Hi Tom!

I can empathise with feeling taken for granted.

You sound like someone who puts a lot of effort into caring for others. It can feel quite bad when others don’t reciprocate. Especially when you are trying so hard to meet other people’s needs.

It’s okay to take a break and have some time for yourself when you need to. Self-care is one way of self-soothing. Making sure that your needs are being taken care of. If you find yourself getting stressed and you’re hungry a small snack can settle emotions. Any hobbies that you enjoy and find relaxing can be helpful too. Everyone’s needs and preferences are unique. Some people find bathing relaxing.

Have you ever heard of love languages? Some people have different preferences for how they give and receive love. Some include, acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation and gift giving.

What do you think your style is? From what you’ve said, you strike me as someone who values acts of service and quality time. What do you think?

I bring this up because your loved ones may be trying to show you love and care in other ways. Learning to identify and value other peoples acts of love can be quite reassuring. Do you notice any specific ways that your family shows love?

For example, my sister might be late. But we see each other regularly and spend plenty of time together. She makes sure that I’m well fed and have plenty to drink when I visit her. She shows her care in a slightly different way. Thinking about these things would be an emotional form of self soothing.

It’s really tricky when it comes to the amount of effort put into things because some people don’t put in as much effort as others for a variety of reasons. Some people don’t see being messy as being a problem. Some might value their wellbeing as opposed to working very hard and stressing themselves out. It doesn’t necessarily mean that someone doesn’t care though or appreciate how much effort that you choose to out in.

Wishing you all the best! 🙏

Hi Tom,

you are welcome, glad it helped.

No second thoughts on this, absolutely spot on.

Happy to hear that your spouse is a “good, honest person, with a kind heart.”

I would consider my family very supportive in giving me my own space, I do not see that very common especially when you have little kids. I am fortunate to have enough time for the things that I love doing.

What I am also hearing is that she is supportive in giving you your own space. She also respects your need to have time for your own hobbies. All this is telling me that she is supportive (at least in some aspects), tolerant and flexible. Would you agree?

You said you may have a problem seeing the good in your spouse (I might not be seeing the good in them). I hope that you can now see the good qualities that your wife possesses: good-hearted, supportive, tolerant and flexible.

You also said you want your children to be imbibed with the qualities you find important and that you yourself possess: punctuality, order and organization (I also want to be a role model to my kids and imbibe the necessary values and principles that I follow).

I think that besides the qualities you cherish, your children should adopt some of the qualities your wife possesses too. Because both set of qualities are important.

So perhaps if you start appreciating your wife for her qualities, it will not only bring you closer to her, but will also help your children adopt those good qualities that she possesses.

I hope this helps. Wishing you all the best! Let us know how it went, if you choose to have that conversation with your wife…

Hi Tom,

Very tolerant and flexible, patient to the core.

glad to hear your wife has those good qualities too.

What I understand is this might be a phase and things would get fine with times as is the case with any couple/ family.

That’s quite possible. As the children grow up, priorities change too, and the dynamic in your family might change as well. Perhaps your wife is rather burdened at the moment and has other priorities (related to child care) instead of being on time always. But this might change later, as the circumstances change.

I think I should prepare myself to face even more difficult situations as we move forward, its always better than getting overwhelmed

Well, as the children hit puberty, parenting may get more challenging. Don’t know if that’s applicable to your situation, but yes, it’s better to expect things to be less than perfect than to be frustrated when they’re not.

Thanks you for your supportive ideas and words of encouragement.

You are very welcome, Tom. Wishing you and your family all the best!