Thanks so much for your wisdom Matt. You are so insightfull.

Yes this is the thing I am grappling with – the fact that though I am trying to be mindfull, Im cultivating inner peace, I feel the relationship throws me off balance – or that he does possibly. I might have everything at peace, feeling good, and feeling all is well, but I get floored ! I have a house, job, family (compicated mother situation, but I have learned to keep healthy distance) And yet a harmonioius relationship eludes me. Yes to be attatched to a card is pointless, but I think it was exactly that – just the thoughtlessness that I saw, that I find hard to put my finger on with him.

His thoughtlessness can sometimes make daily life hard. I am a teacher, so I must got to bed earlyish, but rarely will he come to bed with me to share that time together – he wants to do things his way. I often think that he takes and crosses my boundaries – he will ask me to drive when I am tired (he has no licence yet ) and when I say no, he will plead and I give in. Its like we are on the sea in two seperate boats – and no matter how I try to get him to see that a relationship requires a bit of mindful attention, he seems to just carry on as normal. Even when he sees my mindfulness changing me and helping me grow, he gives me no encouragement. He is full of the bussiness of his job, friends, and on his days off he is busy getting things done, catching up on things. Its kind of like a mouse on a treadmill living with a chef. But I dont think all chefs are the same ! This is how he deals with things.

He phoned me today from Spain, on his fishing trip holiday – the first day of the holiday, pissed : drunk as a skunk ! (im not saying I dont get drunk / tipsy, but this was slurred words drunk !) And then asked me was I just up out of bed ! Its 16.00 here – so he clearly hadnt even a clue what time it was. Leaving me then with worries – such as – will he fall into the river ? Can I trust him in that state ? Will his friends look after him if he is that way ? But Ive decided to take my attention off it – as he is a grown 30 year old man. But it will forever be this way – as I cant see him change.

He says he wants kids, family, career success (which im sure he will achieve as he is career driven) But that all seems abstract to me when I have nothing to hold on to. Its hard to explain – it’s just a feeling of him not being on solid ground – his roots are not strong or something. I havent got a sense of feeling safe. Sould I expect that ? Is it ok for me to want that feeling of safety with a man ? I want someone who is solid ! Maybe its too much to ask.

And if we leave a person, when do we know to jump ship ? And how to do it ? How do we do that act of saying goodbye for good ? I feel if I let him go, even though my gut says Im not fully happy here, I might regret it, as In his words he says he wants family life – but the actions are still boyish at times, and dont seem to reconcile with that goal of family.

Again the phone call from Spain said -” I dont give a shit that you might worry, I dont care that Im pissed drunk. ” ”Ive checked in with you now, so thats grand, on I go ”. This kind of stuff does feel like an endurance trial, one long compromise and sacrifice.

I still have my inner peace here – I got ready to go back to work, cleaned the house, got my teacher supplies ready, and Im going out for a meal with my parents. But things are tinged with a tiny bit of anxiety and sadness. I dont think Im able for him, and his life and his job – I see friends going on walks with their husband, holidays, and just relaxing at weekends. Instead I see him for a few hours in the night time. It’s a lot for anyoune to handle, just the chef job, never mind the other things.

I guess I have to dig seep here and see can I do this, can I see it working, in say 5 yrs time ? He will be working 70 hours a week till he is 45. Can I do it ?? I think I could if he would show care and gentleness, but thats not realy him!

Back to my meditation this evening I think 🙂

Many warm wishes,
Barbs.

Matt, thank you so much, for your time and consideration, as always 🙂

Yes – wow, that is all so true. As long as I keep on my path of awareness and self development, along with mindfulness, I believe I will see things more clearly.

As you say – becoming attuned to who we are is key in making the right decisions for us.

Funny enough, he called me at least 5 times today from spain (the drunkness seems to have worn off with a bit of soakage of spanish tapas and coffee and their famous churros ! ) He sent me pictures of the river and the village, and said he went on a long walk and was surrounded by kittens and cats – I was so happy to hear that he was surrounded by the natural beauty and not just rushing around, as that is good for us all.

He has a good heart, as do many and most – Its just that we all want the path to joy, and I just want to be joyfull and at one , as mucha as possible with my intimate partner. I hope that can be with him, but we shall see as time passes.

I guess time will tell, and the best thing for me to do is keep on my track, on my path – and keep from trying to mould him ! Just let it be, and all will unfold as it will anyway !

Thanks Matt
Blessings,
Namaste,

Barbs.