Depression robbed me of my 12 year relationship

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This topic has 14 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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January 23, 2018 at 7:10 pm #188413

looking4hope
Participant

First time posting a topic on here, I have found this forum to be really helpful from reading other’s responses- so here goes my question:

Background: 12year relationship has come to an end. Spent my whole 20s with the best man I could have asked for. Been recently diagnosed with depression that I had longer than I ever thought (since childhood). Didn’t realize that anger could be linked to depression but after years of seeking help and half a year of counselling and getting properly diagnosed I’m finally on medication. For once I could finally control my frustration and think clearly. Prior to this, my frustration turned to anger, sometimes emotionally and physically abusive especially towards my partner. He has been patience, forgave me, and pushed me to get the help I needed.

I always knew how I was treating him and us was selfish and unreasonable but I couldn’t stop myself. I hated myself for doing it, but at the moment of frustration, I felt justified. It was as if I couldn’t feel anything and at least feeling anger was better than nothing. Months after starting the medication, I actually noticed changes, and so did my partner. He was proud of me, but he withdrew from me and grew more depressed. Finally he announced that he was resentful, upset that how all these years I didn’t seek help and how things could have all been different.

He left, he is moving out and we are splitting our stuff. I went from seeing him and sharing my life with him everyday for the last 12yrs to not seeing him for the last 2 weeks and now he will be picking up his stuff tomorrow and leaving. He is still kind to me, but he won’t give me another chance (he has done so many times in the past) but this time I feel robbed of that second chance since I am actually trying to better myself for him. For once in my life, I can see clearly and act reasonable.

My heart is torn to pieces, I don’t know who I am without this anger. I was excited to discover myself with him as a loving and supportive partner. The initial reason to seek help is now no longer a factor in my life. I know I should do it for myself but what’s the point if I don’t get to better myself for the one person who matters the most. He said he doesn’t love me the same way he did before and that there is too much history between us to ever be together.

I expected him to leave if i didn’t get help, it would have been more justified if he left during an outburst or a fight, but no. We talked, I took ownership to my wrongs in the relationship and I felt like I was being rewarded with him leaving me….All i want for him is to be happy finally.

But I’m lost… everything hurts and I’m afraid to go back into depression even while being on medication… Seeing further counselling is not an option as its too expensive. Plus, a girl can only talk so much..

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

January 24, 2018 at 2:53 am #188495

Eliana
Participant

Hi, Looking4Hope,

I have a Doctor’s appointment to get to, but have gone through a situation similar to yours. I have struggled with major depressive disorder, BPD, and anxiety disorder most of my life. I am currently in two 12 step support groups, which have been of immense help (and are free). On medication and therapy. However, this has caused me to have a very difficult time in my romantic relationships. I strongly encourage the Anonymous 12 step support programs. I can’t post the link on here. But you can go on Google and do a search. They have face to face meetings as well as phone meetings, an hour long.

I am bumping this up, and hopefully someone will respond with ideas or suggestions. You are not alone. x

January 24, 2018 at 7:14 am #188543

looking4hope
Participant

Thank you Eliana for replying. I will try to google that information. I will still continue on to use this forum for follow ups and I do find knowing that I’m not alone is helpful

January 24, 2018 at 7:37 am #188551

Mark
Participant

looking4hope,

It is a kick in the butt to finally address the core issue that was putting strain on the relationship and to have your partner leave.

Loss of relationships are hard. It’s a grieving process.

I wish you a gentle transition to being single and being OK with yourself.

I assume you are doing things to be emotionally healthy? Ex. exercise, meditation, having a support network, journalling?

Mark

January 24, 2018 at 8:59 am #188589

CarpeDiem
Participant

I would like to follow this post…I wasn’t aware before that anger is linked with depression. I have never been formally termed depressed but I do feel really sad for last 8 months…I have always been angry since I was 19 years old….
If I cant see a therapist at the moment, I dont know if there are 12 program steps here in Italy, how can I self heal? or self treat?

Looking4hope – I am going through the same issue like yours, my ex doesn’t want to be together with me now when I really am trying super hard to be a better person. I guess we should collect whatever we have left of ourselves and work towards self improvement and towards a better future 🙂

January 25, 2018 at 3:02 am #188831

Anonymous
Guest

Dear looking4hope:

It is interesting. You wrote that following you improving your behavior toward your boyfriend, a behavior that was abusive toward him, he “noticed changes” and was “He was proud of me, but he withdrew from me and grew more depressed. Finally he announced that he was resentful, upset that how all these years I didn’t seek help and how things could have been different”-

Maybe he grew up in a home where he was treated abusively. He adapted by trying to fix his abusers, to … help them not abuse him. He was unsuccessful in changing their behavior. With you, treating him abusively, he was in a familiar setting and reacted the same, patiently, forgivingly trying to fix you, to help you not abuse him. He somewhat succeeded, eventually, but that was a new setting for him, one to which he is not adapted. Therefore the delayed anger appeared.

It is right for you to not abuse him or anyone, of course. Some people will stay forevermore in an abusive relationship because they have adapted to such, not a happy adaption, but adaption nonetheless.

What do you think?

anita

January 25, 2018 at 8:09 pm #189097

looking4hope
Participant

CarpeDiem- i did more reading regarding to depression and anger after being diagnosed with depression, some store their anger within and hate themselves, others lash out and are never satisfy with life and blame others. They feel justified in how they feel because they think they aren’t getting what they should be. That’s how I viewed life for a long time. I tried fixing my anger issues on my own, but I can get so blinded by the anger that I couldn’t think clearly. It wasn’t until I went on medication that I was able to slow down my breathing and do all the steps needed to avoid a build up of anger. I would go seek professional help and see what they have to say. Life is too short to be unhappy.

