Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I am glad to read that you are dedicated to learning! I read your recent posts, and I am confused in regard to your sister. I am wondering if you will be kind enough to clarify my confusion:

Is your sister currently 37 years old, married to a 30 year old man, a mother to a baby boy, living with her husband and son, and appears to have a loving relationships with her parents in law (“At my brother in laws 30th birthday party… my sister’s behaviour of such a loving and caring person and the way his parents were talking about her like, who is this person?… the day we came to see my newborn nephew in August“)?

Is this the same sister about whom you wrote on Sept 13-17, 2020: “my sister (35)..  is brain damage and has been for 23 years due to illness…  She started yelling and screaming in my face, pulling her hair and rolling around on the floor… The biggest issue is her being in a pain all the time. Extreme headaches and her vision is affected by it. So noises and light causes a lot of pain“?

*About a week ago, Dec 4, 2022, you wrote in regard to (a) sister: “her boyfriend won’t look me in the eye when talking to me..“- do you have two (or more) sisters, one has a boyfriend, the other is married; one is disabled and living with your parents, the other lives independently?

anita

Dear Katrine,

thank you for clarifying. Although I am still confused, because based on the following you wrote, your sister does seem disabled and her day-to-day functioning is quite limited, since she is in lots of pain:

Her brain injury causes her to only have some functioning hours a day and she can only work around ten hours a week. The damage on her brain cuases extreme painful nonstop migranes, difficulties with her vision, and permantly nerve damage (i think they called it) in her legs so she needs botox to help stop the pain but it doesn’t last that long. If she is standing for too long or sitting she will collapse, which she did once I was at an event with her.

She will have a lot of tantrums. When she is in extreme pain she will roll around pulling her hair or stabbing herself with something sharp (like a ppencil or other) to distract herself from the pain in her head. We would then have to hide her pain medicin so she wouldn’t end up taking an overdose

However, she also had been living on her own in the past, and was even granted welfare support for living on her own: In 2020 she was granted a different type of welfare support that meant that she was able to get her own place.

If she sought and was granted support to live on her own, it means she knew she could do it, and she was also evaluated as able to live alone. Which tells me that she probably isn’t in constant horrible pain, which would incapacitate her from day-to-day functioning. Which further means that perhaps a lot of times when she was having a tantrum, it wasn’t really because she was in pain, but because she was manipulating you and your parents to get what she wants?

When you were at her partner’s birthday party last year, she behaved like a different person (a loving and caring person), and you could hardly recognize her. His parents were also speaking highly of her: But then my sisters behaviour of such a loveling and caring person and they way his parents was talking about her like, who is this person? Do I really know her?

So perhaps she is capable of being a different person? Someone who is not screaming all the time and rolling on the floor? Someone who can be nice to other people?

If so, she is probably not as disabled as you think she is. She does have physical problems, but they’re probably less debilitating than she has been presenting it to you. Another telling sign is that she wanted a child so badly:

The tantrum she had where she started rolling around on her floor and my mother broke down was due to several things, she mas mad that I was sick and put myself first, our region was put on complete lockdown and her new boyfriend was living a two hour drive away, so she was panicking that he would end up leaving her and then she wouldn’t have children,

Call me crazy, but if someone is in such huge pain all the time, they would hardly want to think about having children. This all tells me that she probably isn’t as disabled as she presented herself to be, or as you perceive her to be.

Maybe believing that she is so horribly sick keeps you from setting boundaries with her? If you saw her disease more realistically, maybe it would help you to behave differently with her?

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

Thank you for the explanation. I will be able to reply further Sat morning (in about 18 hours from now).

anita

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

I studied your threads for hours in the last few days, and this is what I understand today: the core issue between you and your sister is a serious case of sibling rivalry. There is and has been lots of hurt, anger and jealousy between the two of you for a long, long time.

Seems to me that she indeed suffered brain injury that resulted in cognitive, emotional and physical (ex., migraines) symptoms, but you (and I and.. all of the millions of people worldwide who fit the C-PTSD diagnosis, which you received last October) also suffer from brain injuries: It is not only physical causes (such as falls and viruses) that are responsible for brain damage/ injury, but also emotional causes (see National Library of Medicine/ Emotional Traumatic Brain Injury, Dec 2020).

