Dear Madi:

It reads like he is/ has been very troubled about his parents’ broken marriage (“he would explain to me at length about all the broken marriages he has seen, including his own parents”)- if his parents’ marriage was troubled while he was growing up, then he was understandably troubled as a child and onward, witnessing his parents’ bad marriage. This would explain why he repeatedly brought up the topic of marriage to you, even though it wasn’t a topic that was relevant to you and him.

It would have been appropriate if he talked about his parents’ troubled marriage to a professional counselor who could listen to him objectively and help him, instead of talking about it with you, a non-objective listener (because of your emotional involvement with him).

“I’m just so in love with him but I don’t think he loves me the same way.. I love him but I keep asking myself, is that enough when he is unsure about what he wants “- reads like he loves you but he is troubled about his parents’ marriage. Given that (1) this is your first relationship and you are not seeking marriage at this time, (2) this relationship is not yet one year old, (3) he stopped his activity on the dating app about 6 months ago, and he stopped talking about (his disinterest in) marriage two months ago, and the relationship has been great for the last two months, maybe you can be okay in the relationship as it is right now. But because of your increased anxiety in the relationship, it may help you to attend short-term counseling. Do you have such an option?

anita

Dear Madi:

I don’t know if you will be reading this post, a month following your original post here, and I don’t know if you are still in this relationship (I assume that you are because you “fell for him”, and once fallen, it’s hard to get up), but I happened to re-read it and I changed my answer to your question “Do I leave him?” from a No to a Yes. My reason: he is too afraid to be in a relationship, and his excess fear and extreme shifts from wanting a relationship with you to not wanting it, has already caused you anxiety and is likely to continue to do so. In other words, he is bad for your mental/ emotional health (“our relationship was making me feel anxious and sad.. pressured.. his words continue to haunt me.. I’m really confused”).

He told you that he loved you on the second date, but almost as fast- he wanted out: first by “still  talking to other people on dating apps”, and later by repeatedly telling you: “I don’t think I’m ever going to get married”, even though marriage was something the two of you “never really discussed before”, and it was not something you expressed to him that you wanted any time soon.

He told you so many times that he didn’t want to get married because he wanted to make sure that you understand that indeed, like you said, the relationship has “an expiration date”, and like he said, he didn’t want you you to “feel like (you’re)  being led on by him”-

He has prepared the way for a break up, either initiated by him, and/ or by you: he already initiated a suggestion… that you initiate a breakup with him (“He said he didn’t want me to feel this way and said that I should break up with him and move on then”).

“I know he loves me but I feel like I’m being naive and foolish… I’m really confused. I love him but I keep asking myself, is that enough when he is so unsure about what he wants?”- I think that he is quite sure of what he wants: he wants to be your boyfriend for as long as you know that it will not be for long. If he didn’t tell you the sentence I italicized, or something equivalent in clarity, and if he gives you mixed messages- then he is not honest with you, is my understanding, and that’s why you are confused and feeling foolish.

anita