Home→Forums→Relationships→Dilemma
- This topic has 39 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 8 months ago by Nan.
-
AuthorPosts
-
November 2, 2017 at 2:00 am #176177TomParticipant
Bit of a dating dilemma. I began dating this girl from my area who I knew years ago when we were younger (around 22). We are both now around 30. I didn’t know her well but use to see her out etc and we had a few mutual friends.
This last month or so we have reconnected and had 6 or 7 great dates. Things were going amazing and it felt so natural and right. However, last night I had a lengthy phone call with her as she had something she wanted to tell me. She has recently found out she is pregnant. She found out a week ago and wanted to tell me right away but needed a few days to digest etc. She was pretty sure I wouldn’t speak to her again as it’s obviously not an ideal situation when you have started seeing someone. She doesn’t speak to or see the guy as it was a one night thing months ago. She didn’t know she was pregnant when we started dating and has been worked up about telling me.
I was obviously shocked by the news but am now not 100% sure what to do. We get on so well and I think we have a connection but this will perhaps change the dynamic a bit.
Does anyone have any advice?
November 2, 2017 at 4:25 am #176181InkyParticipantHi Tom,
My advice is to remain friends at most and friendly at least. You don’t need to be a surrogate father to a baby for a woman you only went on a few great dates with. If you break up, the baby will lose a father (twice! if you think about it). Maybe when you guys are forty and the baby is a teenager you can reconnect and be an Uncle Tom. She should really be talking to the actual father about this.
Good Luck whatever you decide!
Inky
November 2, 2017 at 6:27 am #176207AnonymousGuestDear Tom:
Did she share with you if she is planning on keeping the pregnancy going or intending to terminate it?
anita
November 2, 2017 at 8:26 am #176179DramafreeParticipantHi Tom,
Happiness is very underated. Are you happy when you’re with her? Do you want children some day? If you feel that there is something that could be great between you and this woman, i wouldn’t give up on the relationship. Hope this helps.
Hoping for the best!
Terri
November 2, 2017 at 8:53 am #176241TomParticipantHi Anita,
She is keeping it. She didn’t actually realise she was pregnant until last week and is too far along to terminate it.
Terri – I am very happy with her. That is why it was a bit of a shock. I could definitely see us together for a long time,
November 2, 2017 at 9:11 am #176243AnonymousGuestDear Tom:
You asked for advice. My advice: if you choose to continue this beginning relationship, keep getting to know her. Observe and learn, over time.
She told you that she had “a one night thing” months ago, got pregnant and didn’t know she was pregnant until one week ago, and now the pregnancy is too far along to be terminated. It is possible that what she told you was true. It is also possible that parts of it are not.
When a woman does have a one night stand, one or a few, unprotected, and her period is late, I would think the woman might get concerned about being pregnant and get one of those very inexpensive pregnancy tests available at any pharmacy, over the counter. At 30, she didn’t think of it? Possible.
anita
November 2, 2017 at 9:59 am #176247InkyParticipantYeah, not to be all Lifetime Movie plot, but unless she is morbidly obese, skipped taking her pill, and/or is VERY not in tune with her body, it is highly unlikely she didn’t consider she might be pregnant. At thirty. By three months.
This happened “accidentally on purpose” in my family. One was a twenty year old girl. Another was a 40 year old OBGYN! And with both all the women in the family were all, “Come on!” with a side order of eye rolls. Even the twenty year old girl’s mother.
Do you really want to be with someone who has one night stands, is that careless with her birth control and actively chooses to ignore what her body is saying while having great dates with someone not the father?
I know this is not what you want to hear.
My advice still stands: Be a friend. As in “Friends help friends set up the crib”. Not a dad.
Inky
November 2, 2017 at 10:43 am #176257nextstepsParticipantHi Tom,
there are many reasons why she had a one night stand a few months ago and we don’t know them so perhaps, as Anita says, get to know her more and assess her character and just ask her. Normally gut feelings are right about a person.
it’s not an ideal situation but if you are serious about her, and it sounds like you like her, then my thoughts are that life rarely is ideal and you have to think if you would regret not sticking by her at this time. Only you know that. You could be friends, but in my experience it’s hard to be friends with someone you fancy/have feelings for and that could make it more confusing and harder if you decide to end it. so if that’s the case perhaps not be in her life at all for now.
Only you both can work it out how you see fit and only you both know best. I appreciate it is a dilemma but normally your gut feeling, deep down knows best eg when you first wake up, in the shower or driving you normally have a feel for where you should go.
November 2, 2017 at 10:48 am #176261TomParticipantI will ask for clarification on how she didn’t know etc but I have no reason not to believe her. She seems a very genuine person and was clearly upset when she told me and still shocked about the situation.
November 2, 2017 at 11:11 am #176267AnonymousGuestDear Tom:
She appears to be genuine, to you, and she may be. She was clearly upset when telling you- I can understand that liking you as much as she does, she was upset at the idea that she will lose you once you knew of her pregnancy. But she had to tell you because planning to keep the pregnancy going, you were going to find out soon enough.
anita
November 2, 2017 at 11:15 am #176271InkyParticipantWell, keep in mind that unless she has the best support system in the world (that is not you), there will be a lot of sleepless nights, being “touched out” from holding a baby all day, a toddler to run after, lack of funds, sick child/missed work, a jealous kid that wants his mom all to himself, “You’re not my dad”, and possibly another kid who is biologically your own because once more she messed up the birth control.
I’m not even touching on the potential resentment from your end. Supporting an instant family, not being first, etc.
It’s easy to fall in love with the IDEA of having a family. Just as you fell in love with the IDEA of this woman. Just please only set up the crib and don’t sign any marriage certificates or open a joint bank account.
November 2, 2017 at 11:18 am #176275AnonymousGuest* Dear Inky: One of the very best of Inky’s. I had to put it out here.
anita
November 2, 2017 at 11:37 am #176283AnonymousInactiveTom,
This is tricky! I was a single parent and raised my son alone with no help from his father. It wasn’t easy, but the most rewarding beautiful experience of my life (he’s 20 now). Dating was difficult, and finding a good man to love my son as I did was difficult. Babies definitely change things, but what she needs most right now is your unconditional friendship, and understanding. It will not be easy dating a woman with a child, and it will most certainly not be easy accepting another man’s baby, but if she’s the one, it will all be worth it. Best of luck!
November 2, 2017 at 7:15 pm #176327Wanderlust16ParticipantTom,
I agree with others here that she’s possibly not telling you the entire story or is very careless. With STDs being on the rise, who the heck does not use protection with a one night stand?? I’m shocked if that is the case. I’d offer her your friendship but not more until you get to know her character much better. I’m not a parent but have witnessed how a child changes the dynamic of a couple. The child will always be a # 1 priority to the parent (s) and this child is another man’s. Good luck to you.
November 3, 2017 at 3:53 am #176359ElianaParticipantHi Tom,
If you really like her, ask her to talk to the real father first and see what she is going to do about the child. If she is going to keep it, keep in mind, that she is going to be a single mother and might not have alot of time to pursue a relationship. She will be busy having sleepless nights, changing diapers, is she financially independent where she can afford this, or will she be looking to you to provide? That is if the father does not step up, and she decides to keep the child. Then again, she may give it up for adoption. Then she has to think about another perhaps bigger place, for another room for a baby. This is going to be a heavy emotional toll for her. I would have her Talk to the father first, and then talk to her about where she sees her future with the child and perhaps you in it.
For example if she does have the child, you don’t want to become bonded with the child if she does not see a future with you. I would sit down and discuss all this with her before pursuing anything more with her.
-
AuthorPosts