Hi all.

Last time I was in this forum, I was going through a devastating break up, that ultimately shook me up and led to years of working on myself and growing more independent and strong and loving toward myself.

Looking back, it’s been a great journey and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’ve now recently met a new person who I am dating – this is the first serious relationship since my ex around 4 years ago. After my ex I wasn’t interested in dating, then I started learning about what I don’t want in a partner, and with a lot more time and acceptance, I figured out what I want. I had this image of someone who is open about what he think, who isn’t interested in games or power struggles, and who makes me smile often. I’ve been so feeling so blessed, because my new partner seems to tick all those boxes, and it’s been a really amazing process of getting to know each other and communicating and taking “baby steps” as I call them.

The thing I am struggling with is when we are intimate together. It’s pretty good, but not amazing. Our chemistry is undeniable, but I feel like I am not letting go enough and this might be holding us back. I’ve thought about it quite a bit, and I think it’s to do with two issues from my end.

For the first time I am feeling a bit insecure because even though I am comfortable in the way I look, he’s super fit and I am not. He keeps calling me beautiful and pretty (as random comments) so I know it’s my insecurities that are messing with me, and I want to try deal with them in a healthy way, instead of lashing out, but I’m not sure I’ve cracked that yet.

The second issue is that since my ex I’ve only had casual sex (a lot of it after the breakup), so there have been no emotions involved. This time, I’ve been taking it slow and only doing things I can emotionally handle so that I don’t just switch off and put my guard up as I would during casual sex. It’s been going well, but I’ve been holding myself back. Now I am stressing out thinking that if I don’t step it up, he’ll lose interest (he’s not said or done anything to give me this impression, he’s actually been super sweet and keeps telling me how happy he is with us – again, I understand it’s an issue coming from me).

Thanks to a lot of growth and self awareness I’ve had over the past few years (partly supported by this awesome community), I am really proud of myself for not letting my thoughts and insecurities get the best of me, and for being able to recognise what is going on. However, I guess I am facing a new learning journey, around how to deal with these insecurities in a healthy way, especially when things are going so well (I think I’ve gotten used to dealing with the negatives so much, that I’m a bit overwhelmed when dealing with the positives I am experiencing right now).

Any advice, or reassurance that i’m not going completely crazy (I say this jokingly, but with a hint of truth), would be really appreciated.

In any case, writing my thoughts down there has already put me in the right frame of mind. I am super grateful this community is available – through both the good and bad.

jdkm