Does one need to think of other people 100% of the time in order to be nice?

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years ago by RamoneJoseph.

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March 20, 2017 at 6:49 pm #140865

Henry Alec McLeod
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I am going to keep it short, simple and to the point, I am guy who thinks all or nothing. This is because I view two different opinions contradictory to each other. Like, someone can’t be nice and mean at the same time. Nor can someone be happy and sad at the same time. This is what I think and view as truth.

I am also a guy who doesn’t believe in temptation. We are complete control of our thoughts and desires. And as an adult, I am completely aware of the consequences of my actions. It would be foolish for me to think “I just want to go to jail today.”

This black and white thinking has made me me think of either two options; Loving myself or loving other people. I’ve tried telling myself to love other people and myself, but then I think “I can’t give something away and keep it at the same time. Nor can I be first and last whenever I am line. Nor can I help other people do something and be focusing on myself at the same time.”

I am thinking of other people constantly, every moment of my life. Even when they are not there and I am in my house by myself. It’s like a record player that goes over and over again. I also repeat things like the Five Precepts, the Four Noble Truths, and the Eightfold Path.

Morality is the only think I think of. This is because I can’t be focused on morality and not focused on it at the same time. I have been so focused on morality that it leaves me lacking in other aspects of my life, like school work or house work. When I told my friend about this, he even told me that I am a robot and my life is only a list.

March 21, 2017 at 9:03 am #140959

yongsua
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Only if you are able and willing to be nice person who thinks of others 100% of the time. It takes time (countless reincarnations) to be a truly perfect nice person and by that time you would have already attained Buddhahood. If you’re keen in aiding suffering beings and gaining wisdom, you may proceed with Mahayana or Bodhisattva path to Buddhahood. Anyway, don’t be too hard to yourself for this matter, always be sincere and true to yourself and others.

March 21, 2017 at 10:33 am #140989

norit
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Hello Henry,

My thoughts:

In order to be your best for other people, would it not be good to love yourself first? Focus on yourself, show yourself love, spend time and energy on yourself. That way you can be your best self for others.

E.g. My mum has spent several years putting everyone else first. She’s now exhausted, has no life of her own, is very depressed and lost. She doesn’t know herself as she’s too busy focusing on others. She’s seriously struggling. I wish more than anything she would care about herself and focus on herself. I miss the person she used to be when she had her own life and hobbies — and seeing her joy made me happy, so she is happy and I am happy too.

In answer to your question, personally no I don’t believe so. If someone were to think of me all the time, and put me first all the time, I wouldn’t feel like we had an equal relationship. (It’d make me quite uncomfortable to be honest.) If it were a friend acting this way, they wouldn’t feel like a friend, but more like a servant. Would they tell me about themselves at all? Would I get to know them at all? I want to get to know them, because they’re my friend, but if they’re spending all their time thinking about others then how do they know themselves?

– norit

March 24, 2017 at 4:47 am #141441

Inky
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Dear Henry Alec McLoud,

Life is actually many shades of grey, filled with subtle, ever changing colors! How do you view words that by definition are opposites of itself? For example, “Bittersweet” and the phrase “Tough Love”. You have to get over that black and white thinking of yours and live in the nuanced world we actually live in! Yes, focus on yourself ~ first. Complete your school work and your chores. Then see where you are.

Blessings,

Inky

March 24, 2017 at 1:24 pm #141547

RamoneJoseph
Participant

Henry Alec McLoud,

Love is many-fold and you are not denying yourself love if you love others. It’s like saying “I must drink, but I will only drink water!” You would deny yourself other experiences to become the perfect water drinker? Love for self and love for others share only the name “Love”. The experiences are completely separate and only related as we choose to allow. Seeing the world so black and white will rob you of all the experiences of the lovely greys in between…

wishing you health and happiness,

Ramone
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