Dear Katrine,

I think I understand the events now, just this bit I don’t get:

No I wasn’t invited to her birthday everybody from my region was invited down to her place (they moved in together before this) but she excluded me under the pretext that we celebrate both her and my dads birthday together. So my parents didn’t see it as me being excluded but rather a practical thing. My sister never wanted to share her birthday party with him before.

Does it mean that she celebrated her birthday twice: once with her friends and her boyfriend (an event to which she didn’t invite you), and another time with your father, when you were there too?

It seems she didn’t really want you on her birthday, and to be honest, I think it’s better if you don’t have too much contact, since she tends to accuse you and blame you for the things you haven’t done, and you get bad anxiety around her. So it’s best you stay away, although it’s painful, I know. Specially since, as you say, she has a child now and it would be nice to be close to your nephew and spend time with him, and them as a family.

But I wouldn’t want to be around her either, if all I get is guilt-tripping and accusations. That being said, I think it would be important for you to process through some stuff so you don’t get so anxious around her any more, i.e. that her words can’t hurt you so much any more. Because right now, you get very easily triggered around her and your anxiety spikes (you had a panic attack when she accused you of not coming to your nephew’s christening on purpose), or you react with anger and resentment, and then people judge you for your reactions.

So you’d need to learn how to better self-regulate when around her. I think the key thing would be not to believe what she is saying about you. Not to believe her when she says that you are a bad, selfish person. You would need to know that you’re a good, well-meaning person, so that when she starts spilling her accusations, you can just ignore it. That would be Number 1.

Also, I think you should accept that your sister might never change her opinion of you (she might even have some narcissistic tendencies, or her illness made her very self-centered). So when she tries to guilt-trip you into doing what she wants, that you don’t give in. You don’t try to please her so she would think better of you. Perhaps you’re already doing this part – you have stopped trying to please her and you’re paying more attention to your own needs and your own health.

If you know her character and her opinion of you, you can be better prepared and better shield yourself from her toxic remarks. You can take them more calmly, because you know they’re not true. You don’t need to quarrel with her and try to prove that she is wrong. It’s being like teflon (non-stick pan) – her remarks just fall off of you, they don’t stick. You don’t take them to heart, you don’t believe them. They go in one ear and out the other. It’s not easy to achieve, but I think this should be your goal.

The more self-love you have, the less will her words hurt you. Her opinion of you won’t matter to you so much. You’ll be free.

And then perhaps you’ll be able to be around her at certain family events, and it will cause you less anxiety. You’ll be able to behave more naturally with other people, such as your brother-in-law. If he still doesn’t like you, well then it’s his problem. But you will be more relaxed and won’t feel in such danger any more.

Of course, it’s easier said than done, but that’s something to aim for, I think. Maybe before going home for Christmas this year, try to do affirmations (I am lovable, I am worthy), and also try to practice being like teflon. For example, you can imagine that she accuses you of something – how would you react? Can you remain calm, knowing that her words are not true?

Dear Katrine,

she called my mom and got really angry that we didn’t drive the two hours down to celebrate. But we had already celebrated her birthday so we didn’t see any need for us to do it again.

Well yes, earlier she said she didn’t invite you to the party at her place because she would celebrate separately within the family circle. And then she got angry at you and your parents because you didn’t come to a party to which you weren’t invited in the first place?? Wow, that’s something! That’s some serious manipulation. It cannot be explained away by her being in pain or anything like that. It’s pure manipulation, if you ask me. It’s abusive.

How did your parents react to  it? Have they still tried to excuse her behavior?

I have to deal with a lot of feelings around betrayal when it comes to her. She even tried talking my parents into having my cat put down (I’m a huge animal lover) she has allergy so the couple of times the would come to visit we had to clean the entire house and keep my cat in another room. But she didn’t like that.

That’s quite heartless in fact. Because you did clean the house before she arrived and put the cat in another room. But it wasn’t enough – she wanted your cat to be put down. It shows she has no empathy for you (or the cat). Very selfish and cruel.

All this tells me, Katrine, that your sister has strong narcissistic tendencies. Whatever the cause is (whether her illness or something else), it seems to me that you were subject to narcissistic abuse by your sister, and your parents were her enablers. They excused her narcissistic abuse and accused you if you protested. You were put between the rock and the hard place – nowhere to go, nowhere to get compassion and understanding.

