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Decisions…again – so indecisive about life choices !

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  • #41169
    Barbara
    Participant

    Hi all
    I posted a thread a few weeks ago ‘Decisions’ was the name the thread. (Matt gave me some wonderful advice)

    I was basically outlining how I was finding it hard to come to a decision about my partner / boyfriend. He moved out, as we came to a point where we thought it best to step back and see where we were at from a neutral viewpoint.

    However, we missed eachother, and despite some hesitation, arguments, one blow up, and many debates, we moved back in together – as we were getting on well after the dust settled, and enjoying eachothers company again – more relaxed.

    Here is the tough part – we still abviously have the same differences, of course – he is a chef, always on the go – even when he is off work, he loves to visit friends, does not like to sit still too long, he drinks a good bit, in his down time to let his hair down after the crazy hours, he smokes weed (one or 2 per night to ‘switch off) Whereas me – im a teacher, into yoga, trying to bring mindfulness into my life. I am a worrier, and I like things predictable to an extent – which he never is, and his career certainly isnt. For example, last Friday he lost his job totally out of the blue. (he will get another one quickly as he is a tallented chef in fine dining – think masterchef the professionals ! ) As I say – i am much more calm in my lifestyle – my friends are married and settled. His are single, (there is a 6 year age gap ) like to hang out in their houses watching football having a few beers or ten! My life and his life is so different in lots of ways.

    So we decided we missed eachother, after several meet ups and dates – we truly did, and we love eachother, so we decided its important to be together. He said we should look to the future – children, marriage etc, if we can let things settle and get on with eachother, and be harmonious. Problem is I find it quite hard living with him day to day. I find him erratic, and he laso has the evening routein of heading out to the patio for a splif – which irks me to bits, still.

    Last night, something small happened, but it was big to me – I found a yoga post card, which I always keep on the mantlepiece, as I love the pictures of nature on it. He had taken it and cut off a bit of it and used it as ‘roach paper’ to put in his joint. I lost the plot, I said thats so disrespectful – how could he dare take it off the mantlepiece and cut it up – it means a lot to me !! Sounds so OTT on my part – but it really got to me, as I got that card in my mindfulness centre, and I love to look at it. I felt so angry and I wanted to throttle him !! It was as if that symbolised a lack of respect to me. He appologised, and said he really couldnt remember taking it off the mantlepiece, and that he may have done it when we came in after a night out, without thinking. I was still really angry, and im still annoyed !!

    He is gone on a fishing trip to Spain for a week now – and I know my icky and horrible co- dependency will raise his head. I will be missing him, wondering what he is doing, I will get anxious, and I will be wondering who he is talking to etc…but Im busy – I have to get back to work, so I havent got time for my co- dependency ! Since he moved back in I notice the co-dependency has come back – I noticed he bought a newspaper I hate (we call them ‘red tops’ here in ireland – half naked pop stars all over them – but he loves the sports section – and he says its due to the fact that the premier league has started again – a certain sports writer has all the info etc ) It gets me wound up… I can feel the anger and jealousy – horrible annoyance and jealousy. I also hate when he stays up later than me – as I wonder what he is doing, I dont like that he smokes.

    I know I sound like a control freak – and I am really. But then I think maybe another guy wouldnt push my buttons – someone more aligned. Or would everybody be hard to live with for me ? If I was with a doctor, Id worry about the nurses, if he worked in an office, Id probably worry about all the opportunities he could have. If he was a gym kind of guy – im sure Id find a worry there too. But I wonder is also it that I sense his erratic, spirited self – that I feel that he is more spontaneous than me. He is more likely to do things on a whim than I am. And I think this scares me ! Maybe I should be with someone quieter, more sedate – and maybe then my buttons would stay quiet !

