Hi bellpepper,

People should be so lucky to have someone go back and check if they’re doing alright. The fact that they’re not used to it makes it awkward. Well, let it be awkward. For THEM. Don’t feel bad about giving a rat’s azz.

Best,

Inky

Dear bellpepper:

You are welcome. I have the following thoughts and suggestions based on what you shared:

1. “why am I so screwed? Why can’t I be like the normal people?… I feel so stupid… my dumb brain is wired to be like this… I am such a baby”- I used to think of myself similarly and the first things I would tell my younger self and therefore I tell you: treat yourself respectfully even when you don’t feel like it. Treating yourself respectfully includes what you say to yourself (and to others) about yourself. Instead of saying you are “so screwed” you can say: I am having trouble with this or that, I am feeling uncomfortable. Instead of saying you are stupid and dumb, say something like: I don’t know how to solve this problem.

* Regarding “normal people”- I used to feel very abnormal and believed everyone else was normal. What a surprise it was for me when I finally found myself.. normal and without a whole lot of company: mental health is not very common.

* Regarding being “such a baby”, I wonder who told you that when you were a child? (Answer only if you want to).

2. “I get into awkward situations and then can’t let go. I go back to check if the person is doing alright which causes misunderstandings.. I make them feel so awkward”. You gave an example: You pm’ed a man on social media for some guidance, he talked freely to you, shared his profile. You “kind of acted cautious” and when he cracked a joke or two, you “acted anxious”. Next you “felt so bad” about having acted cautious and anxious. Next you messaged him again and said you are sorry.

My comments:

-there is  nothing wrong with acting cautious or anxious- it is not a sin of any kind, it is not a wrongdoing for which you need to apologize.

-Everyone acts cautious and anxious at times, every single person. You are not  abnormal.

-Even if you acted more cautious and more anxious than most people, you need to be treated with empathy, by yourself and by others, not with judgment and condemnation.

-As you know (and I know) it doesn’t feel comfortable, feeling anxious. But when you feel badly about feeling anxious, you add a bad feeling on top of the anxious feeling and that feels. .. worse. If you felt anxious without judging yourself negatively for feeling anxious, you will feel better, not as bad.

– Often, in reality, a person should be cautious when interacting with other people. Not all people have good intentions and most people are not paying close attention to not hurt you, so better pay attention and be somewhat cautious when getting hurt is a possibility.

-You  wrote that after you sent him the apology, he thinks that you developed feelings for him. I don’t know if he told you so, or indicated to you that this is what he thinks or you are assuming it. If you want, let me know, perhaps copy a part of his message to you that indicates that he thinks this way.

“I am so scared he may misunderstand if I msg him again”- if you want, I can help you figure out what, if anything, he already misunderstood and how to proceed (regarding more questions that you have) by copying and pasting for me part of his messages to you that you think are relevant, not including, of course, any identifiable information such as names, places and so forth.

I hope to read from you again and when I do, I will reply further.

anita

Dear bellpepper:

Seems to me that you want some type of closure regarding this most recent awkwardness experience as quickly as possible, so to get it out of the way and feel immediate relief. Am I correct?

I don’t have any advice on how to get closure because I don’t have the information I asked for in my recent post to you.

Problem is, let’s say you get some type of closure- it will provide you with only a temporary relief, not a long-term relief, and soon enough there will be another awkwardness with someone else. Better take advantage of this opportunity and learn something from it, so that you function better in the near and far future.

If you are interested in functioning better, do read my earlier post to you, take your time and reply to my suggestions there.

anita