i’ve been in a relationship on and off for four and a half years now. it began when i was 19. i am 24 now. we grew up together, essentially, at first not knowing how to navigate much of anything, let alone the explosive chemistry between us. our relationship has taken many shapes, as we both have individually as we have grown and changed. the past two years have been spent being too attached to let go completely but having enough problems to not be able to completely merge. we have broken up and gotten back together so many times that i feel stuck in an inevitable loop. i am the one who is perpetually calling it quits and then coming back. in a way, it’s making me feel insecure about my ability to make a decision that i feel good about and can stick to, even though this is the only area of indecisiveness in my life.

my main source of restlessness in the relationship is lack of communication. we communicate in very different ways- he is not much of a talker at all. he doesn’t talk to me, or anyone, about any of his pains or concerns, and barely ever wants to talk things out with me when we’re having an issue. my problems are quickly met with “i’m tired,” “i’m busy,” “do we really have to talk about this?” and he shuts off almost instantaneously, often criticizing my approach or the way i attempt to communicate. as a result, i feel lonely more often than i would like when we are together. our difficulty in verbally communicating to one another has caused me a lot of pain, and overall i can’t say i feel the level of support that i would like to feel in a relationship. i feel like when we encounter anything in any way uncomfortable, i’m the only one who wants to sort it out. if we have an argument, it’s almost default that i will be the one to initiate patching it up. he seems almost… unaffected. sometimes when i’m dealing with something difficult and share it with him, just looking for empathy, he says, “i won’t let you make me feel bad.” a response that i still do not understand. i have expressed to him my concerns many times, but nothing really seems to change. despite these problems, there has always been a lot of love between us and i care for him deeply.

as usual, even though i really thought this past break up in february was final, i found myself missing him and thinking about him a lot. we text every couple weeks to say hello. after so many years, it feels strange not having any contact at all (although i’m fully aware of the no contact rule so many people swear by… maybe i should try it). he has made many attempts to spend time together, most of which i declined because i know my feelings for him are strong, and i’m scared of repeating the same cycle: getting back together, enjoying the high of being reunited, and then having some of the same problems, feeling restless and unsatisfied, and breaking it off again. but we’ve essentially, beside myself, started the conversation again, and of course it feels good but all the same fears are there. he’s driving me to the airport in two days, and i’m already a little scared that all the feelings and nostalgia will pop up before i get on the plane, and i won’t hear from him all summer (last summer, he barely contacted me while i was away, and left me hanging during a time when i really needed him).

i’m making big life changes- living abroad for the entire summer, and then moving four hours north of where i am now to start graduate school. i would be lying if i said part of my logic in moving away wasn’t to change my environment and try to break the cycle. this is my first major break up- one that has been dragged on for quite some time now.

my initial plan was to use this time abroad to recuperate and heal. but now that we are talking again, i’m catching myself thinking about being together again, even though i will be four hours away from him. when we spoke about it, he said he was open to anything, but is thinking that a full-on committed relationship is too difficult with the distance. meanwhile, i am just kicking myself for even thinking about any of it, but i feel that i still care for him so much that i can’t help it. i look forward to a day when this won’t be a source of stress in my life anymore, when i can breathe easy and feel good about whatever the situation is between us.

any insight on any of this would be helpful- how to break the cycle, how to recover from the loss of a long, important relationship with someone you are still in love with, how to gauge whether it’s worth trying to resuscitate a relationship that’s been knocked down so many times, if it’s possible to learn to communicate, or even reassurance that you do fall in love again, that it’s possible to fall in love with someone who you are, more or less, emotionally compatible with.

thank you for taking the time to read my story.

• This topic was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by LaLaTra.