In your most recent post, you wrote in regard to your sister: “I kept telling people how close we were, but didn’t realise that I was just catering to her every need instead of having a balance healthy relationship“-

– I wish that you did have a close and healthy relationship with your sister: it would have been wonderful to grow up close to your only sibling, to help each other withstand the common challenges you faced, the traumas… It is togetherness/ emotional closeness that minimizes brain damage and promotes healing. Question is, how can you get a togetherness/ emotional closeness now.. and with whom…?

anita

Dear Katrine,

I am writing again because I would like you to have a less stressful Christmas, and you said that you’re already dreading meeting your sister and her partner for Christmas:

I’m already dreading seeing them at Christmas.

I’m going home for Christmas but am worried about seeing my sister and brother in law, I have very bad anxiety attacks being around my sister and they will probably be staying with us for a couple of days, which makes it that much harder because I can’t get away.

I understand that it’s not just your sister who is giving you a hard time, but that her partner too is behaving coldly with you. The last time you met, in August, he wouldn’t look at you or hug you (like he does your parents):

the day we came to see my newborn nephew in August he still wouldn’t look at me or hug me like he does my parents, it’s a punch in the gut every time

To better understand the dynamics between you and your brother-in-law, I went back and made a list of all the encounters you had with your sister and him (those that you mentioned in your posts). And I think he might have made a wrong impression of you. That, fueled by your sister probably telling him negative things about you, might have lead him to believe her and also see you in a negative light.

So let me list the encounters (those that happened and those that you missed) with him and your sister.

If I understood it well, the first time you met him was in September 2020, when your sister invited him (and some other people) to your house. That’s when you asked her not to have those people for too long and to go eat cake somewhere else. To which she reacted by rolling on the floor and pulling her hair:

September 2020:

it all started with a minor desagreament with my sister(35) yesterday. She is brain damage and has been for 23 years due to illness. I was 7 at the time and it took us 7 years before she got the treatment she need, nearly died several times. The desagrement was completely inocent nut my sister has a way of making it a personal attack on her, and me calmly telling her over and over again that this has nothing to do with her. She started yelling and screaming in my face, pulling her hair and rolling around on the floor. Then proceaded to verbally turn her anger out on my parents. My mom has untreated trauma and seeing her children struggle like this is too much for her. All of this because I politely told her that the people she invited to my parents house shouldn’t stay too long, and that we should just have the cake somewhere else.

You have mentioned the same event recently, and this is how I figured that it must have been her boyfriend who was among the people she invited to that party in September 2020:

The tantrum she had where she started rolling around on her floor and my mother broke down was due to several things, she mas mad that I was sick and put myself first, our region was put on complete lockdown and her new boyfriend was living a two hour drive away, so she was panicking that he would end up leaving her and then she wouldn’t have children, and the final straw was me trying to put down my foot. Then everything exploded she yelled at me, then my parents I did everything that I had read about dealing with conflict (i hate conflict my anxiety goes straight up) stay calm and use I statements trying to deescalate but it didn’t work. She stormed out of there yelling, and she hasn’t contacted me unless it is neccesary. My dad then took over the mental load of dealing with me sister and driving her to all her appointments which we all share resposiblílity for before. My dad had retired at this point and my mom was on the verge of a stress breakdown with everything about the pandemic and stuff

If I got that right, her new (or soon-to-be) boyfriend was among the people she invited to your house in September 2020, and she was very keen to have him. When you tried to limit his stay, she went ballistic. I am not sure if his visit happened at all, or it was cancelled?

The second time you had an opportunity to meet him was a few months later, sometime towards the end of 2020 or beginning of 2021. Your sister was already living on her own, possibly with her new boyfriend, and you and a few other people were invited to visit them. However, you were severely depressed at that time, because it was during the pandemic and you lost your job and had to return to your home country. So you declined her offer, because of depression. But she took it against you and accused you that you’re doing it on purpose to hurt her:

During the pandemic I sunk into a depression so bad that I was thinking about suicide every single day, I honestly didn’t think I would survive it. My sister ask me to come to her house (with a few other people) to meet her new boyfriend but I couldn’t get out of the house (cuz of the depression) I kindly declined and the next day a girl called me and told me so your just staying away to be passive agressive and hurt your sister. That hurt.