Anita- My ex partner was bullied when he was younger but came from a family who weren’t abusive physically. I think the resentment is from allowing himself to be bullied again from the person who is suppose to love him (me).

I treated him the way my parents treated me, I can now forgive my parents finally since I have been on the medication and can think logically. I didn’t want to blame them but it was what i grew up with. It seems silly, but finally I can take all my experiences and let go of the bad and focus on who I want to be out of all of this.

I just feel so lonely, like I’m facing this all by myself.

Mark- I am continuing my normal routine as hard as it is. It has gotten me through 3 weeks since our separation but yet it still feels like it just happened yesterday. I go about my days because I have to, but i don’t feel like i’m actually present. Working out is my normal routine and it has helped me clear my mind when all i want to do is cry my soul out.

Thank you for everyone’s support

January 25, 2018 at 8:22 pm #189103

Mark
Participant

looking4hope,

Good for you for taking care of yourself, your self-awareness about your condition and behavior, your thoughtful view about how you got your behaviors from and for your ex-partner’s history and how it affected him. I am quite impressed.

I am sorry for your pain. Time is a healer pus being able to learn and look forward will help.

I am a believer in feeling into those uncomfortable and painful feelings rather than push them away in order to get through such things better so feel OK to actually cry with no judgment.

I seek out close friend support whenever I struggle with certain things. It is better not to feel alone. I recommend that. Sometimes all you need is a long, close hug and/or someone just to hold your hand and listen to you without saying anything.

Take care,

Mark

January 25, 2018 at 9:41 pm #189121

looking4hope
Participant

Mark- thank you for your kind words. I would do anything not to feel the pain, i wish i didn’t care, i almost wished that i didn’t see as clearly as i do now- b/c it would almost make it easier. I’m afraid if I allow myself to feel the pain, go through it that it would take over and i’ll be unable to carry on my life and it will just freeze in time while the rest of the world moves on.

All i want is just a hug and a hand hold, but honestly I can’t ask for that every time i feel lonely or sad. I don’t want to be a burden, everyone has problems. From all my years of being selfish, I don’t want to be that anymore. I spent so many years looking after myself that I neglected and took for granted the ones that meant everything to me.

Talking on here anonymously has greatly helped me expressed my sadness and having the support of so many ppl around the world and knowing that I’m not alone does give me a sense of hope.

Going through the topics on here, made me realize how much the rest of the world and I have in common. Being an only child, I never got an inside look at how others thought processes work. I can only hope someone else will be able to find some sense of comfort in my experience as well.

January 26, 2018 at 6:19 am #189139

Mark
Participant

looking4hope,

If a friend asks me for a hug and hand hold, I’d be tickled and honored to give that. I would benefit from the human touch. Studies have shown that it helps physical as well as psychological health. There is a saying by Virginia Satir, a respected family therapist, “We need four hugs a day for survival. We need eight hugs a day for maintenance. We need twelve hugs a day for growth.” Plus there are so many people who want to help if asked

I would feel burdened if someone comes to me time and again with the same problem, complains, and does not do anything about it. However I don’t have people in my life like that. You are not a person who does that. I encourage you to seek out people who are open to being asked for a hug and hand hold.

I can understand that you don’t want to go back to your old self but you need not swing the pendulum all the way the opposite way either.

Hugs to you looking4hope,

Mark

January 26, 2018 at 6:52 pm #189259

looking4hope
Participant

Looking back at my relationship and seeing all the mistakes, its like pulling at a wound. I know its not doing me any good, but it’s also the only way I can still feel him. Its like having the pain there is better than losing him forever.

Thank you Mark for your kind words.

January 26, 2018 at 7:37 pm #189263

Mark
Participant

I am sorry for your pain looking4hope. I see pain as a way of reminding me that I am feeling and that I am still alive. I have coped in life by not feeling.

Let me/us know how else we can help and support you.

Hugs,
Mark

January 26, 2018 at 8:07 pm #189267

Cara
Participant

Hi Dear,
I’m sorry for your pain–continue on for yourself! YOU are a great reason to continue on this journey, be kind to yourself.
Can I share something that helped with some of my previous struggles?
The book Things Are Going Great In My Absence by Lola Jones helped me to leave my struggling and suffering behind and get relief. It wasn’t hard, it was easy…I can now make better and more deliberate choices and create more effectively for my life, I’m happy and free now.
I see that you have been searching and seeking help for sometime and I urge you to try Lola’s book. Lola taught me that there’s no need to constantly seek and “work on myself”. I really just wanted to share because this book has helped me so much. I’m a new person now with a whole new life and I owe it all to this book. Please check it out, and I hope it helps you like it helped me!

Sending so much love and ease, Cara

January 27, 2018 at 3:24 am #189287

looking4hope
Participant

I just can’t believe the person who I can count on and rely on is no longer apart of my life. I try to give him space, maybe with time a part I can show him that I have changed. That hole in my heart filling just keeps growing when I stop pushing forward and I just feel so empty. Just remembering all the good in us and in him hurts so much, how I had it all and I lost it all. I don’t think I want to feel if this is what it means…

Thank you Mark again, not sure that anyone can do much more. The pain I feel can only be lifted by myself if I allow it.

Thank you Cara for the book suggestion.

January 27, 2018 at 4:40 am #189291

Anonymous
Guest

Dear looking4hope:

The name you use: looking for hope. There is hope on the other side of your pain, of that emptiness you feel.

Like a dark cloud blocking the sun, it will not stay there forever. Someday it will move on and the sun will peak through.

And you will take what you learned, and practice it in all your relationships, treat others respectfully, not abusively. This learning is promising, promising of a better future.

anita
Author

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