wonderful person and I’m taking everything I accomplished and throwing it to the trash , I’m such a mess .
and I can’t bring myself to believe in me or in the relationship , I’m telling myself that once I’ll be ok everything will be better but I just can’t bring myself to fully believe that , why do I have to make the mistake in order to learn ? I don’t want to realize how much I love her after we end it , I want to work on myself with her but it’s so hard , it’s like I can’t stop focusing the negatives thoughts , and that childish approach to love , searching for any kind of a good feeling in order to reassure everything is great , when in reality all I do is scare myself more , the only thing that is not allowing me to fully enjoy time with her is that tight throat and that back feeling that comes and gos, she’s my best friend and an amazing lover , first sign of struggle and my mind is bailing ? I hate myself so much for letting myself down over and over and over again .
December 23, 2018 at 3:17 am #270515AnonymousGuestDear Ben:
I didn’t want to mention it before because I avoid bringing up any kinds of diagnoses in my communications with members. For one, I am not a medical doctor, nor am I a doctor (PhD) of any kind, neither am I a health care professional, and even if I was a medical doctor, it wouldn’t be responsible to diagnose a member based on this kind of communication online.
Therefore the following is not my diagnosis of you: there is a term, ROCD, it stands for Relationship Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Lots of anxious people are obsessed (keep having the same thoughts, or the same theme of thoughts) regarding their romantic relationship, doubting if they love their partner, checking repeatedly what they feel, to reassure themselves that they still love the partner, and so on, just like your wrote here in your most recent post: “I can’t stop focusing on negative thoughts… searching for any kind o f good feeling in order to reassure everything is great”.
If you are not familiar with the term, OCD with the R in front, maybe looking it up will help. Let me know if it does, will you?
anita
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