Then in spring 2021, her boyfriend had his 30^th birthday party, to which you and your parents were invited too. Things went well at first, you could talk nicely with his 4 siblings and you had fun. But you felt angry at your sister because she behaved so kind and loving with everyone, and his parents spoke highly of her too. You could hardly recognize her, because she never behaved so kindly with you. So at the end of the visit you didn’t greet her properly but looked down when you said goodbye. She, as well as him and his parents took it against you. She didn’t speak to you directly but she said to your father that you’re not welcome to their place again and that you wouldn’t be invited to her birthday 2 months later:

At my brother in laws 30th birthday party I was soo anxious, he has four siblings and they were all there with their partners and they still had their jobs. I was able to have fun though, talking a lot with his siblings and the conversation actually went as if we had been friends for years, that really surprised me. But then my sisters behaviour of such a loving and caring person and the way his parents was talking about her like, who is this person? Do I really know he? when saying goodbye I couldn’t get myself to look her in the eyes I just looked down and said goodbye and so joined my dad. A week later my dad got a phone call from her, she and his parents had noticed my behaviour and said that it would have consequences, I probably wouldn’t be welcome in their house again and I wasn’t going to be invited to my sisters birthday two months later. I was shocked. It was a very strong reaction in my book,

BTW were you indeed not invited to her birthday last year?

Fast forward to August 2022: You and your parents came to you sister’s place to see her newborn son. Her partner behaved coldly to you, wouldn’t look at you or hug you:

the day we came to see my newborn nephew in August he still wouldn’t look at me or hug me like he does my parents, it’s a punch in the gut every time

And finally, November 2022, you couldn’t make it to your nephew’s christening, and you sister took it against you, again accusing you (like once before) that you did that on purpose to hurt her:

I couldn’t make it home for my nephew’s christening and she is trying to turn it into a personal thing of me doing it to hurt her deliberately (that one send me into a panic attack at work, cried in the bathroom)

What I can glean from all this is that your brother-in-law knows you only superficially, because he’s seen you only a couple of times. You’ve cancelled two of the planned encounters, due to depression or because you had to work. And at one occasion, you acted somewhat rudely towards your sister (when you didn’t greet her properly). That’s all he knows about you.

Your sister almost certainly told him negative things about you, and since you behaved strangely at his birthday party, he probably believes her. And so he probably believes what your sister told him about you: that you’re selfish and trying to hurt her on purpose.

I think that’s why he is reserved and even rude with you – because he knows only the fraction of the truth, and he judges you based on that small fraction. You made a wrong impression on him that one time, and so I guess it’s easy for him to believe your sister.

The question is what to do now. I think it wouldn’t be bad to try to repair your image with him, and to show your real self when you meet him next time. I think it would be better if you could interact with him (and other people) from your true self, not from your triggered, anxious self.

That would be the only way to have a more or less pleasant Christmas holidays. The goal is not to triggered so easily when around your sister, but to stay as calm as possible. This way you’d be able to be more open and friendly around her partner and other people at the party – and show more of your true self, and less of your anxious self.

If you’d like, we can talk more about how to achieve it.

Otherwise, to return to your earlier post, I am very happy that you had success in staying at a party and not fleeing, although you felt anxiety at first:

I overheard her asking Y if the cutre guy was coming but he had an event to do that night and so couldn’t join. I felt my anxiety go up and my mind strated racing, I felt overwhelmed ( It was an insanely hectic day at work) and so started to look for excuses for me not to join them. But I stayed and I am really proud of that. I took some deep breaths and tried reframing/challenging my negative thought and the first hour or so I felt really like I was in the way and that they would have more fun without me. But after that (and the one drink I had made me tipsy) I started relaxing more and talking with people (obviously had he been there as well I would have been more anxious but it’s a start).

I am also glad that you’re going to various social events and taking a moderate approach: staying for a few hours, enjoying it, and then leaving when drinking becomes too heavy. That way you don’t feel excluded, and you don’t feel like a fool either sitting there while the others get wasted. Which is a great compromise and a win-win for you!

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

Keeping yourself as calm as possible every day, and throughout each day, one hour at a time, is very important, so that you have less of those stress hormones circulating in your blood. I read only recently how chronic, elevated levels of cortisol (a stress hormone) injure the parts of the brain responsible for cognitive functions and emotion regulation. I have to do the same myself, to keep myself as calm (and as regulated) as possible every day.

Four more days to Christmas Eve, Five days to Christmas Day.. Eleven days to your birthday, and a brand new year to follow. May good things come to you this holiday season and in 2023!

anita