Dear Debido:

I read your thread from a year ago, about this  very  relationship that  has  just ended. In this thread you asked for advice and tlc, that is tender, love  and care.

You are experiencing  emotional pain, understandably, following a long  term relationship ending. It will probably  be  helpful if you could attend a support group, people coming together to talk about their breakups, a place where you can talk about yours, about how you feel and listen to others being empathetic to you.

Forming a daily routine at this time, a routine that includes aerobic exercise such as a  long brisk walk outdoors every day, can also help. Comforting distractions such as listening  to music, hot baths, drawing (if you are so  inclined) and so forth, can also help. A whole lot.

anita

Hi Debido,

My advice is going to be a little different than others have given you. I believe if you love someone, believe in love, you still see a future with him..then fight for him. Don’t let him take the cowards way out. “I feel we are on limbo and not able to move forward” is just a fleeting thought. You wouldn’t have been together for seven years of things were not moving forward. I would let the dust settle a bit, then talk to him. Ask him for clarification of what his definition of “limbo” is. Don’t let him off the hook with a so silly remark like that. That is almost as cowardly as “it’s not you, it’s me” what does that mean?..again..someone unable to tell the truth and take the lame way out. Talk to him. There is something hidden in that statement that he wants from you, and he is not getting in the relationship. Ask him what is is. If he is having unrealistic expectations, then, let him go, but it may be something simple that you both can work through and not toss a 7 year relationship out the window.

it’s never an easy thing to go through.  The last person described everything so perfectly. Let yourself go through the pain and welcome it into your life, you have to accept it.

I also had a relationship that lasted three years and last year when she broke up with me I was devastated and couldn’t understand why? I asked my self what did I do? how did this happen?  because we were living together I was suddenly homeless.. Before that, I was staying with some family friends and they basically decided to kick me out so I lived in my car for a few weeks. I started having panic attacks, and health anxiety. The best analogy I have is I built this house and suddenly an earthquake happened it brought everything I built down (I live in San Francisco). It was all unexpected. Because I am a man I hate to admit but I cried a lot, it hurt me, and I suffered a lot. I felt degraded and angry living in my car. Life will kick you hard, but you have to move on.

Anyway, so I came realize I never loved her. I mean, I loved her but was never IN love with her.  I loved the connection we had because it was so easy to be with her and we always had fun. 7 months later I realized this, and am glad she ended it. The only issue was that like you boyfriend she wanted a break and to have space. In retrospect, I wish she would have ended it there what she did was cruel to me and had me thinking for two months if we were going to get back.

What I want to tell you is this, Do you really love him? or do you think you love him? Do you guys have anything in common other than life circumstances that brought you two together? And ask yourself deep down how you feel. At one point I began to think that I could possibly marry my ex but deep down I knew that I would be unhappy. From my experience, I think it’s cruel to be in a break and  I will recommend you just end the relationship there. Break off clean, find ways to distract yourself, like the other person mentioned, write, write, write it helps a lot. And please try not to overthink take it day by day. If he decides to come back then he will come back. My first few months like I said were rough, but today I am so happy that relationship ended. I am also grateful for that challenging time because I learned so much more about my self in 3 months than the 26 years I have been alive.

One other thing while you go through this go meditate, run and do Yoga it helped me a lot

I hope I made sense and that from my experience it helped. I felt like I rambled on

Best to you,

D

Hi Debido,

I know you’re going through a really tough time and I’m so sorry you’re in so much pain. I’m going through a recent breakup myself, and have found solace in reading about the situations of others who have gone through similar pain. It has helped me to always keep my situation in perspective; your pain is unique to you, and it just as valid and painful as anyone else’s, but many people have gone through their own pain and have come out stronger than they ever thought possible, and you will too! It may take time, and you may have to live in the pain for some time, but it will pass.

I’ve also found that podcasts are a great distraction, especially in those times when I feel so alone that I just need the sound of another person’s voice.

Best wishes in this hard time,

J