Dear Eli:

You ended your original post with the question: “leave him or stay with him and be wait and be responsible for my  acts?”

There are  three parts to your question:

1) “be responsible for my acts?”- you are already responsible for having a relationship because you choose to have a relationship; you don’t have to. You are not threatened with hunger or homelessness or violence  if you end the relationship with him, this means you are free to choose. You have made  a choice to have  a relationship with him so far and you can make  a different  choice next.

2) you presented three choices:

– a. “wait (for him)”- wait for him  to leave his wife, you mean, to leave his children with his wife so to make  a home  with you, is what you have  been   waiting  for, correct?

– b. “stay with him”, that is keep the relationship as is,  not waiting for him to leave  his  wife, correct?

-c. “leave him”, meaning not waiting and not accepting the relationship as is, but leaving.

Well,  I  will be away from the  computer for a while. Would  you like to make two lists: one of the advantages you enjoy and expect to continue to enjoy for each  category, a, b and c, and the other list, the disadvantages and distress you already suffered and think that you will suffer for each category, a, b and c?

One more thing, his children, how old are they, how many, and  are they better for  him being a relationship with you or will it be better for their well being  if he  is not in a relationship with  you?

anita

Dear Eli:

I know that for us to be good people, we have to first think about the welfare of our children, all minor age children. This is what makes us good people, when we have their health in mind, their physical and mental  health. His children, five years old, twelve and sixteen, they all need the same thing: peace and calm in their homes.

If your relationship with  their father brings  about war in their homes, fights between their parents, then you must end the relationship with their father immediately.

I asked you if you’d be hungry or homeless earlier, if you didn’t have his financial support. See, his children need him in so many ways, financially, but equally as important, or more important, they need him to be calm, they need their mother calm, so that they do not live in fear.

Talk to him, direct  his attention to their well being, as well as your attention. After that, then direct your attention to  your self  interest.

Do you agree with me?

anita

Dear Eli:

Regarding what you wrote here: “why we must waste our life for  kids that when they grow up they go to their life”- better  not have kids then. Anyone not interested in investing a whole lot of time and  effort so that their children grow up in a calm, peaceful home with kindness and loving attention, should not bring children into the world.

Regarding your story, first I will repeat it: five years ago you met and started a relationship with a married man. This married man has a 16 year old from his first marriage. He is currently married to his second wife and has two younger children with her, a 12 year old and a 5 year old. He is unhappy in his marriage and is  staying in it, he  says, because of his children. He had  girlfriends while married before he met you (mistresses, is the word you used). He told you that  his wife “always make fight  and problem for every  thing” and  that he “one  time tried divorced her”, but did not.

The two of you live in the  same town or city, he visits you daily in your place and the two of you travel together. He covers a lot of your living expenses, travels and  shopping, and you are comfortable. He  told you that he will tell his wife about you and if she  will not be okay  with it, then “she  can go”, but he did not tell her.

You wrote that your problem is that  you “want  to have  baby” and  you want him to  leave his wife. You  feel “so jealous and  angry” that his wife goes shopping, and  you fight with him about it. You had a job but left it because you wanted “more time for traveling going here and there”, and he financed those  travels. If the relationship with him ends you will not be hungry or homeless but you will not be  able to travel and shop.

You wrote that you are not sure if you “want to live with him forever or not”, that  you are “not sure  about marriage”, but you do want to “be free (to).. go everywhere we want and  do everything we  like” and  not “be always worried about his wife”.

You wrote that you are not the “source  of problem” in his marriage, that it is not your fault that his wife can’t keep her husband committed to her (“it’s  not my fault his wife can not commited her husband to  herself”), that if you left him, he  would have other mistresses, just like he did before he met you, and that neither you nor him, the father of the five  and twelve year old, should “waste  our lives for kids that when they grow up they go to their life”.

The second  part  of my  post is my  input: what is most important to you, perhaps the only important thing, is  to be comfortable and free to do as you please, preferably to  not have a  job so that you can travel and shop whenever you feel like.  You want to spend an enjoyable time with this man, a lot  of it but not necessarily forever or be  married to him. You don’t want him to  be married so  that he spends more time with you and no other woman competes for his financial resources, that way you can travel more and shop more.

My advice:

1. Do not  get pregnant and  do not have a child: being pregnant for nine long, long  months is very uncomfortable. If you had complications (and the chances are greater when older, not in  early twenties, let’s say), you will not be able to travel or shop. There is lots  of discomfort and distress with carrying  a  baby in your body, and then, after birth, there is the feeding, changing  diapers, being  awake at  nights, tired, distressed, day after day, week after week, month after  month,  for years.

You are concerned about  wasting  your life for children, well, don’t waste your own!

2. Because this man had girlfriends before he met you, and you believe  he  is in that habit and will have girlfriends / mistresses if you left him, and because you do not contact or communicate with his wife or children, not trying to directly cause trouble in their home by direct communication, better stay in this relationship and  be as comfortable as you can be. You don’t have all of his time, but lots  of women don’t have all of the time of their boyfriends, even if the boyfriends are single  and even when married to the man of interest!

His wife spends money shopping, taking money away from your interest, but then men spend money on gambling and other things, so even if a  man is your husband, the money often goes to interests that you don’t share or enjoy.

Better stay with him, don’t ask him questions about his wife, questions that will upset you. Be satisfied best  you can with what  you do have, a comfortable  life.

anita

Hi Eli,

For what it’s worth: YES! You should date other people.

And not make a secret of it, either.

Good Luck,

Inky