Home→Forums→Share Your Truth→Dealing with my addictions and demons
- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by
innerlight.
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August 17, 2016 at 6:03 am #112645
C HatParticipantHi
As long as I can remember I have always struggled with some form of addiction, from a very young age I could not get over porn and this is something that has been with me till this very day. As time went by and I grew older I found other ways to help me cope with life and the things that I had buried in the back of my mind. I started using a lot of hardcore drugs and alcohol as I found that while on it my life was picture perfect. Which I knew it wasn’t. Through all this I still used porn and it just got worse and worse. No matter who I dated or what they looked like I would always turn to it to feel “satisfied” and “whole” little did I know how much damage I was doing to myself.
In feb this year I got married to such an amazing women who really gave me a sense of belonging. Never had I ever felt so close and never have I been so open with anyone in my life before. Although having said that I never told her how bad my addiction where as I was scared it would scare her off and I would loose her. Recently I felt a lot of stress and like everything i tried to make my life better was not working, and i slipped and fell back into my old porn habits. Which almost ruined my marriage.
So I came clean with her about it all, and man was that the best thing that could have happened. She pushed me to find counseling so I could start dealing and handling my problems better. And she has been the most amazing support and is standing behind me through all of this.
So my therapy started and I felt as if I was making good progress to getting to the root cause of all my addictions. I had recalled a conversation I had with my brother where he told me he was sexually abused as a child, and I got this sickening feeling that I had been through the same. So I did one of the hardest thing I have ever done and made a call to my brother regarding our conversation. I had asked he if there was anyone else in the family that he think the abuse could have happened to and his answer shook my world and all I could feel was hatred and anger. He had told me that he knew that it had happened to me as well but he didn’t want to tell me before cause he wanted to protect me from the hurt, pain and betrayal that he had faced and was going through. It has now been 3 weeks since I have found this all out and it’s like my brain has unlocked the vault doors I had so tightly sealed as a child.
The dreams I have been having have led to many sleepless night but have helped me to deal with things better as I know now that I turned to all the things I was addicted to, to try hide and lock my thoughts away. I have clear memories now or the person who abused me introducing me into the world of porn and the young age of 5. And I do hate him for what he has down and what it caused in my life. And at the same time I feel pity for him and I wonder why he would do such a thing. Did something similar happen to him as a child or what led him to do these things are questions that keep popping into my mind.
I feel speaking and writing about all of this helps so much and I know my journey to recovery has just begun. But one thing I know for certain is that I will overcome this and I will be stronger and more in control of my life than ever before.
August 17, 2016 at 8:47 am #112651
AnonymousGuestDear clinthat:
The person who sexually abused you when you were five- was that a parent? Another sibling… uncle? The position that person had in your life is very important to what affect it had on you and in trying to understand more about what happened.
Regarding trying to understand the motivation of an adult who sexually or otherwise abuses a five year old:
It is most often, if not always, that an abusive adult was abused as a child. Abuse is very common and it often enough, unfortunately leads to abuse. But the person doing the abuse is not a passive vehicle of abuse, an innocent party automatically passing on the abuse to the next generation. There is some personal responsibility there.
So as much as you may find out about the abuser’s abuse, you will get again and again to this point: how could he/ she looked into the innocent face of a five year old, a five year old looking up to that adult with love and trust and complete vulnerability, and then proceed to betray that trust, to shatter that little heart, to inflict such massive suffering on that little boy or girl that he/she may never recover or if taking on healing and recovery, it would take years. How could the abuser do that?
Especially if done repeatedly and with no effort since to help if only a bit in healing the injury caused?
How could the abuser keep living without confessing, coming clean, offering to do anything possible to correct?
Please do post again with your thoughts/ feelings… and congratulations for taking on healing. Your relationship with your supportive wife is the most valuable thing you have and need to continue and persist in your healing- treat her well, take care of the relationship with her.
anita
August 17, 2016 at 11:05 pm #112728C HatParticipantIt was a family member, not my parents at all.
I am finding it a huge relief to get all this out and find that it is helping a lot with my road to recovery. Since I discovered all this and the root cause to my addictions it is like they have fallen away and have no hold on me anymore. I am proud to say that I have been clean of drugs for over 2 years now and have not found the need to relapse at all. As for the porn addiction it has been over a year that I have watched porn and a good few months that I have looked at any form of porn or pictures of naked women. As I said since the root cause to all of this has been exposed it is as if all my other demons have just fallen away and no longer bother me or have a hold on my life.
My wife has been so amazing and supportive through all of this and has been my support and rock for when I am feeling down. I know it has not been easy on her but we have found that communication is the key to getting past all this. It like a new breath of life has been blown into our marriage. And we feel stronger than ever before.
August 18, 2016 at 7:57 am #112747AnonymousGuestDear clinthat:
Congratulations for two years drug abstinence and your abstinence from any porn material. It is a testimony to your loving relationship with your wife, the “home base” of your healing. And it is a testimony to your ability and willingness to heal.
Healing needs to continue. There is no “happily ever after” existence, no such thing. So keep at it, relax, rest, and keep healing.
anita
September 10, 2016 at 6:36 pm #114868Hi beautiful person comgrats your recovery journey is starting agreed lets get exciting for how much you grow, its ok you have or had addictions what matters is this doesnt define the beautiful unique person you are. Your wife loves u unconditionally and will love u the fact u geting help and wjlling to try and learn says alot about you. Keep staying positive focus on being happy and day by day accomplismnets and babysteps. Change doesnt happen adap but it will stop i promide, just accept this is happening and that its ok to make mistakeks youll end up ok, youre a grrat person ure never alone you are loved u are amazing and youll be ok, u can alsonuse these experiences to help others struggling with addiction to porm or other things, theres always a silver lining, u can be happy anytime and create it, happy people dont focus on what goes wrong but how thry can learn and to fight that they deserve to feel good just focus on what is good healthy and gives u joy in life like your wife food or etc, itll be ok woo KEEP UP YOUR AAMZING RECOVERING ITS WORTH IT WE ARE SO PROID OF YOU Love Leni ♡Livelovelifeleni Positivity&Motivation ♡
October 5, 2016 at 2:10 pm #117286
innerlightParticipantHi C Hat,
I have also struggled with a hardcore drug and pornography addiction spanning over 20 years after being introduced to both in my early teens. Your post has allowed me to finally be able to talk about it.
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