Dear Katrine,

oh no, that’s such a bad luck! Maybe he didn’t answer about the new surgery appointment, simply because it’s still not sure when the doctor will recover. But I get your frustration. It’s just a lot, and the fact that he’s not with you on his birthday but out partying with his boss is particularly annoying. Okay, I also think the context is important, e.g. if they were alone partying or there were other coworkers present. Perhaps they wanted to throw him a birthday party, and that’s all it is.

But still, I get you. He is not that far away from you, and yet, he seems so far and unreachable, because of all these obstacles and circumstances in his life. I don’t know if he’s shown any commitment to you, and some concrete plans for the future, or he’s just going along, dealing with his stuff and trying to solve the issues that life throws at him, but not really having you as a priority in any sense? Having organized a meeting for his birthday would have been one such sign of commitment, and it didn’t happen.

So to be honest, I don’t like it either. I know he has a lot on his plate, but it does seem like he lacks commitment. Does he talk about your future together at all (including meeting you), or he avoids the topic and only talks about his problems?

Dear Katrine,

Well, more people were there including a relative of his and a girl. He was wearing a sombrero and the pictures of them had hearts and the caption my european family.

That’s all nice and innocent. But as you say, you’re not included in his life, even in big events like his birthday. And he doesn’t seem to miss you much either (No I wish you were here or anything.)

 I mean we agreed to take the romance off of the table since we were in different countries

Hmmm, I was in a LDR for 5 years before finally moving to my husband’s country and settling there. We were visiting each other once a month approximately. I think you could do the same, if there were willingness. But it seems he doesn’t want to create space for those visits, since he is working non-stop or studying. So basically his life is full already and he doesn’t have time for you.

He talked about me coming to Portugal several times but didn’t make any plans, I feel played for a fool.

Yeah, it’s all in theory, but in practice, he isn’t making an effort to see you. And I am sure he could have gotten at least one free day, if he really wanted to. Because if they are “honoring” him by throwing him a birthday party, they would have probably honored him by giving him a free day, so his girlfriend could visit. So yeah, he isn’t making an effort, he is doing his own thing, and you seem to be at the periphery.

May I ask something though: whose idea was to take romance off the table? Because I must say I am confused by that. Because if you take romance off of the table, that basically means that you agreed to not have a relationship, but to be friends only, right? And if so, then his behavior isn’t very surprising. However, it is surprising if you were in a gf-bf type of relationship…

I don’t want to be in this position anymore and gonna stop contacting him. I’ll focus on myself and going out exploring this amazing city, there’s heaps of events and things to do this summer. I’m thinking about going to Amsterdam for a couple of days (I’ve always wanted to go) and I can get two nights there for free. Y is having a birthday party on Friday and I’m invited, that will be fun and I heard that we will be having a staff party on a boat in two weeks, that’s sounds fun!

It’s great that you decided to focus on yourself and not sit at home, pitying yourself. He doesn’t seem to miss you unfortunately, and there isn’t enough willingness to make the relationship work. So you’re right, there’s no point in pushing something that he’s not too eager about.

I am glad you don’t seem too devastated about it and are looking forward to having some fun time with your friends, and traveling to Amsterdam. That’s a very healthy attitude!

Dear Katrine,

It was his idea to take the romance off the table (after Venice when he told me he would be there over the summer)

Oh so he told you in April, after your trip to Venice, that romance is off the table? Meaning, that he isn’t interested in a LDR with you, right? Because he doesn’t believe such relationships ever work.

Okay… well it puts things into a different perspective. So he basically told you, and you accepted it, to go back to being friends and not have any commitments or anything, but just let things unfold on their own. You would talk once per week – that was his only “commitment”, right? He also mentioned you would visit him, but never made any efforts to make it happen, not even for his birthday.

So basically, he let go of you as a girlfriend, and he wasn’t making any effort to keep you as a close friend either. You accepted to not have him as boyfriend. It wasn’t so painful for you. What was more painful is that he didn’t keep you as a close friend:

But I would never be flaky with my friends. Like telling them I’m gonna call and then not do it etc. Feeling invisble is one of my triggers. If I make plans with my friends then I’ll stick to it. I’m really hurt because he was supposed to be my best friend and he wasn’t the type but man people really do disapoint you.

I see. You thought he would be your best friend. And he stood you up. It seems he works well in person, but forgets about people when they are far away. He told you he is like that in romantic relationships (he told you he doesn’t believe in LDRs). And now you’re realizing he is like that in friendships too. Out of sight, out of mind, it seems.

I am sorry, Katrine. I didn’t know you’re not in a gf-bf relationship with him, so I assumed you were anxious because he’s not behaving like a boyfriend. But actually, he was behaving like a friend, only not such a close friend. And you wanted him to be a close friend, to include you in things, to invite you to his birthday, even if he is in another country. Which unfortunately is hard.

It’s doable, of course, if it matters to both people. It’s doable in a romantic relationship, where both parties are eager to meet and visit each other regularly. But it usually doesn’t work in normal friendships. You can’t have that level of closeness if you live in different countries and if the other party isn’t super bonded to you. And it seems he wasn’t. If he was bonded, he wouldn’t have rejected a romantic relationship. He would have stayed with you in a LDR.

So what you expected from him – a close bond and commitment in spite of physical distance – is what people typically expect in a romantic relationship. Since you weren’t in one, I must say I am not surprised by his behavior. I do understand how painful it is for you, though, because of your abandonment wound. You say you are triggered by being excluded, and you felt the same with him. But unfortunately, it’s hard to be included in someone’s life if they live far away and you’re not their girlfriend.

I hope you can keep working on that wound, Katrine. So that you don’t expect much from arrangements like this one. I am glad you do have a few good friends that you can count on. You’ve come a long way since last year, when you felt rejected and unwanted. Now you know you are wanted and people like your company, which is a great progress. And I hope you can enjoy those relationships and have fun with them.

But it seems this guy isn’t that kind of friend, and he only can keep in touch with people near him. So it’s good you can let him go and stop expecting a close friendship or a relationship with him.