    And yet, I love him, I know Ill miss him this week – and by the time he gets back Ill probably be so looking forward to seeing him. He makes me laugh, we love eating out, travelling (although we dont get to travel much with his job), hanging out watching movies etc, and he is very affectionate to him, as am I to him. I just worry about our compatibility, and yet I never seem to want to let him go either.

    Its just hard to make a decision and stick to it. To choose him and stick to it, without wanting to change anything, and just let it be. Withiout asking of him, or trying to tweak him ! I want freedom from this wondering, this analysing.

    With warm wishes
    Barbs.

    #41173
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbs,

    Intimacy always requires diligence and mindfulness. When we want to increase our muscle strength, we lift weights. As the muscles get stronger, we add weights to put more resistance, which helps the strength gain. Relationships are the same. As we become more aware, our relationships become deeper, more motivating. It sounds as though he provides a great opportunity to help you build inner peace.

    For instance, the pretty card became a symbol of your happiness, and as he tore a corner off of it, presented you a challenge. Let go of the attachment to the picture, and keep your inner peace blooming, or grasp onto it and feel aggressive and invaded. It reminds me of a story about a monk.

    Monks do not have much in the way of material possessions. This monk only had a bowl. But he loved that bowl, and it became a symbol of his connection to the world. He would gingerly wash it, hold it, and at night would place it under the pillow in his room to protect it from being taken. One day he was walking, and the bowl slipped from his fingers, struck a rock on the ground, and split in half. In that moment he became enlightened.

    We erode and break attachments along the path. That being said, relationships don’t have to be an endurance trial. His picture tearing was thoughtless. So, its really up to you. If you love him and like him enough that its worth sticking it out, use the opportunities he presents to let go of the bowl and grow. If you don’t enjoy your intimacy with him enough, perhaps he is the bowl.

    Remember that inner peace happens independent of the external circumstances, but that is balanced by a peaceful environment being very helpful in becoming mindful. One of my teachers said that a mindful life is like an extreme sport. 🙂

    With warmth,
    Matt

    #41181
    Barbara
    Participant

    Thanks so much for your wisdom Matt. You are so insightfull.

    Yes this is the thing I am grappling with – the fact that though I am trying to be mindfull, Im cultivating inner peace, I feel the relationship throws me off balance – or that he does possibly. I might have everything at peace, feeling good, and feeling all is well, but I get floored ! I have a house, job, family (compicated mother situation, but I have learned to keep healthy distance) And yet a harmonioius relationship eludes me. Yes to be attatched to a card is pointless, but I think it was exactly that – just the thoughtlessness that I saw, that I find hard to put my finger on with him.

    His thoughtlessness can sometimes make daily life hard. I am a teacher, so I must got to bed earlyish, but rarely will he come to bed with me to share that time together – he wants to do things his way. I often think that he takes and crosses my boundaries – he will ask me to drive when I am tired (he has no licence yet ) and when I say no, he will plead and I give in. Its like we are on the sea in two seperate boats – and no matter how I try to get him to see that a relationship requires a bit of mindful attention, he seems to just carry on as normal. Even when he sees my mindfulness changing me and helping me grow, he gives me no encouragement. He is full of the bussiness of his job, friends, and on his days off he is busy getting things done, catching up on things. Its kind of like a mouse on a treadmill living with a chef. But I dont think all chefs are the same ! This is how he deals with things.

    He phoned me today from Spain, on his fishing trip holiday – the first day of the holiday, pissed : drunk as a skunk ! (im not saying I dont get drunk / tipsy, but this was slurred words drunk !) And then asked me was I just up out of bed ! Its 16.00 here – so he clearly hadnt even a clue what time it was. Leaving me then with worries – such as – will he fall into the river ? Can I trust him in that state ? Will his friends look after him if he is that way ? But Ive decided to take my attention off it – as he is a grown 30 year old man. But it will forever be this way – as I cant see him change.

