Dear Jenn:

I haven’t been with a partner for that long but I know a man who has been with his now ex wife for that long. She ended the marriage with him. He was lost too, lonely, like you. I can tell it hurt you a lot when he referred to another woman as his best friend forever. As you see, there is no forever.

I need to be away from the computer for about 11 hours. I would very much like to read more from you. Please do post here anytime. Use it as a journal of sorts, express your thoughts and feelings. I will reply to you when I am back and anytime you post, if you would like me to.

I hope other members will reply to you as well. Please be good to yourself today/ this evening.

anita

Hi Jenn,

Firstly I want to say how sorry I am for what you’ve been through. It is the most devastating thing! To be turned away after being together so long. For not being appreciated for all you were and did for them. And the sense of abandonment and pain – it’s deep!

My husband of 20 years said the same thing to me in July 2016. And then it came out two weeks later that he’d actually found someone else. I tried but nothing I said or did would change his mind. I moved back to my home town in February 2017, taking my three teens with me. At least I had them. But they would go to visit their dad sometimes and the loneliness was unbearable.

All I can say is that it gets better! It’s been nearly three years now since he told me, and two and a half years since the divorce has gone through. I’ve worked hard on my healing, focusing strongly on self-love and self-care. I’ve joined a dance group, found hobbies and interests to bury myself in, and been as gentle with myself as I possibly can. It’s not easy as self-love wasn’t always my mantra. Making an effort to go out to friends and family, sometimes even when I’m tired, has also helped with the loneliness. The last time my kids went away, I had finally reached the point where I could relish in the silence. It has taken me years to get there. Yes, I wouldn’t say I prefer to be alone, but I’ve learned to find good in it.

I’ve also learned to find a sense of freedom and independence in being single. Many days I long for someone in my life, but other times, I love being able to do whatever I want, whenever I want, without having to answer to a husband. Sure, I need to consider my kids, but it’s different. There’s a certain magic to being single. Yes, one day I’d love to find someone – at the right time, but for now, I will try to find the joy in this season of my life. It takes time to get there, but it’s possible. I was very attached to my husband and my whole life revolved around him. So, if I can get here, I know you can too.

Could you possibly not find a room mate to live with? I know some people aren’t wired to live on their own for long periods of time. If not, a cat or dog? Or even a bird. They can be great companions.

I sincerely hope that you can find the joy in the small things, find a support network around you, and find the deep healing you need.

Much love,
Kathy

hello

I’m sorry you are in pain.

We divorced after 25 years of marriage and 3 children. It was a decision based on one of us being keen to experience more in life  (work-life balance, learning, travel, skills, languages, voluntary work) following ill-health retirement from a toxic work situation and the other wanting an ever more rigid lifestyle with impending retirement (‘watch tv and do absolutely nothing ever again’). I’ve probably indicated which I was!

The realisation that one can be lonely whilst with others, +/- in a toxic work situation, because of unmet needs has been transformative for me. I have pills, counselling, and now treat self-care as my ‘job’.

You are grieving for the loss of the future life you expected.

You feel lonely but want to feel loved/appreciated/useful/sexually attractive etc. I have found keeping a journal helpful to break down the steps needed to feel happier by following the sort of practical suggestions above.

You have bought a new home – what an achievement! Is it in a state to invite a friend or neighbours to visit? By which I mean- electricity, water, sewage system, something to sit or sleep on and a beverage of choice. If so, book someone in, even if they need to bring provisions. You will have plenty to talk about even if it’s just ‘chat’ rather than more emotionally involved topics. Can you volunteer locally, in something that keeps you absorbed for a few hours?

Big hug, Rxx