One day after writing this post and I’m more back to my “old” self than ever. The “it” in my head wants conformity, security, when I think of exercising, the answer is “what for”, when I think of studying or getting myself nice clothes, the same answer. I feel like losing weight, getting a driving licence, etc. in the past have been just crutches for me to be more responsible, confident and more myself, and now it seems like there is no point in doing it anymore, because there won’t be the lesson behind it. I don’t know why I am doing this to myself, since I had been living with a head full of insecurities most of my life and it wasn’t really a life..

Anita: Hi. The voice is.. I don’t know, when I try to go against it, I have a tightness in my chest and say and do even more silly things. I literally heard at one point “This is the end of your career.” Then I asked and what will be then?? “Nothing”. I don’t know what it was supposed to mean.

I live with my mother and my older brother. I get along quite well with my mother, but I always do in bad times because she’s not one to judge. When I was younger a lot of things used to irritate me about her and it’s coming back, I guess she is my mirror in some kind. My father doesn’t live with us, they divorced when I was 17. He wouldn’t give much attention to us in our childhood and I suffered from it, maybe to my adulthood, I think it is the reason why I want everyone’s approval.

Basically the whole underlying message is “If you want to be successful, they what are you not at school anymore realizing your dreams?” It’s like doing anything that would make me feel “successful” would make the whole “quiting school and career” thing pointless.

Anything that would make her “her” and not “perfect”. I always had the urge to be perfect, that means not coughing awkwardly, not playing pantomime, not laughing with my teeth out, etc.. So when she eats noisily, gossips, when she reacts when someone is not talking to her but to some other person, when she says something stupid, simply when she does something that “shouldn’t be”, it irritates me.

I just want to undergo hypnosis and figure out at once haha.. I just don’t want to believe that the Voice is me and that I’m chosing conformity and being nobody for the rest of my life..

She says it herself that we’re all she has. She doesn’t really have friends and she blames herself a lot for our father’s leaving. She blames on herself even my current situation, she said to me “Now I won’t sleep the whole night because this you’ve been like this since he left and that’s my fault”. In September, I mentioned moving out and she just wouldn’t get over it I think, she immediately takes it personally. She doesn’t have hobbies either, I think we’re really all she has.