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Destroyed my future

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  • #64113
    Maureen
    Participant

    Destroyed your future? How do you know that? I know that what you thought your future would be is possibly destroyed, but that only gives you something to look forward to. Honestly, you have some work to do on you. As long as you are focused on this girls and the relationship, you are distracted from the real issue-you. She’s gone. You are still here.

    You should cry. You should cry and cry until you cannot cry anymore. You should also see a therapists. You need cognitive support.You are not any different from the rest of us when we have suffered a loss. I was like you for about 3 weeks, but it isnow 3 month, yes I still cry once in a while, but why shouldn’t I, I felt destroyed. Like you. You don’t want this girl back. She is with someone else and you want someone who will stick by you, but more important you want a relationship based on love, not dependence. To get there brother you have some work to do. So do it. You are fine right now. You will be fine. Your future is not destroyed. You are lonely, betrayed, and hurt.

    #64117
    Inky
    Participant

    This is more for future reference: Do you really have Aspergers? If so, there is a book about loving someone with Aspergers. In fact, it is probably called Loving Someone with Aspergers. If you look for it you will find it. If she had that book, she may still have broken up with you, don’t get me wrong ~ but maybe she would have understood you better? I would get copies or resources like it for any future relationships/friendships so they “get you”.

    Now ~ you are going through a mental breakdown. Can you see a therapist, call a mental health hotline or even check yourself into a facility?

    After seven years everyone naturally changes, or begins anew on some level. If she is your soul mate, you will always have that connection, whether you are physically together or not. And remember, though this is hard to believe now: we have many soul mates. You were lucky enough to meet one. What a gift. Be grateful that it happened at all!

    Get more support (off the internet!) and God Bless!

    #64118
    Ed
    Participant

    One of the major issues Im dealing with apart from not being with her is that she did stick with me for so long and through so much, I left her for long periods of time after each breakdown and she was devastated and heart broken, she lost her job through being unable to work due to the pain and then having to take a lower paid job when she finally felt well enough again.
    When the Aspergers first came to light she got all the information she could find, trawling the internet,reading books,trying to find a way to make us work, but it was my fear of being labeled and what it meant about me as a person which made me avoid dealing with it, which also added to my anxieties and triggering another Aspie breakdown.

    When I finally did start to do something about it all it was too late, she had soooo much love for me and now it has suddenly gone like a light being turned off, my sense of timing couldn’t be worse, and I feel responsible for the situation I’m in.

    #64119
    Inky
    Participant

    We can’t control others’ love. Let’s say you were a perfect Aspie. Let’s say you didn’t have that label at all. Seven years ~ anything can happen in seven years. I would seriously find a way to ReSet ~ meaning get calm and stable, start over.

    #64152
    Anonymous
    Participant

    One of our biggest fears is that the way I feel now is the way I will always feel, or I will never love another the way I love this person now. I am in my mid 40’s and I can say that for me that turns out to not be true.

    If this doesn’t work, you will love again.

    #64160
    sojourner
    Participant

    Ed,
    First of all, sending healing thoughts to you. Inky’s right, you are having a mental breakdown – I recognize the symptoms because I (and I’m sure many others on these forums) have been through that hell.

    Give yourself a break. Please change your script of self blame – nothing good is going to come from that. Learn from it all and move on. You are a good person, worthy of love, worthy of peace, change your script to reflect that. What’s done is done, start to think positively about the changes and efforts you’ve made to fix your life.

    This awful thing happened and your girl finally got worn down. She is still treating you with kindness, but please, let her have a life. She deserves it. If you love her, let her go. The more you push her, the further away she is going to go, my friend. If you are truly soul mates, maybe one day when you are healthy and able to stand on your own two feet, you will be together then.

    I see two issues here – you mention how her jealousy & insecurity was an issue back in the day. And then you start talking about Aspies. If you are going to keep revisiting the past to such a degree, please look at ALL the issues with equity.

