Dear Katrine,

Your right there wasn’t any rejection directed at me, but I took it that way. …  I am just really sensitive in these situations, I need to practise this more.

Yeah, and I think it’s good to be aware what triggers your sensitivity, i.e. hypervigilance. You mentioned what it is for you: loud music, lots of people, not being able to see the exit… When you’re in those kind of situations, there is a higher chance that your anxiety will spiral out of control. Therefore it’s good to be prepared (because you don’t want to necessarily avoid such situations all of the time) and sort of count on it, and have a plan what to do in those situations, which will help you stay more calm.

There is a youtube video by psychologist Kati Morton, titled “7 tips to stop hypervigilance from PTSD“, where she explains how to help yourself, both in general and in those triggering situations. One of the key tools is deep belly breathing, same what Dr. Lepera suggested too. This deep breathing should best be practiced when you’re not triggered, but when you feel calm, so that when you get triggered, you can apply it immediately.

I think that apart from deep breathing in triggering situations, you might add a mantra of your choice, telling yourself positive affirmations, e.g. I am worthy, I am lovable, People like me. Or you may apply another self-soothing method, which will help you calm down.

In any case, I think having a contingency plan would be really helpful, because it would help you feel more empowered rather than helpless when those triggers occur.

Just as a side note, another calming method is progressive muscle relaxation (not mentioned in Kati Morton’s video, but elsewhere). This too should be practiced once per day – not in triggering situations, but when you’re calm. I think this is like an “exercise” for our nervous system – it teaches our nervous system how to relax better.

There has been so many incidents with my sister reacting very strongly and me being blamed for it. Lately with the christening, my parents usually don’t take my side in this case they did and it was really nice to try.

Good they took your side in this instance… but unfortunately, this was an exception to the rule. Because throughout your childhood and youth you were regularly blamed for things that were not your fault, while your sister was excused from blame and responsibility, I guess due to her illness?

It so hard when your walking on eggshells. Like during the pandemic I sunk into a depression so bad that I was thinking about suicide every single day, I honestly didn’t think I would survive it. My sister ask me to come to her house (with a few other people) to meet her new boyfriend but I couldn’t get out of the house (cuz of the depression) I kindly declined and the next day a girl called my and told me so your just staying away to be passive agressive and hurt your sister. That hurt.

Yes, that was very hurtful. She seems like a very self-centered person, without much empathy or understanding for others, specially for you. It’s all about her (me, me, me), and nothing about you and your needs.

That feeling the people think that I am a bad person, especially since I spend most of my life being a people pleaser and didn’t have any boundaries cuz they made me feel selfish. Now I am learning that a boundary isn’t a no to them but a yes to myself.

Yes! You said it perfectly! Keep applying it, don’t fall for your sister’s (or anyone else’s) manipulation and guilt-tripping!

The coffee date was a succes. We spend all day together and had the best time it went by so fast, and she is totally up for doing it again. So I am very happy that I asked.

I am so happy for you! That’s a really good development. I am so so glad….

Dear Katrine Nielsen:

It is possible to reduce the frequency and intensity of that panicky fight-or-flight neural & hormonal bodily response, but it really does take- like you say- practice. A lot of practice, I would add: day after day, every day and night.

anita

Dear Katrine,

One of the hardest part for me is that she is so empathetic and caring about people outside the family. I thought that she wasn’t capleble of it, because of what she has been through but seeing her treat other people so well, and then take her anger and frustration out on us, the very people who kept her alive.

I know what you’re talking about. My mother is like that: very empathetic and understanding with other people, but extremely criticizing and blaming of me and my father (her immediate family). As if she is split in two.

With other people, I guess she is doing what she believes a good Christian should do: help others, sacrifice, be kind… I guess she feels good about herself for being such a “good person”. But then her unresolved childhood wounds and her stubbornness come out with me and my father – always blaming us for her problems, never taking responsibility for any of her bad behavior. No empathy or understanding for us, only for other people.

Perhaps with your sister it’s similar – maybe she knows that being kind to others will bring her some benefit (people will like her, respect her, want to be in her company…), and so she is eager to behave nicely with them. But with you and your parents, she probably feels unconditionally accepted. She feels she can do whatever she wants and there won’t be any consequences (all will be forgiven), and that’s why she doesn’t have to pretend. She can be selfish and rude.

I also feel like something bad has been said about me behind my back, her boyfriend won’t look me in the eye when talking to me, and he hugs my parents but will only shake my hand and that doesn’t feel good.

It’s quite possible she makes up stories against you, portraying you as a selfish person. And people believe her, because she is so kind to them, so there is no reason not to trust her….

Anyway, I think the first step for you would be not to blame yourself when your sister is blaming you – not to trust her accusations and her characterization of you. You’re not selfish just because she says you are. You’re not selfish just because you refuse to fulfill her every whim.

