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Does anyone have any experience of ADHD in relationships?

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Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
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  • January 21, 2015 at 1:33 pm #71738
    Scottieflying
    Participant

    Hi all,

    I’m currently dating a man who has ADD which he is medicated for… even then, he struggles to remember to call when he said he will, to follow through on things he said he would etc…which can be extremely frustrating.

    I try hard to separate the ‘disability’ from him as a person, I understand on a rational level that he is not doing it on purpose, but some days it is just really disappointing to feel forgotten and not important.

    Any tips?

    January 21, 2015 at 5:47 pm #71744
    Sunfl0wer
    Participant

    Hi there,

    Hummm.. This is tricky. I have ADD, inattentive type. I do try to go out of my way to compensate for times when I am forgetful. So if you catch me forgetting to call, then I am quite apologetic and try to be reassuring of the fact. Also, I may have ADD but I feel that I am responsible for finding strategies to compensate. Like, I may not remember to call, so it is my responsibility to schedule it in my phone, or to schedule a txt that gets sent hours later. Idk…is he at least making efforts to meet your needs? Or is he making excuses for his disability? Sometimes tho, it is really nice for someone to acknowledge that they understand that I have this issue and that they understand my intentions are well and positive ones. It can sometimes be so stressful.

    Idk but I hope that helps in some way!

    January 21, 2015 at 6:22 pm #71756
    Scottieflying
    Participant

    Thanks Sunfl0wer!

    He is always very apologetic when he realises he missed something or messed up.. and I HATE making him feel guilty for something that I KNOW isn’t his fault. But I appreciate the insight that he should take responsibility for finding strategies to accommodate.

    I really just don’t know how to deal with expressing my disappointment while still understanding that his intention is not to cause me harm, and then when he messes up he already feels crappy, without me adding to it!

    I feel like it’s MY expectations that should be adjusted??

    January 22, 2015 at 4:31 am #71780
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Scottieflying,

    It sounds like he needs a secretary or a valet. If my dad didn’t have his secretary he would never know when my birthday was. No joke ~ the secretary went on vacation and I didn’t get a call. LOL

    I might have ADD, I never got tested ~ some days I swear I do. Whenever I say I’m going to call/whatever I make a note of it in my iPhone Notes and then put it in my calendar at home as if it were an appointment.

    If he makes his “shoulds” into “appointments” on the calendar, it will become a habit. The trick is not to fill up the calendar or he’ll get overwhelmed. It should be for those “oh by the way” things that come up. Maybe one a day.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    January 22, 2015 at 5:12 am #71783
    Sunfl0wer
    Participant

    Maybe your expectations should be adjusted, I don’t know how a person decides that as I struggle with balancing my expectations myself. I can understand you may be hurt and that you may have less pain if you shift to expecting less, but like I said, idk how to get balance in that area for me either.

    If that is what you think though… Maybe “picking your battles” is something to consider. Maybe think of one thing he is forgetful with but has desire to change. Instead of phrasing it that you are hurt. Be positive and encouraging? For example: “I really love it when you do ________, I wonder if I wrote it here on the calendar, sticky not etc, could you do that again Tuesday?” And maybe find another way to feel loved and reassured that doesn’t depend on him remembering specific things. Like maybe he can’t remember to txt everyday at lunch, but maybe he randomly gives you a love note that you can keep on your dresser?

    Honestly tho, it is not easy to create new habits and simply use a calendar. Any change like that and to remember to be consistent will take lots of effort. Also, I sometimes get so involved with a task that it takes my entire focus. That I’m struggling to stay with the task and in a “mode” that to stop, switch gears, and call a BF would do too much to take me out of my mindset and often then I’ll not be able to easily switch back to being productive.

    Lol Inky, if I didn’t have a FB, I would not know birthdays!

    I hope something helps!

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