- This topic has 15 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 5 months ago by
Karmasoda.
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May 12, 2016 at 12:17 pm #104378
caroleParticipantThe last five years have been a real struggle for me. My mother was diagnosed with cancer. I began trying to spend time with her – some of which was demanded by my family ( take care of her every other weekend, so my parents could save money) even though my pardnts were well off. I finally went home for the last 6 weeks of her life and just stayed (they lived 2 and a half hours from my home). Then there was getting my dad settled, since he couldn’t take care of himself. The every other weekend with my dad continued… In the meantime, my husband, who rarely went with me to help, decided that he liked being on his own and asked for a divorce. We continued to live together in the hopes that his ambivalence would right itself. Things got a little better for a few months and then my father died. After my Dad’s death, my husband decided just as he’d done when my mom died that he wanted s separation. I was able to tell him to go ahead and find his own place as at that point the handwriting was on the wall. As soon as he got settled he began working towards divorce. My job was changed drastically in my first year living alone. It was actually a good thing because I was very busy and surrounded by people and the challenge of doing well in an almost impossible position. During the second year I decided to retire – I’d worked in education, helping others for 37 years and physically was not really up to it ( needed a knee replacement, etc) At the same time as my retirement, we sold our home (where I had lived with my husband and 2 children for 23 years). I was married for 29! My boys are grown and extremely independent – one lives overseas and the other 6 hours away. They were sad about the divorce (they thought we had a good family)! Now that I am alone all the time with no purpose, I sleep a lot and am struggling. I had given myself permission to rest – I had a very demanding job and life up until now. I also felt like it was time to face my fear of being alone and try to live with myself. But being alone is very hard – I sleep and read a lot, take walks and I do socialize a couple of times a week. On my bad days I have a great fear that this is it and that I will always be alone from now on. I am embarrass and ashamed of my divorce. I get weepy thinking about how good my life was when I was married and raising my boys. I honestly do have some good days and I have projects/things to do. I recently went to my primary physician and he said that I must start doing things with others because he thinks I am isolating myself. I know that I should volunteer, but just haven’t felt like it yet… I do have several trips on tap and other things set up for the summer which is why I haven’t started any volunteering to date. I kinda thought things would evolve if I could learn to live with myself. I don’t have very close friends, but I do have friends. So my question is this: am I making myself depressed and do I need to more actively pursue finding a new purpose??? I worked very hard at giving of myself for 37 years, so even though I love working and helping others, I am also a bit worn out from it… I probably need to go back to counseling… Feels like I’ve been in and out of counseling my whole life! Thoughts, support, words of wisdom would be most helpful…
May 12, 2016 at 2:48 pm #104387
SunnigirlParticipantI have struggled with this question for years and I think the answer comes back to trust. Trust yourself and be patient.
This isn’t about me but I want you to feel like I have some familiarity with your situation. In the last 15 years I divorced a man I loved because we made each other the worst possible versions of ourselves. I can be proud that he is so happy. Been fired 8-10 times because I have an illness that I won’t share. Taken care of my grandmother until she passed, then my father until he died and then my grandfather. My mother is now blind with heart failure and a stroke. She now lives with me. I have never had another caregiver to help. I have now been hospitalized 3 times for life threatening blood clots. And I’ve added another 120 pounds. I have been in counseling for the better part of 30 years. Life can really kick you in the knees.
Here’s my takeaways. Nobody knows you better than you do yourself. Listen. Love your friends and family. They mean well but they judge you behavior from their eyes and life view. Don’t judge yourself by any social standard. I think there’s pressure to have some grand larger than real life purpose and lifestyle. I finally found the right counselor and I’ve learned how to take care of myself. I no longer expect to be something especially something I don’t want.
You might be isolating but you get out and do things. Maybe not as much as much as you used to but you’re healing and becoming your next self. Next. Not new. Not better. Go easy on yourself. Ask yourself why you don’t go out. If it’s due to fear or overwhelming or physical issues, seek help. If not be confident you are listening to yourself…trusting yourself. You’ve been through a lot. It takes time. Some people are really busy with causes and it’s more to stay one step ahead of the demons in their life. Or to be a show for all to see. In the end if you want to stay home and garden and watch movies on bargain Tuesday’s that’s as noble as if you volunteer.
good luck and good vibrations
May 12, 2016 at 5:18 pm #104399caroleParticipantThank you, Sunnigirl! This is exactly what I need to hear. I love the way you talk about a “next self”! I have often said to myself that I am getting to know myself… Always taking care of others can get in the way of even knowing who one is. Also I do need to trust myself and my own “work” towards peace. I even go out alone sometimes and hang out with my married friends, but it’s hard! Your counselor sounds terrific. I hope you are also realizing some time of your own – you sound like you have a lot on your plate! Again thanks for your response – means a lot to me!
CaroleMay 12, 2016 at 5:21 pm #104400caroleParticipantP.S. My father was blind, so your own story resonates!
May 12, 2016 at 7:24 pm #104408
AnonymousGuestDear carole:
After a lifetime of giving to others, as a mother, a wife, a daughter to aging parents, an educators, it is probably not a good idea to volunteer so to give more, I would think. You mentioned that it seems to you that you were in and out of counseling your whole life. How often or how long did you attend psychotherapy and what benefit was it for you?
anita
May 13, 2016 at 5:05 am #104436
InkyParticipantYou need to give yourself a break. Who cares if you need a year (or two, or five) to figure out what you should be doing? The thing is, you are, for the first time EVER, without an active role. You are no longer (an active) daughter, educator, mother, wife, caretaker. Now it’s all about you, baby!! 🙂
Do what gives you Joy. Even if you don’t know now what that joy is, follow little glimmers of it. Get the sandwich at the coffee house you love every day. Go antiquing. Go watch old movies. Go paint 100 birdhouses. You get the idea!
