October 26, 2020 at 3:21 pm #368272MinnieParticipant
It’s been just over 3 months that my ex and I broke up. We dated for 2 years. It was a mutual break up but I guess it was more on his end that he wanted to break things off. His reasons were that we don’t have a lot in common and don’t know why all of a sudden the wheels have stopped turning. I respected that and did not beg him to give the relationship another go as I feel it will be forced to try work things out and we probably won’t be happy anyway. He was extremely emotional and did say he is scared he will regret his decision one day but said this decision would be fair for me.
Overall our relationship is healthy enough and we hardly fight. More just small arguments. Due to Covid that his hours at work had cut down a lot meaning less in income so he was struggling financially. I tried to help and support where ever I can. In the end I felt he became distant towards our relationship and that’s when I initiated the ‘space/ break up’ talk.
My ex does have a bit of a mood swing and likes to keep his problems to himself.
I’ve been coping well but I still miss and love him. Overall I can see that I am improving.
Anyways, out of the blue, he messaged me tonight and said that his been arguing with himself For weeks to whether to msg me or not and wanting to give me more space and ask me how I’ve been going.
I responded a bit later. I kept the message short and sweet.
He responded back and ended with ‘you probably wouldn’t want me to say this, but I miss you. Sorry.’
I didn’t respond back because I don’t know how to and I’m not planning to.
Part of me wants to go back to him but a bigger part of me doesn’t because it’s just too painful and no one can guarantee that this time round things will workout and we will live happily ever after.
I want to stay friends with him but i’m not sure if it’s the right thing to do at this point as we both need time to heal…
Is this the right approach?
Thanks for reading this.October 26, 2020 at 3:47 pm #368275
I think that it is better for you to not be friends with him, and keep a distance from him for at least six months. Reads to me that he is confused and not well at this point. You are not and cannot be his therapist, so if you keep in touch with him while he is confused and unwell, you are likely to get hurt (and as you do, he will not get better).
October 26, 2020 at 6:24 pm #368280
- This reply was modified 3 months ago by anita.
I want to give your thread a little more time and attention. You shared your boyfriend suffered “a bit of a mood swing and likes to keep his problems to himself”. Earlier this year, his working hours and income were cut down a lot because of Covid. As a result, he struggled financially and became distant from you. At one point, he broke up with, “extremely emotional”, “Scared he will regret his decision one day”, and saying that the two of you “don’t have a lot in common”.
I am guessing that the break up was gradual/ not clear cut, and at one point, you “initiated the ‘space/ break up’ talk” with him.
Following that talk and breakup three months ago, you’ve been “coping well… Overall.. improving”. Out of the blue, he messaged you most recently, saying that he’s been “arguing with himself for weeks” regarding messaging you vs giving you more space. You answered with a short and sweet message, and he responded back, ending with “you probably wouldn’t want me to say this, but I miss you. Sorry”.
You didn’t respond back because you “don’t know how to”, or if to respond at all. Part of you wants to get back with him, but a bigger part of you “doesn’t because it’s just too painful” and there is no guarantee that it will work out. You want to stay friends with him but you are not sure if it’s the right thing to do.
My thoughts: let’s look at his message to you, it started with: “you probably wouldn’t want me to say this”- if he indeed believes that you probably wouldn’t want him to say this.. why did he continue to say it: “I miss you”. He said it, and then apologized, “sorry”.
What this message tells me is that he is not direct and straightforward, he doesn’t come out with the truth as it is. Maybe he sent you this message wanting you to feel sorry for him, trying to motivate you to call him back with: please don’t be sorry! I miss you too!
If you want to discuss this point further, please do.
anitaOctober 26, 2020 at 9:28 pm #368282MinnieParticipant
Thanks so much for reading into my post.
Yes, I initiated the talk to see what is going on with him. I made it clear during the talk that my intention is not to break up but to see why the distance, where can we try resolve the issue and if he needed some space to think.
We had a one week space to ourselves which it was him that messaged me to have the second talk and which it was him that decided it’s best for us to break up.
I agree with you, if he knows that I don’t want to hear (which he is correct) then why say it. I think he is testing the water to see if I would initiate another talk to see if there is a chance to get back together?
I do feel sorry for him. He lives about an hour away from his family and 5min away from me. Because of Covid, we’re not allow to go around to other households for visits unless for compassionate reasons or to your intimate partner’s house.
I feel like he got no one to talk to during these difficult times and I feel terrible about it. There were so many times i want to reach out to him to see if he needs help but i thought better not to.October 27, 2020 at 8:14 am #368294
You are welcome. Let’s look at what happened, in order of time:
1) About four months ago, or earlier, he acted distant from you.
2) You initiated a talk “to see what is going on with him.. why the distance.. and if he needed some space to think”, letting him know that your intention is to resolve the issues in the relationship, not to break up.
3) He took your offer for space, and maintained it for a week.
4) He messaged you suggesting a second talk; within that talk he told you that “it’s best for us to break up” because “we don’t have a lot in common”.
5) After more than 3 months he messaged you, asking “how (you’ve) been doing”?
6) You answered him a bit later with a “short and sweet” message.
7) He messaged you that he misses you (“I miss you”), preceded with “you probably wouldn’t want me to say this”, and followed with “sorry”.
My understanding today:
He asked you how you’ve been going and you answered his question with a short and sweet message, not including details, which would have made the message long, and it was not a bitter message. Next, he didn’t ask you for details about how you are doing/ your life in the last three months. So, I am thinking he didn’t care to know. What he wanted was to tell you that he misses you– that’s the core of his message.
I agree with you that his motivation in telling you that he misses you is this: “he is testing the water to see if I would initiate another talk to see if there is a chance to get back together”. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to get back together with you, or that he would have, if you responded positively with I-miss-you-too.
It could be that he just wanted to know if you were unhappy without him and if you wanted him back.
It is possible, as it is often the case when breakups are concerned, that he broke up with you because he was angry at you. After all, when person A becomes distant from person B, it is often because A is angry at B. Fast forward more than three months after he broke up with you, he may be angry still, at least at times.
Before and after his core message, he told you: “you probably wouldn’t want me to say this… sorry”- when a person apologizes, it is because the person believes he did something wrong/ hurtful (“sorry”). He knew that you didn’t want him to tell you that he misses you, but he proceeded to tell you that anyway. He know that by telling you this, he will displease you, or hurt you somewhat.
Next, I ask myself why was he willing to displease/ hurt you in that message, and why has he been angry at you otherwise, leading to him becoming distant from you and then breaking up with you. The reason for his anger couldn’t have been that the two of you “don’t have a lot in common” because you had enough in common to keep you engaged in a two year relationship prior to the breakup.
Maybe what you do not have in common is that you are mentally healthier than him and he envies you for that: he has “a bit of a mood swing and likes to keep his problems to himself”, he spends time “arguing with himself for weeks”, while your life is easier- your mood is significantly more balanced, you share your problems and feel better for it, you are “coping well… improving” after the breakup.. while he still argues with himself for weeks.
When a person is troubled, is not well, it often makes them envious/ angry to be around a person who is not troubled, or does not appear troubled.
You can look back at your relationship with him looking for his anger. If I am correct, beware- while you “feel sorry for him”, he may feel angry at you, and as angry people do, he may be trying to hurt you.