Barbs,

I’m sorry for the painfulness, and admire your courage at looking so directly at your pieces. I noticed a remarkable change from your previous posts, in that you really are looking at it from your side, and trying to find a path you enjoy. What came to heart as I read your words is an intertwining of three components. Your love, your desires, and the intimacy the two of you share.

Perhaps you have looked deeply enough that you can see there is almost no intimacy between you two. You have love for him, and that love perhaps tries to ignore how little you actually get back from him. As though the feelings of warmth inside your chest somehow make up for the fact that he is cold and distant.

The way you painted it in your post, it doesn’t seem like you’re just an insecure person… rather you feel insecure in the love that you share, perhaps because you wisely know that his investment is next to nothing. You deserve an intimacy where your partner comes to the plate and makes an investment. For instance, my wife and I both feel insecure sometimes, and rather than throwing it in each other’s face, we soothe. There is always an unsettled feeling that can arise in the most stable intimacies when conditions of change present themselves.

That being said, it seems to me as though you’ve gone through a lot of growth, and now instead of stressing over him not changing to fit your plan, you’re seeing how his actions don’t promote intimacy. It brings a vision of you two in a boat, and you’re bailing water and patching holes frantically, while he is drilling holes, blaming you for the sinking and then the coup d’état, making fun of you for being tired.

If you examine your fears over what the breakup will mean, it seems like a mix of grief and addiction. Replace “breaking up with him” with “quitting smoking” and its a remarkable match. As scary as it might be, if the tower is burning, we jump. To stay only delays the inevitable, makes jumping that much harder. Namaste, I hope you find peace and light. Oh, and perhaps ask yourself… if you were seeing signs of genuine intimacy (sleeping together, warm affection, honoring each other feelings) do you think you’d feel as insecure? Said differently, maybe the reason you feel insecure is because you’re not safe?

With warmth,
Matt

Barbara,

It sounds like I could have written this post myself based on your feelings and insecurities. I’m the exact same way and treat my new husband the same way. I’m also asking who he is texting, or who is calling, etc. Is it because I don’t fully trust him?? Probably but I think it’s also because I’m afraid to trust. I’m afraid to be happy. I’m afraid to let him in. I’ve been hurt and let down so much in the past that if I let him in, if I let him get close to my heart, he’ll break it like everyone else has. As soon as we start getting happy, I find a way to start a fight and sabotage what we have going.

We have only been married 2 months tomorrow but sometimes it feels like a lifetime already. 🙁 But he has vowed to help me through my troubled past (read the “Letting Go” thread for that detail. I’m just hoping he means it.

If you ever need to talk just let me know…I can always use someone that thinks like me to bounce ideas off of.

Things will improve (at least that’s what I keep telling myself.)

Deanna