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- This topic has 7 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by sojourner.
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June 10, 2014 at 1:03 am #58461JaraParticipant
i really did, everything which was egoistical and selfish. although im not. im so mad at myself for that. i don’t think im egoistical and selfish, because i only speak to people about myself and stuff because i want to help myself and become better again. it’s stupid and i know it. but i think it’s too late because everyone said stuff like “it’s disgusting to make him earn your respect like this” and they didn’t talk to me anymore, for like days. i send messages everyday like hello and stuff and are you there. but im really desperate to earn their respect and love. i sometimes wonder if i really love him because im so desperate. i always thought so because i wanted the best for him. but this desperate feeling takes it over.
xx
June 10, 2014 at 3:34 am #58464InkyParticipantHi Jara,
I don’t know how you were trying to make him earn your respect?
But I do know the feeling of trying to earn people’s respect and love.
It is, quite simply, the worst feeling in the world.
There’s an exercise called The Emotion Wheel. Draw a clock. One o’ clock is the horrible feeling right now. Write down “Desperate”. At twelve o’ clock is the feeling you want. “Blissed Out”.
OK, at two o’ clock you want to feel a little bit better than “Desperate”. Write down “Sad”. Sit with that “Sad” feeling until you feel that rather than the other feeling.
You can write phrases down too. By the time you get to nine o’ clock the feelings might be Acceptance, Gratitude. Or a phrase might be, “I am exactly where I need to be now”. Any idea, phrase or word that makes you feel a little bit better than the “hour” before.
Try to get all the way around the clock.
Good luck!
- This reply was modified 10 years, 5 months ago by Inky.
June 10, 2014 at 4:54 am #58471JaraParticipantthankyou, it’s a good idea, i will try it. but i still think i can’t do anything. wpuld this be because im too desperate or because something else? i just don’t think i am enough to him always.
June 10, 2014 at 4:57 am #58472InkyParticipantYou know what, try. Try to get some space in your brain so it can rest, so it can breathe. YouTube guided meditations. Do one a day. See what happens. It may or may not work out with the guy, but if you can calm and soothe your mind, that will help a lot.
June 10, 2014 at 5:45 am #58473JaraParticipantim just so emberrassed to do anything. im afraid i emberrassed myself in front of him too. i can’t do anything anymore.
June 10, 2014 at 11:17 am #58499MattParticipantJara,
Yep, you’re a fool. Acting selfishly, egoism popping out of you, unskillful, putting salt in your cake instead of sugar, and whoa boy, what a cake that makes! Glass of water please?
Consider that in your heart, the salt is not the issue, not really. The “true salt” or “emotional mistake” is actually foolishly thinking that baking a poorly tasting cake makes you less, makes you unworthy of tenderness, of love. Mu, false, garbage. We all mess up, time and time again, can’t be avoided. We have these imperfect maps, you see, and all these emotions and thoughts that make things difficult to navigate.
That’s OK, dear sister, its nothing to be ashamed about. We make mistakes, learn, and grow. They don’t define us, they don’t mean “we are just the kind of person that bakes salt cakes”. Said differently, you’re beating yourself up for things you can’t avoid. How stupid is that?
Consider a different approach. Instead of sitting and stewing in your mistakes, just breathe with them. Don’t hide, cower, shake… just sit, open, look. If you feel you did harm, apologize. If you just flubbed and tittered and blerted, just let it go. Forgive yourself for acting like a fool… if they don’t, that’s their issue, their lack of warm feelings inside them. For us, when we make mistakes and forgive ourselves, accept that inevitable stumbling, they just become information. “Ah, next time I’ll make sure to have my salt and sugar containers labelled”. Or whatever. Who cares? Onward, more to bake, more to learn, new experiences to dance alongside… and here is Jara, growing. What a beauty!
With warmth,
MattJune 10, 2014 at 5:50 pm #58559Big blueParticipantHi Jara,
Matt is right on with his advice. Inky, too. I’ve felt desperate before and it’s no fun.
By the way – the cake metaphor reminds me of a laugh that I once had on myself. I was driving alone on the interstate and pulled over for coffee. Back then (20th century) there were no drive throughs, and I used cream or Cremona so I poured some Cremora in the styrofoam cup, capped it off and got back on the highway. Then, once at full speed, I slowly took a sip. It was Parmesan cheese that I had thought was Cremora. Trust me when I say that having coffee laced with cheese is both disgusting and funny at the same time. Moral of the story: ‘let it go…’ 🙂
Big blue
June 10, 2014 at 10:41 pm #58586sojournerParticipantBIG BLUE! GREAT story! MATT! you rock as always. I once slaved away over making oatmeal cookies – a LARGE batch – and accidentlyused salt instead of sugar. They looked pretty but they were terrible! What a good laugh.
Best wishes Jara…as we say out here…Cowgirl Up! You are worthy and beautiful and human.
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