Dear Katrine Nielsen:

Thank you, and likewise: it is a huge relief for me to know that I was/ am not alone!!!

“There are so many expectations that you are supposed enjoy your birthday, and people always assume you have a big party when your birthday is on that particular day!“- I totally relate and this is why I no longer tell people (except that I told you) the date of my birthday, nor do I celebrate it on this date.

“X and Y invited me to join their party and I’m gonna go even though I’m gonna be very nervous! A very happy New Year and a happy birthday tomorrow!“- thank you! I hope that you enjoy your time with X and Y and that you will be calmer than you expect to be. Happy New Year and Happy Birthday to you!

anita

I forgot to say: Happy birthday to you, Katrine! May this New Year be a really good one for you!!

Dear anita, happy birthday to you too! And happy New Year as well!!

How are you, Katrine? How did the New Year Eve’s party go?

Dear Katrine,

it’s so good to hear that you had a pleasant, calm New Year’s Eve.

Well there wasn’t any need for me to be nervous since it was just me, X, Y and the new girl that I had a coffee date with. Two of the boys from work ended up not joining because of their work schedule, and the cute guy didn’t come cuz he knew that if he started drinking he wouldn’t stop and the girls and him and one of his friends were gonna go to a rave party the next morning so it was a very calm New Years’ Eve party.

This sounds perfect to me – peaceful, not too loud and relaxed – something I myself prefer. Did you feel good? Did the girls know it was also your birthday that day?

I have been staying for a drink after work a couple of times talking to whoever collegues are there and will keep up doing it. I’m only staying for an hour or so so I can still get my rest (have been working ten days in a row) but being social for even just a little bit is doing me good.

Great! You’re practicing being social, however not exhausting yourself but doing it in moderation. Excellent approach!

I am also glad that your anxiety didn’t go up too much around the guy you like. And that he did nod to you – meaning he has acknowledged you and wasn’t rude/weird, as he sometimes is with you.

As for his birthday, you said “He wasn’t in any obligated to invite me even if I invited him to my place.” — well, it’s customary and polite to return the invitation, i.e. to reciprocate. You invited him to your birthday party (and he came), so he could have invited you to his. But I don’t remember now – was his birthday party after you confessed to him that you like him? Maybe he didn’t invite you since it would have felt awkward?

Anyway, I just wanted to say that it is customary to return the invitation, so under normal circumstances, he would have been almost “obliged” to invite you. But in this case, if his birthday was after your confession, I can understand why he didn’t invite you…

Writing and reading the past couple of posts about my sister makes me realise that my very strong reaction in regards to not being invited to the guys birthday party isn’t so weird at all. I’ve felt very ashamed of reacting that strongly emotionally to not being invited cuz I didn’t feel I had a right to do so. … But I can now show myself more self compassion of my reactions because now I think that it totally makes sense since they were my primary group and I felt excluded.

Right, for you it felt like a similar rejection and betrayal. You weren’t even so hurt that he rejected you as a girlfriend, but it was more that you felt excluded from the friends circle, right? When he invited them and excluded you, it reminded you of being excluded and betrayed by your sister and your former friend. Which left you feeling alone and unwanted, and believing that you’re a bad person. Am I interpreting this right?

Luckily, you’ve later realized that X and Y actually do like you, that they don’t talk behind your back like your sister did, and don’t play games. They’ve proven themselves to be solid friends, whom you can trust. They are safe people – they won’t hurt you on purpose. And I am glad that you’ve formed a friends circle with them, independent of the guy you like, so you can enjoy their company without worrying about what he will do and how he’ll treat you.

I will definitly spend a minimum time with my sister, it’s better for my health. Luckly with my nephew there’s something to talk about to keep focus away from me and my life which is probably better.

Yes, good that you’re trying to minimize the time spent with your sister. The less contact, the better. And yes, talking about your nephew seems like a neutral topic. Whatever you do, don’t confide in your sister, keep your problems (e.g. love troubles) private, because whatever weakness or vulnerability you share with her, she might use it against you later. So give her as little material as possible to harm you.

A huge thank you to you and Tee, I have made so much progress that I wouldn’t have done if it wasn’t for you guys. Words cannot explain how grateful I am, as I am continuing this journey of healing.

I am so happy for you, Katrine. You did make an amazing progress and you’re continuing to do so. Wishing you all the best in your journey ahead!

Dear Katrine,

The girls found out about my birthday the day before, and that’s when they invited me along. It was very relaxing they took some coke

it’s nice of the girls that they’ve invited you after they’ve found out it’s your birthday on New Year’s Eve. But I don’t like it that they took drugs. Have they offered you some as well?

I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable around people who are on something, to be honest. It’s also true that I don’t have any experience with drugs, or being in the company of people who are on something, so perhaps I am too wary of it. Do you notice any difference in their behavior once they take coke? Any difference in how they treat you?

His birthday was after the yoga session on a Sunday where I was working.

Okay, so he could have been motivated by the fact that he didn’t want to date you and didn’t want to make things awkward. In fact, the reason I’ve brought it up is because you said that he wasn’t in any way obliged to invite you, to which I was thinking “well, if you invited him to your housewarming party, it’s not too much to expect of him to invite you to his birthday party”. I wanted to emphasize that, because I didn’t want you to devalue yourself and think that he wasn’t obliged in any way, when in fact, under normal circumstances, people do reciprocate these kinds of invitations.

