Hello anita

These quotes were from the last messages 3 weeks ago. I didn’t wrote you everything when I created the post. I didn’t try now. Part of her answers seemed depressive. But I didn’t make any efforts to resume the relationship. I don’t know how she could be burdened. We were just talking. Of course there was the perspective to resume the relationship. But only when we would meet at that point. And these messages were when she took her decision.
I believe she needs time for herself it’s true. But as some point she could return to me. I also believe because maybe she didn’t see the changes she wanted to see, I don’t know. But again we haven’t met since long time.

It’s a possibility things got wrong by messages. It’s true that days before when she didn’t answer me, i gave a bit some pression because she didn’t answer. I didn’t know how to deal with it. But all this was 3 weeks ago. I left her space.
I also should say some of her words of letting her go are quite similar to the words the used for the break. I may be wrong but it seems she is really deeply depressed and she prefer to let me go.
It’s difficult to know all this just by reading some texts because I don’t know how the whole situation is.

Thank you for your answer anita.

It’s difficult to expose the whole situation. But I didn’t wanted to resume the relationship. She couldn’t see or feel it that way. And then being oppressed She didn’t feel forced. We were on a break and we talked, got closer, redeveloped complicity but without wanting or expecting for the moment. I was just trying to do my best to be more supportive, good person compared to before.

It’s difficult to measure all that by distance. But I am pretty sure she was interested until recently because it was we were trying to build. Problem is that I couldn’t meet her before. Without the situation, I would go around march. The break was supposed to last until that date but then border closed and it was impossible. It’s only since one month that borders reopened here and we got vaccinated.

I may blame the depression because things got worse since she had it so I don’t know how she is or her condition. But I know that from end of may, communication start to be less and less or complicity. And it coincided with the time she told me she had another depression. In middle of may she was still telling about a show we were watching by distance that we need to be there together to watch the finale. I must have feel at the moment that it could be a proposition in order I ask her to go and I missed it.

Yes exactly it’s her talking. Because beyond that, the main issue were my changes. Before in the relationship I was pretty bad. And she gave a chance to change that. Without these problems, indeed even with her depression she may have not decided that. As I was saying, everything was done and decided by distance : the break, the break-up.. Without the opportunity to see us each other or discuss about it. As I told you, last time I saw her was January 7th 2020 !! We didn’t have physically met since then.
She wanted to give me a second chance but she gave me different in the relation. So she couldn’t wait more. That’s when she took her decision.

But the essential thing would be to see me changed, not the same anymore. She may had have a little preview but by distance it’s not the same.
As reconquering an ex partner, it’s essential to look forward the future. And so far, regarding how she remember me it was difficult. It will be up to me she sees another person she can trust. I can’t offer her the past. I must show her another person. We can’t resume the relationship because indeed it has ended. I would be a new one as a new person.

When she said to let her go, I did it and left some space. It was also the same word for the break. But I believe I have my chance to see her one last time and then she sees by her self. As you said at the beginning of the thread, she need to see me as a solution and not a problem anymore. If my changes can bring her safety I may have a chance.
I also think it would deserve a last in-person meeting. We had so intense relationship and we shared some many things despite being a distance relationship. I think something can happen if I am the new person she was expecting.
I will have to take my stuff anyway. So many things are there as we were planning to be together. 80 per cent of stuff are mine and I told her 3 weeks ago it will be normal to help her to make her space because as my old behavior it was not normal to not her let space. And she thanked me for this.

Hello anita

Yes I had the idea from the beginning anyway. I would also say an excuse. But I guess it’s also good that we talk at least.
Not only for my stuff. But mostly it’s making space for her. And it was an issue from the past relationship. It was so much things. I was filling space, she doesn’t have a lot of space for her. Most furnitures are busy. So it will sooth her in that way already.
If it goes well, I might offer her walking, coffee, drink or dinner. She also may offer dinner.

Yes I won’t. She could feel it that I really value. Even if she offer me otherwise. It would be  the real good thing I do. With the negative she remember from me. I didn’t tell all my issues. But one example was for example to leave her alone. And rather travel the world, forget about her.

