Dear Ladybug:

I think it will be a very good idea to kindly tell your mother that you need her to no longer suggest to your father that he hangs out with you, to no longer apply pressure on him of any kind to connect with you. I hope you trust her to respect this assertion, if you so choose to assert it. This way, you will have one less possibility to ponder regarding his motivation.

Actually, why not tell him, that you asked that of your mother and that you accept, or willing to accept the reality of his lack of motivation to see you, that you are willing to accept his priorities (TV, computer, whatever) as they are… simply because when we accept what is real, when we stop fighting what we can’t change, we get healthier.

Your father is set in his ways. It is about no longer taking it personally. Of course not taking it personally is easier said then done, but it is doable, over time.

Please post again…

anita

Dear Ladybug:

This may be difficult for you to read, but I am writing here because I believe it is important for your well being even if it is distressing at first…

The flashlight in your home has been directed to your dad, how he is deficient. And I have no doubt he is. But for your own well being, I believe, that the light should shine on everything and that you see the bigger picture.

The fact that your mom has been bickering with your dad over not paying attention to you has not been working for your own good for a long time. Why has she kept doing it all these years? You hear the bickering, you know what is going on and it is hurting you. It only makes you suspicious about his motives when he does attend to you.

The only thing her pressuring him to see you was point the finger at him: look at him, HE is not doing HIS job. It is self serving to her as a defensive person, taking herself out of the picture.

If the relationship with your mom was close enough she would have noticed her pressuring him was distressing to you and ineffective. If the relationship with her was good enough you would have already told her and you wouldn’t be worrying about her being defensive. There would be honesty and safety in communicating with her on such issues so very meaningful to you.

I would shine the light on your relationship with her as well. What is lacking is far from being only a daddy issue.

What do you think?

anita

Dear Ladybug:

Your mother is very limited in her ability to have a close relationship with anyone as long as she refuses to look at herself as being the cause of anything negative. She will do anything to push away anything resembling blame. She does it with your father, using him as a scapegoat, the Guilty One (in more areas than his parenting of you), I have no doubt. And when she feels that you are pointing to anything she may have done wrong, she did not hesitate to be as cruel as to say: “it is all in your head”- in other words…is she saying you are imagining things, crazy…I think so.

I am sorry, Ladybug: a distant relationship with your father AND a very limited one with your mother.

Thing is of the two you have a better chance to improve your relationship with your father than with your mother because he has experience taking blame he deserves and lots that he does not deserve. On the other hand your mother has no such experience.

Your father is too adjusted to taking her blame. He is not likely to admit it if you talk to him. She will not admit to handing all negativity, all blame to to him so to keep herself blameless.

If you were not aware of this and this strikes home, it must be tough, isn’t it? It is better though to be aware of reality because then you have a chance to deal with what is real. When not aware, you suffer the consequences of reality without knowing enough of what is really going on.

Please post again…
anita

Dear Ladybug:

Here are the last three lines of your post above: “I feel that with your last post you are starting to border into telling me this is how my parents are only getting a glimpse from my perspective about their behavior. I appreciate your support, but I need to draw my own conclusions about their behavior for myself.”

I am very impressed by how well you asserted yourself in these three lines, very impressed. You asserted yourself in a respectful way, not being disrespectful or abusive in any way. You asserted yourself non apologetically, that is without adding words like…”I am sorry but…”, qualifiers like that. Your assertion was straightforward, factual, simple to understand… none accusatory. This is very rare in my experience, very refreshing to come across such well put together assertion. I would say most people feeling discomfort about a post like you felt, most people probably wouldn’t even write back.. and some would have responded with put downs and even name calling.

I am so authentically impressed. Now I know there is a lot I can learn from you. This motivates me to want to have further communication with you. And although this is what I want, I am very aware that you need to be motivated to, that you will respond back if you think there is something important you can learn as well. (Win-Win)

It is uncomfortable to receive criticism, even one so well done like yours. My discomfort is: I did something wrong, I did something stupid… and there is that threatening feeling that everything I ever thought could be a mistake. But then, I realize there is enough confidence in me, justified confidence (because I earned it through hard work of the last five years), that I can withstand this criticism, learn from it, improve and go on learning.

You are correct in your criticism of me. I did project too much of my experience into yours and in so doing, I assumed too much without checking. It is not wise and it is not helpful to you. It is a hindrance, not help.

So, now I will try to do it better, responding to the rest of your above post. You mentioned your mother apologizing. I learned that not all apologies are created equal: some people apologize for anything and everything that has nothing to do with them, like a hiccup. And some people, when they intentionally hurt someone, when they apologize for what they did wrong, they use the apology to deliver an additional punch.

Do some of your mother’s apologies fit into the above? Are some of them sincere, that is, she stating what she did wrong and trying to fix it?

I was also wondering if you can elaborate on what it feels like confronting her, you used the word “stupid” and “crazy”- can you write more about that?

anita

* Dear jock: yes, a perfectly done assertion. I wish this ability for you and I. This is one hell of an opportunity to learn this skill, isn’t it?

Hope to “hear” from you again and again, Ladybug!
anita