Once you accept that you’re not a bad person as your sister is trying to portray you, it will be easier for you to not take her insults seriously. And you’ll also be able to set some boundaries, so she cannot just say or do anything to you without any consequences.

Dear Katrine,

good to hear from you! I was sick with covid 2 weeks ago, but thankfully am fully recovered now.

Knowing that Y is planing on going to Canada and travel with the guy I like, but still hasn’t told me about it. Makes me wonder if we are really friends or if something is going on behind my back.

I can imagine why this situation is making you feel uncomfortable. How come Y is travelling to Canada? Has she planned it before, independently of your guy, or there is something going on between the two of them?

In any case, the fact that she hasn’t told you yet, and you’re supposed to be close, is unusual. Maybe for some reason she feels uncomfortable telling you. Do you think it’s possible they got together? Because so far it was always like there’s nothing romantic going on between either X or Y and your guy, they’re just friends… Maybe they are indeed, but are travelling together because he’s going back home, and she was planning to travel to Canada in January, so they thought why not go together… I don’t know Katrine, it is strange. I guess you’ll find out soon enough…

As for your guy not looking you in the eyes, even if he was there right in front of you… well it’s a typical behavior of someone who is uncomfortable about contact. It can be his usual avoidant behavior with you, or it can be that there is something going on between him and Y, which makes him even more uncomfortable. Again, I don’t know, Katrine, but whatever it is, please don’t blame yourself – it is absolutely not your fault.

I’m trying to tell myself that I may not be as bad as it makes me feel, and try not to think too much about it.

No, you’re not bad whatsoever! The fact that he doesn’t greet you or doesn’t look you in the eye has nothing to do with you – it’s all about him and what is going on his mind. Please don’t let his immature behavior define how you feel about yourself!

The guy I was with earlier this year is in a new relationship. With a girl he knew from home before moving to Europe and wanting to settle here. All of his stories are about them going on dates. I stopped looking at them because it just makes me feel bad, because he never did any stories on social media with me.

As far as I understood, your relationship with this guy had an expiry date from the beginning. I mean, neither of you wanted it to continue once the guy leaves your country, right? And you weren’t really upset about it. I mean, that’s how I understood it. So perhaps that’s why he wasn’t posting anything about you on social media – since he knew it was only temporary? I don’t want to sound insensitive, but that’s how I understood it. Please tell me it wasn’t like that for you…

At my brother in laws 30th birthday party I was soo anxious, he has four siblings and they were all there with their partners and they still had there jobs. I was able too have fun though, talking a lot with his siblings and the conversation actually went as if we had been friends for years, that really surprised me. But then my sisters behaviour of such a loveling and caring person and they way his parents was talking about her like, who is this person? Do I really know he? when saying goodbye I couldn’t get myself to look her in the eyes I just looked down and said goodby and so joined my dad. A week later my dad got a phone call from her, she and his parents had noticed my behaviour and said that it would have consequences, I probably wouldn’t be welcome in their house again and I wasn’t going to be invited to my sisters birthday two months later. I was shocked. It was a very strong reaction in my book,

Yes, it is a very strong reaction! You were denied future visits because you haven’t cheerfully greeted your sister but looked down while saying goodbye. When did this happen?

I understand why you didn’t feel like greeting her – because you felt triggered. You saw how “loving and kind” she is with other people, and you know how selfish and judgmental she is with you, and that’s what upset you. You felt resentment towards her, and you couldn’t bring yourself to be nice to her. You let that resentment be visible to everybody, and I guess that infuriated her.

And sure enough, she retaliated, because that’s what she always did, hasn’t she? She had the right to be mean to you, but you didn’t have the right to be mean to her. Your parents defended her and never protected you. Or they blamed both of you, when it was clearly her fault. That’s very unfair.

It was the same this time: your father first scolded you (I guess repeating her words and her point of view), and then when you reacted and started yelling at him, he accused both of you:

He threathen to leave the family saying he didn’t want to have to deal with us children and all the problems anymore

Again, he wasn’t interested in finding out who is right and who is wrong – he was just interested in keeping the false peace. You were expected to give in to her whims, so she would stop her tantrums and her screaming. You needed to give in, so there would be peace in the house. You were always accused, while she was almost always excused.

As I said, very unfair. No wonder you’ve got so much resentment towards her!

I think you’d need to process that anger, preferably in therapy – years and years of abuse by your sister, and your parents tolerating that abuse, not protecting you from it, even blaming you for it. You need to express it in a safe environment.

If you do, two things will happen: 1) You’ll be less affected by her behavior in the future, and 2) You’ll be able to set boundaries with your sister and even cut all contact with her, if necessary. Because you don’t deserve to be abused like that – you don’t need it in your life and you’re allowed to say “No! Thus far and no further!”

Do you have an opportunity to go therapy?