Hello Anita

I mean it’s more related to egocentrism behavior which was some kind of attention I needed because I didn’t have enough as a child. In that way, it was unbalanced relationship. And yes overall I was more caring about myself.
So yes in that matter it’s not only about her depression but be also sure that she feel secure enough.

Yes I can’t say depression was only because of me. It was different factors. She said that later.

Yes during first part of the year problem was also because borders were closed. Now it’s better because since we are vaccinated I can go. I am planning to visit her in Ukraine. I live in France.

Which is strange is when I offered to come she made decision to go on separate ways. We were still in the break and kind of broke up already in her mind since the break. So she just realized it wouldn’t be possible  to return together or at least she said so. I believe she said something was missing at the time and some change was not enough because she also said that it was more than 7 years and she can’t anymore.
I don’t know  if she feel the break up as past last august or like now. Because if she just believe now that it’s better to go on separate ways it would be easier to convince or being physically present would make the difference easier than if she really just made the decision to break up. But in any case I think it would somehow make a different to be physically present..

So I hope when I’ll go, something will be possible and I will be able to make her better.
I also imagine that as long my coming was not imminent, she didn’t have to take a decision about that  and she kind of of postponed the decision and we continued to exchange and share.
She also may not realize that my presence and seeing my changes could possibly help her..

Hello Anita

Yes it’s true. Here too. In our case if I wouldn’t be vaccinated it wouldn’t be even possible to travel to some places – including Ukraine. And soon it will be also require to go to some places.

Yes indeed. She also said we broke up since almost one year ago.  Technically it’s a break but perhaps in her mind it’s also such as a break up. It also means I wouldn’t maybe able to be present with some signs you told me in first message such holding hands.

It’s true that our issue was also being separated for so long time without being physically present.  And the distance (that was also due to the covid) didn’t help. It even did opposite because texts probably brought some misunderstanding. But a friend told me that in my situation the distance and the break was also favorable in order to perform some of my chances I needed to do anyway.

But on the other hand since january, I witnessed positive progresses in our communication and getting closer. And few months ago if she wouldn’t have developed another depression (or a burn-out), we could have met. We were talking every day and I felt from my side it came back. After I don’t know I need to see. We were together 7 years which is long time enough to keep some feelings.
As for me, even if 1 year and a half passed since our last meeting, I can’t forget and was emotionally connected to her even by distance. I remember she loved me very much and it was also a reason why she was patient to wait for my changes and decided the break. Even if she called it later a break up.

But as you say, it will depends on the meeting in person. She was also waiting for those changes. And coming as a new person could make a difference. Until last months, she were waiting and ready to see those. And again in last messages, she spoke about changes being not enough that she couldn’t see in person.  So yes I guess it will be also up to me bring most chances.

Hello Anita

She expressed her love very much while as for me I had issues to show it. After she may have been disappointed and stepped  back in a break. You are right that depending on the feelings it can increase or decrease. I may feel more confident or less confident depending the evolution it’s true.

Yes this can make a possible evolution at the moment we will meet in person. I will have to adapt. What she’ll like to see are my changes if I became different, more attentive, supportive.. If I am secure enough for her. At the moment if the feeling is good, I could adapt my behavior and why not hold her arm or hand to support. Just being a gentleman by helping, holding doors etc.. would some attention she would appreciate for example. I need to do also according to how she feel. Being in depression could make her not open or enthusiastic also.

Yes I understand. She may also need time. It will depend how it will be in the moment. Her reactions could tell but as you say it’s not because she doesn’t smile for example that it’s doomed. But feeling and actions will be important to adapt the attitude.
I also should remain a bit distant to not appear in demand but show that I have changed and aimed my goals for myself.

Hello Anita

Yes you are right. A bit distant but without being too much. It’s also true that I need to speak about me, what I did, may changes.. independent of her because as you say she may feel guilty or pressure or anything.. It’s also not a light choice for her.
It is also in some exchange of text messages where I will initiate the conversation and offer her to come, I might also start with light messages and good memories that could make smile and light the burden.
Body languages is indeed also very important. Her voice could be weak. I remember when I called her or had her on video it was difficult and was almost always tired due to anti-depressant pills.
Yes asking so would be some attention that she needs.

I understand.I should talk less but better. It’s also not trying to prove everything but that she sees I am attentive. I would like to get interested in her, her family, her friends but she could also be tired and not handle too much.
When I’m talking, it’s also not to always prove what I did, what I changed its’s more informative and a bit distance that she sees it’s for myself too. She would be happy for me and will remember it. You are right language by smile, body is very important and could express and reassure her. Even some moment of silence with those is important.  In that view she can really feel comfortable and not feeling pressure.
Some light subjects such as humour can also help right ? I also learnt her language. I even showed her diploma by picture one week before she makes her decision and she was looking forward to speak together and meet. I think it can be a good idea to be distracted. We won’t have serious conversation because my level is still low but she will be happy. But I remember she told me once she would like I know her language to understand her culture and her family.
This would be very helpful that she feels comfortable and peaceful. And then complicity could be reinstated.

Thank you again, it’s very useful everything you told me.

Thank you Anita .

Yes I tried to learn during lockdowns and also be able to show her I did something useful. It was not one of her request but when she decided the break, I thought it would be important to show her some efforts amd it was the opportunity . I really hope she will be ok and receptive. She got by distance at least the happiness.

The challenge could be she doesn’t accept to talk and sit together as I come originally to take different things from the flat. I don’t know yet if i should offer a walk, a drink, a meal or just staying at home. It’s also an issue because regarding the situation it would be disrespectful to sleep in the flat then we wouldn’t have so much time together as I imagine she is still very busy with her work.

In end of may she got the new depression. And it came to this conclusion in beginning of july. I really don’t know how can last her condition because I also don’t know the level. It was a slow down in our communication since end of may. And beginning of july she said she believes we won’t return together. And told me what I need to continue to work on my changes. I don’t know what she meant.

Our communication was way too long by message. And now the time has come to be physically present. I will also have some stress not knowing exactly how to talk. But I have my chances even if I don’t know how much. I could really make her finally change her mind and relieved.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.
• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.

• Hello anita

I don’t know if it’s a good idea to come by surprise even if I have the keys for the flat. I think it’s better to tell her because she also needs to prepare.

Yes we would see as we are there and if she accepts.

No there is no spare room. There is just the room with the bed we bought together.  Also no couch. That’s why I don’t really know. If I ask to sleep in the flat, she could take it negatively. I was thinking taking a room just in case and see if she would finally offer me to stay at home. She would like to stay alone maybe if she is too bad. And sleeping with her even if it’s a pretty wide bed would be maybe confusing regarding the situation. Maybe later if she offers me.

• This reply was modified 3 years, 3 months ago by damien.