He invited another guy from work (my close friend) and he doesn’t even remember his name, his memory is worst than any person I’ve met. Couldn’t even remember Y’s name after knowing her for three months, or a girl from work even though he had her Instagram,

That’s pretty severe. To be honest, if he has such a poor memory, how come he can work at the hostel reception? To me, it sounds like a serious hindrance. Or he only suffers with remembering names but not other stuff?

sorry for ayet another loong post. I’ve read that overexplaining is a trauma respons maybe that’s why I feel it important to give as many details as possible.

No problem. It just occurred to me that it could be related to you having been gaslighted by your sister a lot, and maybe that’s why you feel the need to explain everything in detail. Because your reality was often denied, facts were twisted and you were made to believe something that wasn’t true at all. So I can see how overexplaining could be a way to counter that.

Dear Katrine,

I am glad to hear that X and Y weren’t high the entire time during your New Year Eve’s get-together, and that you could enjoy their usual, friendly selves (not their “party selves”).

And now seeing him talk so effordless with any woman at work, but not me.

When he talks to other girls, he doesn’t forget their names (or other people’s names)? Does he have memory problems only when talking to you?

Like i didn’t get friend zoned i got kicked out of the friend zone. And he keeps calling me by Nick name to me that’s what you do with friends, To me that’s like messing with my head.

Well, I can actually understand why he has a hard time being friends and being totally cool and relaxed with you – since there-s more than just friendship there. He knows for sure that you like him, and maybe he likes you too or is confused about how he’s feeling. And so there might be more than friendship on his part too. So he cannot be friends when other vibes are involved too. That’s pretty common, in fact.

he nearly got fired back in August so it is making life hard on him. He has a lot of issues, he lost 4 kilos in just one week, the drinking sometimes gets High, anxiety,

You said he’s drinking and partying a lot, sometimes all day long, without getting any sleep, or getting only 2 hours of sleep. Perhaps that’s the reason he lost 4 kg in one week? Not some serious illness, but him living a messy, self-destructive life?

Even if he’s suffering from anxiety and trauma, it doesn’t mean he needs to medicate himself with alcohol and drugs. That’s his choice, and this choice – to get regularly drunk and high – affects his mental health, as well as his capacity to love and be in a healthy relationship. He is ruining himself, making it harder for himself to get better and heal.

You’re angry at him for not treating you properly, or for sending you mixed signals…. But he is so confused and erratic that he cannot treat you better in his current state of mind. He cannot even love himself and care about himself, not to mention care about how he treats other people. At least that’s how I see it.

That’s why I think that you’re expecting too much of him. You’re expecting a decent behavior from someone who is so deeply troubled and confused. And then you take it a step further and conclude that it is YOU who is to blame:

i should be proud of trying something outside my comfort zone (yoga session) but I didn’t expect it to be this hard and now i kinda regeret doing it. I feel like i don’t even wanna try and go out and meet someone else, i just had too much heart ache, maybe i am just suposed to just be alone.

You’re making conclusions based on the failure with this troubled guy – someone who has a lot of issues and is unwilling to help himself. Frankly, you’ve chosen an impossible guy to love, and because he doesn’t reciprocate, you conclude that no one will, and that you might as well quit trying.

Can you see how false that reasoning is? Instead of concluding that the guy has a problem, you conclude that you have a problem, and that you have no chance whatsoever of finding someone who could reciprocate your love. Which is so so far from  the truth. The truth is that this specific guy cannot reciprocate your love – but it doesn’t say anything about you, or other guys!

Please, dear Katrine, don’t blame yourself for something which isn’t your fault! In recent times you’ve learned not to blame yourself, even if your sister is blaming you. Now try to expand that to this guy too: don’t blame yourself and don’t make false conclusions about yourself just because this guy isn’t returning your love. Rather, let go of him and start looking elsewhere!

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

You are welcome to submit as many posts as you would like to submit, and at any length, as far as I am concerned. It is so very unfortunate for you (and I wish it wasn’t the case) that so many people in your life so far, have been significantly or severely mentally disturbed and disturbing, or unfortunate otherwise: one of your grandmothers (“My grandmother had a personally disorder“), your mother (“She been on the edge for years.. My mom has untreated trauma“), your father (“Both my parents had severe traumas in their earlier lives“), your sister (“She is brain damage and has been for 23 years… She was screaming from pain sometimes up to 20 hours a day… Her leaning to one side and having one leg shorter than the other was noticeable to outside family and the doctors.. she needed 4 disc removed  that they performed the surgery… The biggest issue is her being in a pain all the time. Extreme headaches and her vision is affected by it… She does have a lot of narcissistic tendencies“), Peers in school (“I was 12 to 15 years old. A group of boys were violent (one girl became hearing impaired in one ear)..the boys had some episodes of violence. One of them had their wrist slashed right in front of me“), your former boss (“I than had a two year apprentice with a boss who tics of every box of being a psychopath“), an adult friend (“The friend… also suffer from mental health problems due to childhood trauma (she’s diagnosed with BPD)“), and your love-interest (“He has a lot of issues, he lost 4 kilos in just one week, the drinking sometimes gets High, anxiety..  his ocd is so bad that my colleagues girlfriend (who also works) here is nervous about living with him“).

You can’t change the family you were born to, neither can you change the people and events in your past, not any more than I can change these things in my life, but I sure hope that you meet healthier people (not perfectly healthy, of course, because such a thing does not exist), and that as a result, you will be able to have healthier relationships… and a boyfriend for the first time in your life: this will be exciting to read about, and exciting for you to experience, I am sure! I wish you healthier people and healthier relationships in this new year!

anita