She [your mother] is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour.

Your parents excused her behavior, and they conditioned you to excuse it to this day. They didn’t defend you, and that’s why you believe that nobody cares about you. Because the two most important people in your life didn’t care about you (I mean, they behaved like they didn’t care about you – that was the net effect of their behavior, even if they didn’t mean to hurt you).

And the third most important person in your life – your sister – was abusing you. And you had a mean grandmother too, who told you that having a bird pet constitutes animal abuse! So there was no one in your family to protect you.

No wonder you have such a strong anxiety and believe that no one cares about you. Because it was unfortunately true for your immediate family. You were a collateral victim of your sister’s illness and her narcissism. The problem is that your parents didn’t recognize the narcissism, and attributed her behavior to her illness. And so they became her enablers.

Your father seems to be still enabling your sister, i.e. accusing you and excusing her. Whereas your mother is now at least willing to hear you out:

My mom is listening way more to me now. She is still in denial about a lot of her behaviour (exactly like I was) making excusses for her behaviour. But she has started showing more understanding to my situation

So your mother is still in denial about your sister’s manipulative behavior – she is still excusing it. But at least she shows some empathy towards you, unlike your father. That’s good. You can tell her (when you’re alone with her) that you find your sister’s behavior manipulative. As a glaring example you can mention your sister’s birthday: that first she didn’t invite you and then was angry when you didn’t show up.

So you may try to talk to your mother and help her see how your sister’s behavior is very selfish and manipulative (regardless of what caused it). And you can tell her it has hurt you a lot over the years, and that you don’t want to excuse it any longer. And that’s why you’re keeping your distance. You can then see how she will react to that – whether she will keep defending your sister, or will realize some things.

I’m gonna take your advise about dealing with my sister. I am only going home for a few days and I don’t want to spend them dysregulated and anxious

Yes, try to not take your sister’s comments to heart – be like teflon. Don’t feel bad about yourself, even if she tries to make you feel bad or provokes you. It won’t be easy, since you still have some healing to do, but make the first steps. Try not to be upset by her nastiness and her sense of entitlement – rather, expect it, be prepared for it, and don’t react to it. Stay calm as much as possible.

You can post here and tell us how it is going. I am rooting for you, Katrine. And I too wish you pleasant, as calm as possible holidays, centered in yourself, in the knowing that you are a good and loving person, and that your worth doesn’t depend on what your sister thinks and says about you. If it helps you, you may repeat to yourself “I am free from her influence”, or simply “I am lovable, I am free”.

Dear Katerine Nielsen:

Thank you for your holiday wishes! I didn’t tell you this before, but will you be surprised to know that my birthday happens to be on the very same day as yours? And similar to you, year after year, I was sad that the whole world was celebrating my birthday.. except for me (lonely and alone). When I am asked about my birthday, I no longer share on what day it is. (At one point along the way, I decided that I no longer recognize my birthday to be on that particular day).

You wrote that you will be spending only a few days at home for Christmas/ New Year’s, and that you wish to not spend those days dysregulated and anxious, and that instead, you want to have a good time and enjoy the holidays. Here is what I suggest: plan your visit well, plan the following: (1) what topics you will bring up, and what topics you will not bring up, (2) list possible behaviors by any one of your family members (what they might say and/ or do, or fail to say and do, based on what they said and did in the past), and for each possibility, state exactly how you will respond (what you will say and do, if anything), (3) list a few things for you to do when you find yourself dysregulated during the visit, for example: go for a brisk walk outside, make yourself a hot bath and soak in it, post on tiny buddha, etc. When you are with your family visiting and you feel dysregulated, look at your list and choose one of the things, according to what is available (given weather, time of the day, and other circumstances), (4) Have with you at all times, during your visit, a small toy animal, or some furry or otherwise comforting object. When you feel dysregulated during the visit, or when you feel the beginning of elevated anxiety, touch or pet the object and repeat a relaxing mantra to yourself, for example: I am calm and regulated.

The more prepared you are, the better your visit is likely to be!

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen: I will reply further Wed morning, assuming I will have internet then (it is currently Tues 5:35 pm here).

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I am glad that you had a good Christmas and that it was better than what you expected it to be! Also, finally, I have someone (you!) who understands and has shared my very personal birthday experience over the years. I hope that your birthday experience this year will be different from previous years!

anita