Volunteer somewhere maybe next year. But only if in your secret heart of hearts you still want to.
Blessings,
Inky
May 13, 2016 at 4:30 pm #104474SunnigirlParticipantCarole,
I am so glad it helped a little or a lot. You are asking the right great questions and are aware. I believe you are going to do wonders for yourself.
Good vibrations
May 14, 2016 at 6:47 pm #104545caroleParticipantInky,
Loved what you had to say! I do think that is what I am trying to do (find the joyful things)!!! I just seem to get sidetracked at times especially with such a long winter! I was in the sunshine doing some digging today and it felt so lovely!
Anita,
Counseling has always been a help except when I either did not go to someone who knew how to be helpful(with my husband after he’d already decided he wanted to leave)and several different male Psychologists/Psychiatrists, who sucked). I was horribly exploited by one years ago! Being a Psychologist myself probably makes it hard for me to find a good fit; on the other hand I have a hard time sticking up for myself when something isn’t working. I probably still have a lot of “stuff”to work through although not as bad as some go through.
It definitely appeals to me to try to relax and let things unfold, doing what feels right and good. My last Therapist was a big proponent of Acceptance and Committment Therapy. She was very helpful, but she retired shortly before I did so I have not sought anyone out since I have had so much alone time on my hands!I love getting feedback so much – writing here has reinforced some of what I’ve been thinking!
May 14, 2016 at 7:25 pm #104547AnonymousGuestDear carole:
You wrote that you love getting feedback so much. Well, we are a match then, because I love giving feedback. So ask-and-you-shall receive feedback from me, every time.
Having been someone’s daughter, someone’s wife, someone’s mother ((congratulations for producing independent sons!), someone’s employee: these are all roles. Yet, these roles either don’t exist anymore or, in case of your sons, they are grown and independent. So there you are, role-less.
Who is, then, role-less carole?
anita
May 27, 2016 at 1:01 pm #105810
PeterParticipantPersonally I found the ‘Purpose Driven Life’ movement unhelpful and more often than not opening the door to depression.
The problem is that when most people talk about purpose they are imagining something grand, something experienced with every breath we take… One wonders is the need for a purpose isn’t a desire that what we do is be recognize by others?
The reality is that purpose like meaning is a subjective experience and not something that exists in and of itself as an measurable objective experience. We do love to measure things and you would think we would be better at it.
As Joseph Campbell put it with regards to the question of life having meaning (purpose) “Each of us has meaning and we bring it to life. It is a waste to be asking the question when you are the answer.”
As such ‘purpose’ may be the experiencing and bring to consciousness our experiences as they are.
“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” Joseph Campbell
“People say that what we’re all seeking is a meaning for life. I don’t think that’s what we’re really seeking. I think that what we’re seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances with our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” Joseph Campbell
“If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.” – Joseph Campbell
June 12, 2016 at 7:41 am #106994
Chris SpecialeParticipantCarole:
It’s time to be selfish.
Ask yourself: what do *you* really want? Do not consider how you feel towards things with the limitation of what others might think if you pursue what you want. Do not consider what other people want from you. Do not consider how your actions might make other people feel. Do not consider whether or not your life belong to your friends, your family, or your community. Your life belongs to you.
If you do not know what you really want, then get out there and start exploring the world. What are you interested in? What can you look at and feel an intense passion towards? What is out there that you want to discover? Are there things you want to create? Are there people you want to meet? Is there a place you really want to live? What do you want to have in your very own house? How about your very own dining room table, a bookshelf, with a tv whenever you wanna watch your favorite shows? Select only the best things in life that make you happy. Of course, enjoying life will require spending money. So how will you earn money? Start pursuing the sort of job that *you* will enjoy the most! And if you don’t have the qualifications to do that sort of job yet, do what I’m doing and work as a laborer until you can get those qualifications. Being a laborer is not “unglamorous” or burdensome as many make it seem. I can enjoy it so long as I keep in mind that this is the work I must do in order to get the things I want. Besides, you can make any place special if you just focus on what matters to you the most.
It took me 20 years to decide what I want to do with myself. But now that I’ve decided, I’ve begun taking the first steps in making that dream a reality. Once you choose what you want, don’t be stupid about it. Do your research. Figure out what you have to do in order to get it. Just take it one step at a time, and before you know it, you’re enjoying every moment of your life like you never have before.
June 13, 2016 at 8:29 am #107115caroleParticipantPeter, thanks for you reply – the quotes were awesome!
June 13, 2016 at 8:37 am #107116caroleParticipantHey all!
Be careful! You might get what you wish for (said with tongue in cheekJune 13, 2016 at 8:39 am #107117caroleParticipantI wrote a whole bunch and now it’s lost? I’ll check back in with my story when I get a chance!
June 13, 2016 at 8:58 am #107119
VaniParticipantCarole,
Please take a break from everything and do the thing that you always want to do.
Instead of fearing ‘will the life will remain the same?’ please divert your mind on doing things that brings you happiness. It is never too late to find a true purpose and meaning of life. Instead of fearing the unknown, please focus on what can be done next. Let go of old life. Accept your present situation and move on. I am sure this too shall pass.
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