Dating a Man w/ a Son and Difficult Ex

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This topic has 5 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 7 months ago by Little Coconut.

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September 21, 2017 at 4:20 pm #169735

dreaming715
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Hello! My parents divorced when I was a baby and my step-mom has been in my life since I was 3-years-old (I’m now 28). Being a step-mom and co-parenting is no easy feat, and I think it’s completely normal to have mixed feelings. On one hand you love your boyfriend and appreciate the beautiful relationship he has with his son, but on the other hand maybe it feels like you’ve suddenly “skipped steps” in your life? All of a sudden there’s a child who has to be considered at all times (and his biological mother, as well).

Be kind to yourself- you’re not a terrible person for having these feelings. I can only speak for myself, but I would start to take note of what I’m feeling on a regular basis. What are the pros of dating someone with a child? What are the cons? What do you value? For example: Do you value intimate relationships, family, work, hobbies (traveling, playing sports, etc…)- and what order would you potentially place these in?

There is no right or wrong answer and I know it may seem overwhelming, but I think the ultimate goal is to find peace and contentment. Taking note of how you’re feeling over a period of time and on a consistent basis and being mindful of this may help you.

September 22, 2017 at 4:45 am #169777
Inky
Participant
Hi Little Coconut,

You are very wise for not moving in with him. Keep heeding that instinct. Don’t move in with him. Keep your own place. Be a free agent. When opportunity calls, even from states away, heed the call.

You are not married to this man. You are not even engaged to this man. The mother does NOT dictate where YOU live. Don’t get sucked into his karmic vortex.

If you move in with him it would be very hard to leave and yet very hard to stay. And you don’t want to do that to a child.

Frankly, you shouldn’t even see the child unless you will be in his life forever. The father is trying to set it up so you feel guilt, so you move in, so you seamlessly move where the family moves, so you will help take care of the child.

You are very young. I suggest keeping the relationship light and casual. And perhaps date another young, free person.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Inky.
September 22, 2017 at 7:34 am #169783

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Little Coconut:

The key sentence in your share, for me, is this: “I’m afraid of bringing stuff like this up without hurting my boyfriend’s feelings”-

I think the relationship is likely to deteriorate and end if you do not bring stuff like this up with him. And you did state: “I want us to be forever”-

Got to talk to him, if you want this relationship to improve. As unpleasant it feels to bring certain topics up, it is not only for your benefit that you do, but it is also for his benefit and his child’s. Bring up all topics (pace yourself, of course)- everything that bothers you.

Do so responsibly, not blaming him but taking responsibility for your feelings. You can’t help feeling what you feel, so there is no guilt in feeling. You are not a bad person for feeling this or that. When you share a feeling with him that is unpleasant for you to experience and to share with him, see how he responds. Depending on his response and what develops in the conversation, you might very well be very surprised how better you feel, and how clearer things become for you.

The questions you asked here, discuss those with him.

anita

September 22, 2017 at 7:45 am #169773

Chrissy
Participant

Hello! I’m 27 and just recently got out of a 1 year relationship with a single father (33) with a 7 year old son. I was drawn to your story since I am still recovering from this break-up which happened about 2 weeks ago. I met him through a mutual friend when I was a flight attendant based in San Francisco. I felt an instant connection with him that I haven’t really felt with anyone before based on our similar family backgrounds, and he was also super honest with me from the get-go. His son was also super sweet and would always give me gifts (candy and glitter pens) and sing me songs. I eventually moved in with him and his family since he kept on telling me it made more sense to (save money and convenience since I was always over anyways).

However, as time progressed, I grew more and more uncomfortable with being a stepmom as well. I felt feelings of awkwardness whenever his ex came over to pick up his son to hang out. I also didn’t like it when he would communicate with her through texts. It was obviously a normal thing to do, but I just felt like I shouldn’t have to go through with that situation. I also thought I could handle it at first, but I also had feelings of jealousy and frustration. All of that anxiety caused me to randomly cry at least once or twice a week over how unhappy I was with the situation. I also didn’t know how to date someone with a kid without feeling selfish. I love children , but I wanted to have my own children and I knew I wasn’t cut out to take care of someone else’s. I felt like that is usually how a normal single female would feel like.

Because of my unhappiness, I quit my job and moved back home to LA to pursue my goal as an elementary school teacher. I feel so much happier now. I know it’s hard when feelings for him are so strong, but the situation isn’t ideal. Maybe he was super nice and an amazing Dad, but that doesn’t mean it would be an easy or the right relationship to be in. I think being in an uncomplicated relationship would suit me better because I prefer a drama free life. Furthermore, his son grew attached to me and eventually started texting me. It made me feel so guilty in breaking it off. Based on my experience, I would suggest listening to your intuition. If you aren’t 100% sure of the situation, you definitely shouldn’t pursue it.

I regret hurting them both. That was the hardest part of the break-up and if I could do it again I would have made a better decision.

September 22, 2017 at 6:55 pm #169923

Little Coconut
Participant

Dreaming, Inky, Anita, Chrissy… Wow. Thank you so much for your wise and kind words. It’s very valuable to hear such a wide range of voices.

I value partnership, and freedom to a degree. I value creativity. If I’m being honest with myself, I’m afraid to not be with him. He was the first person to tell me that he would love me forever, that he would marry me… I know he would, too. Perhaps if he trusted me more.

He recently told me, “I feel like you wish I wasn’t a dad.” And I don’t wish that—I don’t know if I would love him if he were a father. Having a child changed him in a way that made me love him…So I don’t wish that. But other times, yes, I wish it were less complicated.
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