Dear Katrine,

I too (like X) think he uses alcohol, women and drugs to feel better about himself. I really hurts, I have been through a lot and don’t deserve this behaviour.

I know.. unfortunately when people are in their ego, they hurt others. He definitely hurt you with his behavior, because he was actually manipulative, both before you confessed to him, and after. Before you confessed, he behaved like he cared about you, but then it turned out he doesn’t. He was like “no, I don’t see you that way”. Although he did behave “that way”!

And then after you confessed, he started playing those games, as if he still wants to have power over you and keep you pining for him. So, looking back, it seems all he did (and is still doing) is manipulation. And that can be really hurtful, because you like the guy, you have your hopes up, and then it just gets squashed…

I think in this case my avoident naturen served me better, cuz I never gave him the same amount of attention as the others.

Right…but you know what I am thinking now? That perhaps your avoidant nature was a challenge for him (if he indeed craves female attention), and that’s why he was keen to win you over? Maybe he was flirty with you because in the beginning you ignored him (or pretended to ignore him), and he instinctively tried to charm you away and make you his “fan”? Because he needs girls to like him…

I don’t know, maybe I am taking this too far. But it would explain his behavior, which so far was a mystery to me and I couldn’t figure him out. Let me know what you think…

I am sure we will stay in touch. He talked about going back to Brazil in May for a couple of months and then come back here.

I am so glad! You seem to have a genuine relationship, without games and playing hide and seek. I am rooting for you two! And I hope the situation with the head chef resolves soon.

Dear Katrine,

sorry to hear you were sick – have you recovered fully?

I think if it was just a game to keep me interested to feed his ego he would have been “turned on” when men were showing interest in me. But when he saw men flirt with me, heard other men (and me) talk about men flirting with me, he sounded defeaded and became more quiet.

I see… But that too could be that he felt defeated by other men, which made his self-confidence sink. Not necessarily because he wanted to be with you, but because it showed him (in his mind) that he is not as good as other men. I really don’t know. But I don’t want to stretch this further and come up with ideas and theories. It is what it is. He is definitely troubled, he is either conflicted or manipulative, but the most important is that you shouldn’t be sorry for not getting together with him.

And I am so glad you’re moving on from him, and getting fonder and fonder of the chef! The fact that he only wants to leave for a month, whereas before he was planning to be away for 6 months, is a very good sign. I hope he didn’t change his mind about you (doesn’t seem like that!) and that you’ll have a good date next time. Perhaps you should give him some encouragement, since maybe he is still uncertain about your feelings?

Dear Katrine,

glad you’re slowly feeling better!

It’s going the right direction for me, reacting less and less. I feel like I’m in a better head space now to date, so I can enjoy it rather than it being me trying to distract myself.

That’s what’s important – that you’re less and less anxious around him, less and less emotionally reactive. I am really happy for you!

When he wrote me earlier this week telling me that he was going back at thf end of this month and told him that I really hope that he comes back since I feel like we are getting closer and being more than just friends. He said he feels exactly the same, which made me happy.

Good, so you made it clear that you have feelings for him. And he feels the same…. which is amazing!

He also told me that he is coming back is looking for another, which might be better for us since right now he’s working 12 hour shifts 6 days a week so we don’t have much time to see each other.

Wow, he’s really working long hours! Is it his choice, because it doesn’t seem like something the employer is allowed to request? I mean, he’s working 72 hours per week, which is way way too much. I do hope he finds another job because this is unsustainable…

He is very sweet and even after working 12 hours starting at 5 am he would go out with for drinks with me and stay until 9pm. I take that as a good sign

Definitely! The poor guy must be suffering from burnout and is probably in dire need of sleep, but he still finds energy to hang out with you… that must be love 🙂

Dear Katrine,

I am sorry the situation is tough for your new guy and that he has to work another job, in addition to his 72-hr work week. I don’t know how it’s even physically possible? Couldn’t he just quit at the hostel, if he’s not planning to return to work there anyway? It’s a pity he couldn’t arrange to start a few weeks later at the new place 🙁

I understand you’re feeling uneasy with him being suddenly very rarely available and then leaving for a month. But it’s also good that you’re observing yourself and aren’t completely drawn into your defense mechanisms. Try to tell yourself that it’s really the difficult circumstances that make him unavailable, not that he doesn’t like you or wants to run away from you.

It’s the abandonment wound probably getting reactivated, so acknowledge that this is happening, but also keep telling yourself that it is only temporary and that the bond between you is real and strong. He was never playing games with you, he never fooled you or tricked you, he was always straightforward with you. He is a kind and sincere man, and he isn’t going to fool you now either. So try to have that rational part of you always “switched on” and telling yourself that he is a good, trustworthy man.

We will make most of the time we have before he leaves and hopefully he’ll only be gone for a month. time goes by fast and I know he will come back. He really needs to see his family and he’ll send me pictures.

This is good, positive thinking! I too hope you can spend some time together before he leaves, and that you stay in touch while he is in South America. He is going through a tough time right now, his father awaiting surgery, and I am sure he’ll appreciate your support and you being there for him (online) while he is away. So try to be supportive and not see it as abandonment, but as temporary separation, due to circumstances. But hopefully it won’t last long and you’ll be reunited soon enough! Have trust that it will be like that!

Dear Katrine,

His plan is to not return to the kitchen when he comes back, but to do reception part time and this other job job part time (he can work from home and decide when he works)

It’s a good plan! I am glad he doesn’t want to endure the impossible tempo any longer!

And like you say this is circumstances and not him playing games. He’s always been straight forward and kind, and I see him every day at work, so I’m gonna be as supportive as I can. He did tell me that spending time with outside from work helps him take his mind off of the problems and helps him relax so I’m glad that I can have a positive affect

Yes, it’s great you can stay supportive and make the best out of your time together before he leaves. And it also seems that spending time with you means a lot to him… so you have nothing to worry about, it sounds very promising!

Dear Katrine,

good that he walked out, even if it was an abrupt decision. What audacity from the headchef that he still dares to harass people, even if he is under investigation. Are you going to the top manager to speak on your guy’s behalf? Perhaps it would make sense to take someone with you who works in the kitchen, since you don’t work there and don’t know the situation firsthand?

I guess now that he’s not working in the kitchen anymore, he’ll have some more time to spend with you before he leaves, right?

Dear Katrine,

denying someone access to restroom is clearly illegal, specially if he is working a 12-hr shift! That’s unbelievable how this person behaves… I hope he gets stopped ASAP.

But my collegues who works the café have been bitten by him (he did it as a “joke”) I’ll ask them to speak up as well.

Absolutely, they are his victims too, because biting someone cannot be considered a joke under any circumstances. It’s physical assault. I hope your colleagues will choose to speak up and that measures will be taken against the guy. Btw, who is investigating him? Police or just the internal investigation?

Let me know how the meeting went with the top manager…

Dear Katrine,

He has always been bad but it’s been getting worse, been using alcohol and more and doesn’t take his meds.

So he’s been suffering from mental problems in the past too, but now he’s not taking his medications and is using alcohol and substances. That’s very worrying, because if he’s been biting people, it shows an aggressive streak. It could be potentially dangerous to work around him…. so yes, you (and your colleagues) should speak to the top manager ASAP.

But it could be that the top manager is still protecting the head chef, and that’s why the internal investigation is stalling?

And our work loads been trippled due to high de and, that none of us can keep up with

Wow, and no new people have been employed? That’s also against the law, I think…