Re-submitting:

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

You are welcome to submit as many posts as you would like to submit, and at any length, as far as I am concerned. It is so very unfortunate for you (and I wish it wasn’t the case) that so many people in your life so far, have been significantly or severely mentally disturbed and disturbing, or unfortunate otherwise: one of your grandmothers (“My grandmother had a personally disorder“), your mother (”She been on the edge for years.. My mom has untreated trauma“), your father (”Both my parents had severe traumas in their earlier lives“), your sister (“She is brain damage and has been for 23 years… She was screaming from pain sometimes up to 20 hours a day… Her leaning to one side and having one leg shorter than the other was noticeable to outside family and the doctors.. she needed 4 disc removed  that they performed the surgery… The biggest issue is her being in a pain all the time. Extreme headaches and her vision is affected by it… She does have a lot of narcissistic tendencies“), Peers in school (“I was 12 to 15 years old. A group of boys were violent (one girl became hearing impaired in one ear)..the boys had some episodes of violence. One of them had their wrist slashed right in front of me“), your former boss (“I than had a two year apprentice with a boss who tics of every box of being a psychopath“), an adult friend (“The friend… also suffer from mental health problems due to childhood trauma (she’s diagnosed with BPD)“), and your love-interest (“He has a lot of issues, he lost 4 kilos in just one week, the drinking sometimes gets High, anxiety..  his ocd is so bad that my colleagues girlfriend (who also works) here is nervous about living with him“).

You can’t change the family you were born to, neither can you change the people and events in your past, not any more than I can change these things in my life, but I sure hope that you meet healthier people (not perfectly healthy, of course, because such a thing does not exist), and that as a result, you will be able to have healthier relationships… and a boyfriend for the first time in your life: this will be exciting to read about, and exciting for you to experience, I am sure! I wish you healthier people and healthier relationships in this new year!

anita

Dear Katrine,

He doesn’t use other people’s names when he greets them just me.

You said he forgot the name of some people whom he worked with, including Y. Did it happen in a conversation with you that he couldn’t remember the names of those people?

And not only is it hard because I feel excluded but also a people pleaser always making sure people around me were happy, the mere thought that I’m just plain cuasing him discomfort is really really hard.

Are you saying that you feel guilty that he feels discomfort around you? Are you blaming yourself that he isn’t so relaxed around you like he is around other girls?

I feel very defeated in my love life. What I want the most is a partner and I have only had two months of that in my life, and so much heartache. It’s such a rollercoaster for me and a lot of mental energy for me.

I hear you, Katrine. I know it’s hard. But I also know that as you continue on your healing journey and start loving yourself more and more, you will be attracted to emotionally healthier people, people who will be able to return your love. And being in love won’t feel so exhausting and defeating any more. Trust me, Katrine, that time will come.

Dear Katrine,

It happened when he was talking to me.

Okay, so he tends to forget people’s names when talking to you. At the yoga date, when he was leading a yoga session, you said he could hardly remember some words, such as body parts. You even suspected he was on something… What could be the reason he forgets words around you is that his anxiety goes up when around you – because he likes you.

He might indeed experience discomfort because he isn’t neutral towards you. But at the same time, he didn’t want a relationship with you, which would indicate that he is highly conflicted and confused. Or he fears relationship tremendously.

In fact, during the last 9 months since he’s been working at the hostel, and having met dozens of pretty girls, I guess – he hasn’t started dating any of them. If he is cute and popular with women, I don’t see any reason he wouldn’t date – unless he is afraid of a relationship. And that might be the main reason why he rejected you – even though he might like you.

Of course, that’s just a speculation. We don’t know why he rejected you, but it’s a possibility, considering everything you wrote about him and his behavior.

A little bit. It feels like i overstepped a boundary but I know i didn’t i become very avoident when i like someone so i know i didn’t.

You didn’t overstep a boundary – he had been showing consistent interest in you, and so you just sped things up. It was totally legitimate.

The fact that he is feeling anxious around you is not your fault whatsoever. If he likes you (but fears relationship), it’s his problem. If he doesn’t like you, but feels weird knowing that you like him – it’s again his problem, not yours. Because each of us is responsible for our feelings, so he needs to be able to self-regulate. It’s not your responsibility to regulate his feelings.

So please, Katrine, you have absolutely no responsibility for his feelings. You haven’t hurt him or done anything wrong to him – you only expressed your interest, after he had been showing interest in you for at least a couple of months prior.

Blaming yourself for things you’re absolutely not responsible for is very likely the legacy of your relationship with your sister and parents, who all blamed you for things you haven’t done. Specially your sister and father blamed you (and are still blaming you). The blame and guilt-tripping that you received from them became internalized, and now it is you who is blaming  yourself for things that are absolutely not your fault.

How do you feel about this? Does it seem plausible?

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

“I think I get so jealous because she is so beautiful…  my own insecurities get triggered“- what if you are so beautiful too, Katrine… ? And what if you knew that you are beautiful?

“He’s always around other women, he will even walk up and have his Tea with female guests: that made me jealous too, he will join them (the three Ausie girls) during his break if he sees them but never did that with me“- this was my experience too, and for decades! Guys (and girls) preferred to be with others over being with me, and it hurt a whole lot. Looking back, I think that I understand why this was the case, why they preferred others over me: I was unpleasant to be around because I was too anxious, too distracted by my own insecure thoughts, thoughts about my perceived inferiority.

I wrote above perceived inferiority because during all those many years, I believed that I was inferior to others, even though the reality was that I was not inferior to others. But believing it made me behave.. strangely, not fun to be around. And so, my peers preferred those who were relaxed and fun to be around.

Fast forward to the present, I no longer believe that I am inferior to others (what a relief!), and as a result, I am more relaxed around others and sometimes I am fun to be around.

anita

P.S. You and Tee submitted posts 4 minutes apart, so you may not be aware of her post, the one right above your most recent post.

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I am sorry, Katrine. I don’t like reading that you feel so hurt. Try to not hold on to that hurt-feeling for too long: you don’t deserve to feel badly. Since he will be leaving to Canada, he and the girl will not be a thing for long, will they…?

anita