Don't want to be friends with her anymore

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September 14, 2016 at 1:25 am #115100

ccn
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Hi all, thank you so much for your comments and perspectives in my previous thread.

An aburpt end to an ambiguous same-sex relationship

It was very helpful in helping me see things in a differnt light. Perhaps because of your helpful replies, I am starting to see things differently.

Long story short, I was in a 5-year same sex relationship that was never acknowledged as a romantic one, although it was very loving and intimate. Recently the other person (let’s call her Y) started dating a guy she met from work. We thus ended our relationship on good terms, she asked and I agreed to continue to be good friends. At that time, I couldn’t see why not, as we were never ‘romantic lovers’ as such and I am generally good at maintaining friendships. However I distanced myself from her emotionally as I couldn’t stand being intimate with her while accepting that she has feelings and affection towards someone else. Today she texted me about officially going into a relationship with that guy. I was surprisingly calm, although it did sting a little bit. I just said, “Cool, good for you!” She then went on to say she feels she is losing hold of me, and her old friends (she is taking a year out from university to do a placement year). She feels disconnected and unsupported, even with the new guy she is dating. I told her I will respond to her later as I wasn’t sure what to say.

My feelings/love for her went from :

(a few weeks ago) – heartbroken but promised to love her as a friend forever, be there when she needs me and never turn my back on her (which I did for a week or two, I was caring and patient whenever she was feeling down/tired), to

(these few days) – not wanting to give her unconditional love while she spends her time missing someone else, don’t really want to be involved anymore, not needing her in my life anymore, not wanting to satisfy her emotional needs. After all I am not her partner!

The reason I feel surprised by myself is that, I thought my love for her had no ends. I thought I would forever care for her, be her loyal companion through life, and that I could not let this person slip away from my life. This has seemingly changed.

How is this change possible? If I tell her now that: “no, sorry I don’t want to love you like I did before, I am happy to not hear about you again”, I risk hurting her, losing a loving friend, and is simply not in line with how I envisioned myself to be. Should I trust my feelings? How could I go from loving her unconditionally a few weeks ago, to feeling that I can imagine a life without her now? Or should I be more ambiguous in telling her I now feel hesitant to give her my energy and love? I have always aspired to be supportive and caring, but now what I want (or don’t want) is going against my ideals. I somehow just want to be the ‘bad’ person this one time. But I am scared I will regret doing so.

Have you been in a similar situation that resonates this? Am I missing some obvious points? Any comments/questions/advice are welcomed.

P.S. I hope I find peace soon, and would probably try to write a short piece sharing my experience and lessons learned from this episode of my life.

September 14, 2016 at 4:51 am #115107

Anouska
Participant

I’ve been in a somewhat similar ambiguous situation with a same-sex friend, except that in my case, my friend was married. However she said she wanted to leave her husband for me, but at the same time said she wanted to also go on dating other guys, perhaps perceiving that I’d be more willing for that sort of an arrangement than her husband was. In the end I realised she just wanted to have her cake and eat it too, and I think you may be heading towards the same conclusion. It doesn’t make the other person any less warm or supportive, it’s just that they are also selfish in that respect. It is up to you, and only you, to set the limits and think about what you’re comfortable with. What is the relationship you want? Can this other person, no matter how lovely and warm, provide you with that relationship? If not, then sorry to say, but moving on is your best bet. Your (girl)friend may be hurt by your decision, but which one is better – for her to be hurt by a decision she has ultimately made, or for you to be hurt by it?

September 14, 2016 at 5:03 am #115109
Inky
Participant
Hi again Charlotte!

I haven’t been in your situation, but here’s what I did when I wanted to shed a friend politely.

I limited the amount of contact I had with him and I also limited the time/words.

From communicating every day the next month I wouldn’t write/call back on Sundays. The next month it was the weekends. The month after that I would only respond Monday thru Thursday. Finally every other week. At one point he went a bit crazy. But you know what I did? I let him go a bit crazy. Eventually we were “normal” together. We are friends to this day. But friends in small doses. Instead of long novellas in my texts it’s more one line sentences and an emoji.

You know what else happened? RESPECT for my feelings, and THOUGHTFULNESS in what he would say to me.

Actions speak louder than words. Yes, you distancing yourself will be awkward. Let it be awkward. Telling her will hurt her. This too will hurt her. Let her figure it out. That she can’t use her friends as “support” and constant security blankets. You are protecting your heart. You don’t have to friggin’ tell her WHY you’re doing limited contact. Just limit contact. And you don’t need to give her “closure” (if she asks for that one day). She can give herself her OWN closure. One day she’ll realize that *gasp!* you are a PERSON with a heart that can break and a soul that can yearn. That you have a LIFE (to go to post-grad studies) and a FAMILY (that you can show off your relationships to).

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
September 14, 2016 at 7:52 am #115113

Nina Sakura
Participant

Hey Charlotte,

I went through your other posts and all I can say is: Its okay, do what is right for you.

You are hurting, you spent 5 years with her emotionally invested, you had physical relations with her – she wasn’t committed to you in the relationship but you were. I am not surprised she moved on like this with that guy – if she couldn’t acknowledge you two in so many years, what future were you expecting anyway?

And you don’t have some damn switch like a robot without feelings where you can be like “sure, be nice to me and break my heart while caring for me. i love you too much to hurt you but you can” – i am sure she has other friends in her life too for this emotional support and loneliness problem. It is not your duty to deal with hers in any way.

I agree with Inky, maintain space from this person, let it hurt her but please stop letting this situation hurt you.

You aren’t happy – you are heartbroken and guilty over feeling what you feel….Get ahead with your life. You deserve someone who wants to be with you for real, not this ambiguous blurry line…think about it, would you have continued your whole life doing this?

Maintaining this association of ambiguity while she moves on…think about it, she gets married someday while you are still in love, still angry at her and yourself for not moving ahead…

dont you deserve better?

Regards
Nina

September 14, 2016 at 8:56 am #115122

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Charlotte:

In life, you have to be flexible enough to allow change within yourself. You wrote: “I thought my love for her had no ends. I thought I would forever care for her, be her loyal companion through life, and that I could not let this person slip away from my life. This has seemingly changed.”

Let’s look at what you wrote: you used to think and feel that you will ALWAYS love her/ be at ther side FOREVER MORE.

These thoughts and feelings were specific to the circumstances of the past: she didn’t have a boyfriend yet. When she started a relationship with the boyfriend, your thoughts and feelings changed.

By being flexible, I mean, evaluate new developments in relationships as they happen. Animals in nature adjust to new developments so that they can survive. For example, if a deer spots a predator, it runs away. If it spots something to eat, it will approach it to investigate. If it smells fire, it will run away etc. It is necessary for us as humans to do the same thing: change our behavior as new input about our environment enters our awareness.

We are not computer programs that you can program to always operate a certain way, no matter what and forever more. We can feel this way at times, but it is not a lifetime programming. Our feelings let us know what is happening around us. For example, when a deer spots a predator it feels fear. Fear motivates it to run. When it spots possible food, it feels a desire which motivates it to approach and investigate.

Feelings carry messages about what we need. When you felt forever- love for her it is because you need loving interactions in your life with a partner. When you felt the different distressing feelings once she had a boyfriend, it means that you (still need loving interactions in your life with a partner) but you also need that partner to be exclusive with you.

anita
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