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Difficulty dealing with major breakup

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  • June 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm #57925
    Jess
    Participant

    You say that you don’t want him back, yet you are expressing jealousy about this other woman. You can love someone,you can love them all you want – but it in no way means that it is always the best kind of love for you. You should do what is best for your child. I feel that living under the same roof, and still sleeping with him (seriously, you’re giving him the best of both worlds; no responsibility for him, but he still gets sex. Very bad for your self esteem.) isn’t the best thing for yourself or your child. I understand that people will stay together for their children. I understand the reasons they have for this. But, doesn’t it make for an unhappy situation? Children aren’t dumb; they can pick up on things and it can affect them. Maybe your solution is to live in the same city, and start new. It seems this man you’ve been with (and let’s face it, you still are) isn’t moving in the same direction as you. For things to work, and for it to be a happy situation, both people have to be moving in the same direction/be on the same page. Would you let a best friend treat you the way this man is? If the answer is no, then you know in your heart what is the best thing for yourself and your child. Go for your future goals (and your child’s), and surround yourself with what brings out the best in yourself – not the worst (example: jealousy and fear). Once you make your decision, you can reflect back on this moment and realize it was not so bad:)

    June 3, 2014 at 4:17 am #57991
    Inky
    Participant

    I notice these women are both online. To me it’s all fantasy. (Yes, that’s how you met, but I think he will prob. never meet them.) The gaming is an escape. Online is great! Beats mom dying, trying to pay rent, etc. It has little, if anything, to do with you. And after more than seven years, he sounds a little immature for his age (even if you had gotten together as young teenagers).

    I would move out but live in the same town so he can see the child. It will be easier to break off the friends with benefits BS. It’s been too long. Or, take the summer off and you and your son visit your family! Maybe stay for good, he can move this time! You are in control of your own life. Sadly, not his.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Inky.
    June 3, 2014 at 6:38 am #57998
    Shellie
    Participant

    Jess and Inky made great comments and suggestions.

    I think your title says it all. “Difficulty Dealing w/ Major Break Up”. You are aware that you are having a hard time dealing with the breakup. It doesn’t seem like you are happy in this situation so how much longer do you want to live unhappy? 1 more year? 2 more years? 10 more?
    I agree with Inky. Your child’s father is living in a fantasy land and finds his escape on the internet. Regardless of what and why, he is not committed to you. You need to get your life back. Taking control will be scary now, but you will thank yourself for it down the line.

    You need to move out. Whether it means going back home or living with a friend, you need to be in a separate space. Yes, he will want to see his son. But it doesn’t have to be on his terms. It will take compromise from both parties.

    Stop having sex with him.

    Focus on you and your son. Bettering your life. Accomplishing goals. Spend time with family.
    Do not allow one confused and unstable man to determine your selfworth. You can love him. You can consider him a best friend. But what is the use of having a best friend when you can’t be a best friend to yourself? You can’t truly love yourself because you are in a situation that allows you to constantly be demoralized.
    After you get some space (9-12 months), I think you will be able to see the relationship clearly. You both will. And then you can decide on what next step is best for you and your son.

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Shellie.
    June 4, 2014 at 1:57 am #58070
    iskimbalahemhem
    Participant

    Just broke up a couple of weeks ago with my girlfriend. We’ve been together for 10 years enjoying our 4 children, 3 biological and her son from her legal husband. I’m so confused what to do now because I decided for this break up. She is asking for a chance but I denied her the chance to be together again.

    A short background:

    My girlfriend is overpowering me ever since. All major decisions are her call otherwise it’ll be World War… minor decisions are on me and most of the time overruled. She can decide for our common fund instantly, she gives to her relatives but when I just got an idea like “what if we give some money to my brother?” OMG it’s WW III instantly. My parents are telling my that I am not asserting my rights in the family but my only goal is to keep the family that’s why I opted to keep quiet and follow her orders. By the way she’s older by 9. Every time we have arguments, even if she’s at fault… it’s my fault, and nothing to do but say sorry. If I don’t do that, she will continue to keep quiet, destroy some stuff, and bring the bomb of separation. For so long, every time there’s a war between us, she releases the bomb and all I can do is to surrender and detonate it just to keep the family. However, last few months, our fight gone wild and became very often. Maybe, the frequency was 3 times a week. My mother together with our kids traveled abroad to visit us. One time, my mother witnessed again her wrath confronting me. I surrendered. Next few days, happened again, she released the bomb and I FINALLY ACCEPTED it. I ended it and accepted the separation.

    After a day she pleaded for a chance. She even told me that every time she offered the separation, she never meant it. OMG! How about the torture that I experienced every time she throw that bomb. I told her it’s over, I’m fed up, let’s be co-parent for the kids.

    She said that she’ll change for good, the power in the family is on me, she will just be in the background with the pre-condition that I will assure to her that I will come back to her. Since, I want to make her realize what she did, I didn’t give her any assurance that I will come back because if she really means to change, change first and let’s see later on. Since, she didn’t receive any assurance of me coming back, she returned to me my 3 biological kids-my mother and the 3 kids flew back home. What happened last couple of days was, she stopped giving provision for the 3 kids, she left all responsibilities for the 3 kids on me, she resigned from her work, and said kids are on me she doesn’t care anymore. She will leave this country and fly anywhere she likes. *** Unless I come back to her, she will stay and continue the provision and parenting my kids.

    My requirements to her are:
    1. Make peace with my family because she aggravate the situation inflicting emotional pain to my parents and brothers.
    2. Be humble to my parents

    Her response:
    1. That’s the best I can do, I said sorry. If they didn’t see the sincerity, I don’t care.

    My goal:
    1. To teach her a lesson
    2. To help me providing for the kids
    3. To help me parenting the kids

    Her condition:
    1. Come back

    Please… any insight? I’m really puzzled down here.

    Thanks

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