It could be quite more regarding the volume of things to organise. See it more like flat moving. It would even require a second visit.
I know she is expecting some aspects. Stability and maturity was for example essential in her mind. And for some she will see the difference in minutes (word from a friend). It’s almost like you see some before/after picture. She knew me as of january 2020 and she perfectly remember how I was. We mostly talked by text since this time. And that’s what is blocking now because she has me in memory from what she knew of me. She needs to feel safe and that I changed enough in her perspective. I agree I can’t show everything. Especially some that can be seen in the couple. But if I bring her some part of the solution and she sees concrete things, more attention, support, listening to her.. she may think about it. In any case if things get well, she would require time. Or at least further date. I will be present for her without being in demand.

In that way the burden you said she feel when asked resuming the relationship would be as long as she didnt break up she would be still in the waiting expecting for something unsure making her more burden. Now that she doesn’t expect anything,  it would be easier.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.

Thank you Anita

Indeed it was essential that I explain everything. It’s very difficult to expose whole situation and sometimes I have the tendency to mix and get lost in the explanation.

How she felt.. How I was before and what she is waiting now. And she didn’t want to wait to be maybe disappointed because too long she gave me other chances in the relationship. She didn’t want to have the burden to wait perhaps for nothing.
She was already kind of betrayed in the relationship when she gave so much, sacrified some part of her life and got nothing in return from me. We were in a relation for 7 years and nothing evolved from my side in order to live together ! So I realize she needs a lot of proves. And speaking or seeing changes by text won’t be enough.

I also imagine that chemically speaking a lack of physical proximity for so long and low level of hormones such oxytocin or dopamine might not have help. Some low levels could even be tendency to depression as she already had some anxiety before that.

It reminds me a discussion one day when we were still together before the covid. She told me that her anxiety could be due to my lack of physical presence because at some point I didn’t come often to see her. And she said it was lack of hormones. Her doctor told her so. I remember I laughed at it and made fun at the moment.

Thank you for words. I feel now more optimism. I will have to show her I changed and also that she feels secure enough, comfortable and understood. It will be also a good time I will be able to show my awareness about the past, that I understood her suffering and that she took on her in the relationship. From the present and future, it will be essential to rebuild something new and healthy.

Thank you for you time. You must be incredible empathic to take your time to answer everyone. It’s a quality I must also develop.
And I do hope to have chance. Not only for me. But to be right I can fulfill her needs.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.

Hello anita

Yes i mean a long term relationship for 7 years. It’s not common that long. I mean distant. We were considering marrying. That she come to France or either I live in Ukraine it didn’t matter. But her opportunities are better in France as a pharmacist I believe.
But I couldn’t move. One day she even prepared all papers for embassy. But I didn’t move and papers got expired. From that day, she told me I will have to prepare everything by myself. I never move my finger. I saw with my therapist that one problem I had was issues to move in life, to decide things and to ACT. So years passed. We wanted to marry. We never did. But we wanted. So until the break, we continued our long distance relationship. And she took on herself. Without I see it. When we were talking about it, I accused her she didn’t want to come. But she didn’t feel safe to come without a job.
The lack of job was the problem to have stability. I kinda proposed her but not officially and without giving her a ring. We were planning to marry. When she decided the pause, she told me she was taking back her ”yes”.
So yes there was a big pessimism. She moved for me in a city in Ukraine to be more ”central” in order I come more often. She sacrified her life but I did nothing in return. So she ended up in a flat in a city she didn’t know we took together that supposed to be temporary. Until now she still live there.

Yes she expects concrete actions. Of course I can’t come right now offering this option it would be too easy. I want. But very fast, she’ll want to feel I am ready and mature. Yes she wanted. Of course since this time a lot of water has passed under the bridge. And has I said she will want proves.

Sorry. Yes I want to marry her and live with her. It’s was our objective but I didn’t fulfill. As we are from 2 different countries, marriage is actually the only way in order to really live together. But I wanted to live together and she was dreaming of it. She was almost begging. It was making her suffer to stay alone in the flat. She said once she was like a widow wife.