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Discussion about hardships in relationships, when to stay and when to leave?

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  • June 24, 2015 at 4:54 pm #78804
    LotusFlowerInTheMud
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    This is a follow-up to a previous discussion post about what a healthy long-term relationship looks like.

    What I would like to discuss is hardships in relationships. How do you know if the hardship you are experiencing is temporary and you should stay, vs. when the hardship that will not change and you should leave?

    Relationships have both ups and downs, but everyone seems to only talk about how great and happy they are. I would like to talk about the opposite side of things. I’ve seen people stay in unhappy relationships for way too long, but I’ve also seen people run at the first sign of trouble. How do you navigate this? How do you know when you should tough it out, or when to leave because it is unhealthy for you?

    Please feel free to share any thoughts, opinions, advice, or own experiences.

    Much appreciated,

    Lotus

    June 24, 2015 at 5:19 pm #78806
    Matt
    Participant

    Lotusflower,

    When there is mud, we add the river. Soon it is a swamp, then a lake, then the ocean. The river, for me, is focused communication. One person speaks, one person listens, both being mindful and respectful, knowing the other being the main intention. Not fixing, not blaming, not stabbing, not judging, just sharing and knowing. The rest works out from there.

    I understand theoryland may feel safer, but mudland is where the nourishment rests. Said differently, for a lotus to blossom, she breaks the seed husk and open her roots to draw nourishment from the mud. Do you have the courage to do that? Here where its anonymous? With him? With a therapist?

    With warmth,
    Matt

    June 24, 2015 at 5:42 pm #78807
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Again,

    I would leave:

    1. When Respect is not there. Contempt, anger, invalidating ~ those are deal breakers for me.

    2. When there is infidelity, physical or emotional. Caveat: I have kids now so I would actually stay in the marriage until the last one is grown. A child’s stability trumps crazy girlfriends who would break up a home because they are “soul mates”.

    3. When there is an issue “beyond” me. We are wives/girlfriends, NOT trained therapists. Addiction, abuse, gambling, anything with an anonymous 1-800 number.

    4. When the man won’t take care of himself. Morbidly obese, untreated health problems, untreated depression. If they won’t take care of themselves, how would they help take care of their family? Especially in an emergency?

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Inky.
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