    You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you are going to be in a position to be loved by someone else. What you need comes from inside you, not from outside, not from someone else. Breathe, be strong, do the hard work, get healed up. It sounds like therapy is in order for sure, and there’s nothing wrong with that. Again, I have been there. Therapy helps, time helps. Give yourself a chance to heal – you’ve been through a LOT.

    #64200
    Will
    Participant

    Hi Ed. Man, you sound like you are in so much pain. And it’s only been two weeks, so, of course you’re going to be in pain. And I’m sorry that you’re in pain, and I hope that my thoughts about where your pain comes from doesn’t hurt you more but leads you to a path that will help you out of the dark.

    The way you’re thinking and talking about this relationship and the break-up betrays an unhelpful attitude, and I believe that that attitude is responsible for a large chunk of your pain.

    “I am hurting like I have never hurt before, I don’t want to get better unless better is with her, I don’t want time to heal
    unless time will bring her back, I don’t want to get over her unless it would some how reignite her love for me.”

    You are holding on to something that is already gone. Clinging to something you cannot have. And it is this clinging that is causing your pain. You haven’t destroyed your future. You haven’t lost the only woman you could ever love. You haven’t ruined everything forever.

    I understand, yes, that’s how you feel, and it’s good to be in touch with how you feel, but isn’t there a rational part of you that sees things differently? You were in a relationship, and you were in a bad way, and the relationship ended. That’s all. You were in a relationship and it ended. That happens to the majority of people at some point in their lives, and yes, they usually feel devastated. And then they get on with their lives.

    Whatever they taught you in your therapy to help manage your emotions, practice that. Practice like your life depends on it, because it sounds like it might. Practice mindfulness — get on a course or get the Kabat-zinn book or some tapes or whatever you can get that will help. Learn to ease your grip, just a little. Try to see a broader perspective, just slightly. Every step you can take back to see the bigger picture will lift a load of pain off your back.

    Believe that time will heal you. Have faith that you, like so many others who had their hearts broken, crushed, pound to dust, can live and love again. I believe in life after love. I have seen it. You will stumble out of this tunnel if you keep walking towards the light. Please keep walking.

    May you find ease.

    #64419
    Ed
    Participant

    Thank you for all your kind words.
    Everyday is a struggle and some are better than others but I do try and find something positive in each day. I study and teach aikido (The way of harmony) a defensive martial art, which has always been good at grounding me and I have thrown myself back into it but even then I still struggle to focus, she is always in my mind.
    My friends have been very good and I have spent a lot of time with them and I have more therapy sessions coming up, including a mindfulness course and a few job opportunities have come my way, it just seems like I’m filling the void, trying to keep occupied rather than doing these things to improve my self or my situation.
    The lack of sleep is definitely not helping.

    #64421
    Matt
    Participant

    Ed,

    If you were to reframe your internal struggle as an aikido match, what would you see? Perhaps look at how you have a vision of her, like an aggressor, bringing disruption, pushing energy at you, through you. What would you do in such a case? How would you absorb the energy, flow alongside it, and redirect the moment back toward harmony… if it were a physical form? Its not much different internally, emotions arise from physical causes.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #64819
    Ed
    Participant

    So, it’s been nearly four weeks since I found out my ex was seeing someone else and three since we last spoke. I have cried every day and night and I’m still struggling to sleep (its 4am as I type) but still keep on doing positive things, I have had a job interview which seemed to go very well and I have possibly found a really nice place to live as well (I’m temporary with my parents since my last episode)
    I have been on aikido training courses and began to teach again and even participated in a spartan race, I’m still not back at work as I have been signed off by my dr as I’m meant to be on nights but that will hopefully change next week.
    Despite all this she is still in my thoughts through all of this, even when I’m busy, its almost like I’m being haunted by her and the fact she chose someone else over me.
    The fact that she was also my best friend who I would talk with all the time whenever I had a problem is also a great lose.

    I know things will get better, I still have a lot of healing to do, the weekends are the hardest as I know that she is with him but I do want her to be happy as I have so much love for her despite the pain.

    It would be nice to have a respite just for a while.

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