    He says he wants kids, family, career success (which im sure he will achieve as he is career driven) But that all seems abstract to me when I have nothing to hold on to. Its hard to explain – it’s just a feeling of him not being on solid ground – his roots are not strong or something. I havent got a sense of feeling safe. Sould I expect that ? Is it ok for me to want that feeling of safety with a man ? I want someone who is solid ! Maybe its too much to ask.

    And if we leave a person, when do we know to jump ship ? And how to do it ? How do we do that act of saying goodbye for good ? I feel if I let him go, even though my gut says Im not fully happy here, I might regret it, as In his words he says he wants family life – but the actions are still boyish at times, and dont seem to reconcile with that goal of family.

    Again the phone call from Spain said -” I dont give a shit that you might worry, I dont care that Im pissed drunk. ” ”Ive checked in with you now, so thats grand, on I go ”. This kind of stuff does feel like an endurance trial, one long compromise and sacrifice.

    I still have my inner peace here – I got ready to go back to work, cleaned the house, got my teacher supplies ready, and Im going out for a meal with my parents. But things are tinged with a tiny bit of anxiety and sadness. I dont think Im able for him, and his life and his job – I see friends going on walks with their husband, holidays, and just relaxing at weekends. Instead I see him for a few hours in the night time. It’s a lot for anyoune to handle, just the chef job, never mind the other things.

    I guess I have to dig seep here and see can I do this, can I see it working, in say 5 yrs time ? He will be working 70 hours a week till he is 45. Can I do it ?? I think I could if he would show care and gentleness, but thats not realy him!

    Back to my meditation this evening I think 🙂

    Many warm wishes,
    Barbs.

    #41186
    Matt
    Participant

    Barbs,

    Bravo! Your wisdom and patient consideration is really shining. You ask great questions, and of course you are the only one that can answer them, but you know that. On of my teachers said that just follow your desires, but mindfully. Someone who smokes mindfully will quit. Someone who chases sex mindfully will stop. As we become more attuned to who we are, how our body rests, how our mind reacts and responds, the negative falls away naturally.

    Another of my teachers said that intimacy is difficult, but has the best chance of surviving when people are seeing the same essential things. More than looking clearly at one another, are they looking in the same direction? As time goes on, as your mindfulness increases, it will become clearer and clearer. No need to rush it, because it could be the attachment to the card, or it could be man isn’t compatible. Its great that you’re not trying to mold him, and simply asking yourself “is this the person I want to share the rest of this life with?”

    The more self nurturing you become, the more stable, the easier it will be. Do his patterns challenge and supplement your joy, helping you become wise? Or are you sitting more and more as a stranger, unseen and unheard as he bounces from one moment to the next? What kind of words do you want there to be on the pages of your memoirs? This is the life of Barb, and you can write it however you want. The only thing that isn’t fair is to try to bend others to meet our desires… that just never works out. Free will, both respecting and expressing, is too integral to our joy.

    Namaste,
    Matt

    #41211
    Barbara
    Participant

    Matt, thank you so much, for your time and consideration, as always 🙂

    Yes – wow, that is all so true. As long as I keep on my path of awareness and self development, along with mindfulness, I believe I will see things more clearly.

    As you say – becoming attuned to who we are is key in making the right decisions for us.

    Funny enough, he called me at least 5 times today from spain (the drunkness seems to have worn off with a bit of soakage of spanish tapas and coffee and their famous churros ! ) He sent me pictures of the river and the village, and said he went on a long walk and was surrounded by kittens and cats – I was so happy to hear that he was surrounded by the natural beauty and not just rushing around, as that is good for us all.

    He has a good heart, as do many and most – Its just that we all want the path to joy, and I just want to be joyfull and at one , as mucha as possible with my intimate partner. I hope that can be with him, but we shall see as time passes.

    I guess time will tell, and the best thing for me to do is keep on my track, on my path – and keep from trying to mould him ! Just let it be, and all will unfold as it will anyway !

    Thanks Matt
    Blessings,
    Namaste,

    Barbs.

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