Dear MissCat42:

My thoughts as I read your post:

1. It is your parents’ right to not have your boyfriend in their home overnight. It is unfortunate for your boyfriend and for you, I suppose, but it is not your boyfriend’s property, or yours, so neither one of you has the legal or moral right to decide if he stays over.

2. If the property you found “doesn’t actually have permission to be used as a dwelling”, and no way to get that permission, or no way for the two of you to finance such a permission, then that property is not a home you can live in, and your boyfriend’s lasting anger and disappointment directed at you (and your parents) is completely irrational. His lasting anger and disappointment at you (and at your parents) regarding your rational choice to not invest your money in a non-dwelling is a perfect example of what is called emotional reasoning, that is because he feels excited about buying the property, then it is the right choice to buy it.

“It broke his heart.. pure devastation… stolen his dream away”- he doesn’t understand that the non-dwelling property is not his dream, and therefore you didn’t steal his dream away from him. And days later, he still “cannot see (your) point of view at all”.

Reads to me that this property situation intensified his pre-existing depression and he is not thinking rationally. You did well to make the rational choice, and not wasting money you worked so hard to earn and save. But he is not doing well. You did all you can to explain the rational behind your decision and to show him support for his devastation. I don’t know what else you can do ?

anita

Dear MissCat42:

You are welcome. I guess he is “hanging onto the feeling of excitement and joy at finding a property we could ‘afford’ and where we could achieve our ‘dreams'”, because if he lets go of this excitement/ joy, he is back to the despair and hopelessness that characterize depression.

To help him, stick to your rational thinking (and don’t invest money unwisely so to feed his excitement for just a little longer!) and spend time with him, if he lets you, doing little things together, some fun things perhaps, bowling (an example that came to mind), some physical activities. Hopefully he will gradually get off that exciting/ joyful ride he got on, a ride that would have brought you and him a lot of misery later on.

Post anytime you want to, and I will be glad to reply to you again.

anita

Dear MissCat42:

It is possible that he will continue to use your (logical and sensible) decision regarding the property against you because it serves him to do that: he gets to send some pain your way every time he feels frustrated in life and it gives him a relief to do that. It is the hallmark of abuse: to spreads the pain around so to get a relief, however temporary.

If he continues to refer to the real estate (logical and sensible..!) decision that you made against you as he did most recently, then it is abuse. It is the kind of abuse that doesn’t involve bleeding or broken bones, or even cuss words, it involves a repeating poking of sorts, a small stab of sorts, once in a while when he feels the need to relieve himself a bit. It wears a person down to be at the receiving end of this slow, bit by bit kind of torture.

If I was you, I would make it very clear to him that he needs to immediately and completely stop this passive-aggressive kind of poking, blaming, those emotional little stabs. If you try “to be more patient” with him as he continues this slow pace abuse, then he gets more comfortable doing it and .. it is not good way for you to live!

anita