Hi everybody,

Just at a crossroads at the moment, (still ) and have been for ages – and have been procrastinating being ready and able, and willing, to let go of a person who I love. It seems we just don’t see eye to eye, we don’t seem to fit in a loving and aligned way.

Basically it seems that every time myself and my partner try to make it work, we just cant do it. We both have our negatives on each of our sides, our own ”stuff” so to speak :

Me – im from a Catholic, firm background, quite controlling house as a child – I seem to carry these traits on although I work hard to get past them. I can be insecure, needy, and I love being with my partner to the point of overkill at times. My Mother was emotionally unavailable and I guess I have been working through the insecurities for years really. I tend to like to know whats going on so that I feel safe, and I like a certain bit of predictability. I find it hard to be around people who are impulsive, and yet I seem to gravitate to them . It is hard for me to figure out whether our lack of alignment exacerbates my neediness, due to his patterns etc. If I was with someone more quiet, reserved, would I be less inclined to get insecure? Would someone who works less and has more time for me lessen my feelings of loneliness? Or is that just my problem !

Him – he relies on weed to unwind every night, Never ever (maybe once every few months) comes to bed with me at night, stays up unwinding, he works very long hours and his job demands so much, he likes to drink a bit, and he can be aggressive at times, in the way he takes or reacts to my insecurity. He verbally shouts and name calls. I find it lonely to go to bed on my own every night. He sees my insecurity as ‘a disgrace’ He tells me he feels due to my questioning, and my insecure ways, that I will never change. I wont deny that questioning someone is not ok, but sometimes my need for reassurance gets me, and I ask him things to feel like all is ok again. He was adopted, and he grew up in a very tough area of town – whereas my background is the opposite, and my parents are quite conservative.

I like to read, go for walks, look at nature, I see the beauty in animals to the point it makes me cry ! I like the purity of life, I like to meditate, I like to do art, watch theater etc, I teach kids and I love their simplicity, their laughter. Whereas my partner has very different interests and a totally opposite career as a chef. He often just likes to meet the guys for beers and watch football, or go fishing – nothing wrong with that – but wouldnt it be great to share things together, go to bed at the same time the odd time, feel the closeness. He is restless, and this sense of restlessness is a big part of life. If we have dinner, often he will then be off to see someone, or off to do something, always on the go – whereas I am more likely to want to watch a movie together, or just chill out, go for a walk etc.

I think at the moment the night routine has the most impact on me – I am sick of going to bed alone, and him waking me at 2 am, after trying to get to sleep. Im tired of the stress, the up and down job, the sense that we both need something more, something different.

If Im honest im afraid of letting him go – and that he will go and meet a girl who is more tolerant, more able to handle it. For so long Ive said – ”l can keep trying”, but the years and months are passing, and what will it take me to wake up and realise that if it dosent fit, and we cant meet eachothers needs then we should let go. I am afraid that nobody will ever want me – a girl who has insecurities, is a worrier. He is a good listener, and Im afraid ill never meet anyone who understands me.
Im just lacking the courage to cut the chord.

Tonight he said we should have split up last time, that he is almost done – so maybe I should hear his ”im done”, and let him go, instead of sweeping all of this under the carpet. I feel there must be better to come, but how do I know that, maybe there isnt ! In therapy I was told we have to work on relationships, and she told me I will always find intimacy hard due to my childhood. But how much is my stuff, and how much is just the relationship and him.

I have been self nurturing as much as I can, but his night patterns have me tired, and Im teaching kids and I need to sleep ! Thank God for meditation, as it keeps me steady, and my job. But I have kind of felt isolated, and I did think of going to the doctor to get a calming tablet or something, as it gets hard sometimes. I have one really good friend and we go out and have fun together, so thank god for her, as most of my friends are married and are busy.

Perhaps I have to leap and just do it. Whats meant won’t pass you, as the Irish say ! If you love someone let them go – and I do love him, but I feel we just dont fit. Ive tried for so long to fit into it, and he has too, but it seems impossible. The word alignment keeps coming to me. And that fact that I have always chosen men who arent really a good fit for me, but I rush in headlong like a bull in a china shop.

Perhaps its time admit defeat. I just dread the pain, the absence, the longing, the cravings, the sick stomach. Procrastinating is what im doing really I think, but I wouldnt wish it on anyone to have to let go. Its just so hard to really let a person go from your life, when you know they are a good person, but they just have their own path, their own ways, and you just cant seem to meet in the middle.

Warmth and Kind Regards,
Barbs.