Hi Victoria,

It’s hard to cut family out of your life. I would visit them less, have them call you and then only have no more than fifteen minutes of basic politeness on the phone.

As for your boyfriend, have you considered that you might be the “toxic” one?

You tell him you want a non-monogamous relationship. He thinks “Oh great, another guy!” probably.

You say “I love you” but he doesn’t hear the sincerity in your voice. Or you don’t say those words at all.

You are keeping him around because there’s nothing else out there.

Please cast him loose. For his sake.

Best,

Inky

Dear Victoria:

Somehow I missed a thread you started Dec last year, three months ago. There you wrote about your on-again-off-again boyfriend, at the time being on: “He met up with one of (his ex girlfriends).. he sent me a message that said they had gone for drink/food and that she was staying over”, and that this message sent you “off into a spiral of irrational and rational thinking.. still awake…. I should not be this anxious about the situation… I cannot sleep and will not relax until I hear from him at some point today where he will.. tell me how he slept on the sofa or something”.

On this thread you wrote that “when I’m not in any contact with him I feel alone, abandoned and upset, even though I am sleeping better, being more social and probably coping with life better than I do when I am with him”.

My input today: I can’t think of a single woman who will not be concerned about her boyfriend having a date (food and alcohol) with a woman who is not his mother or sister or maybe first cousin, then taking the woman home with him to spend the night.

The fact that he told you about the date and night doesn’t mean he told you everything about that night. The logic of partial sharing would be: if I slept with her, I wouldn’t have told you that she spent the night!

But not necessarily so.

Evidence is that you sleep better and cope better in life when not in a relationship with him. What better evidence can there be that you should not be in a relationship with him.

anita