Crushed by mid-life breakup

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This topic has 36 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by anita.

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May 26, 2023 at 6:23 am #419220

Roberta
Participant

Hi Tim

I guess we all have to learn active listening and how to support & uplift the people around us.

We cant change the past but we can make a better future.

May 26, 2023 at 7:03 am #419222

Tim
Participant

Very true. It’s something I’ve always struggled with. I’m sad that it may have played a role in ending things, though I know there were many issues at play from both of us. I hope I will get the chance to try to do better with my ex again. But if not, I know I will find someone else someday.

May 27, 2023 at 4:28 pm #419293

Helcat
Participant

Hi Tim

Not eating and sleeping does a real number on your ability to regulate emotion. It makes sense why the breakdown happened. It’s a very human reaction to intense stress. It sounds like you were already under a lot of stress before the break up happened. It tipped you over the edge as it were. You were not your usual self. I think you can safely say that.

You’ve got a good head on your shoulders and great attitude. I think your instincts that holding onto hope isn’t healthy for you shows a lot of self-awareness.

I hope things continue to get a little easier day by day.

May 27, 2023 at 8:00 pm #419428

Tim
Participant

Thank you. It’s so hard to let go of hope. I’m not there yet but I’m getting there. Every day I think about it less and less. At some level that’s great and at another level scary as those fading memories (and my fading hope) are all I have left of her.

May 28, 2023 at 12:54 pm #419442

Tim
Participant

I just want to know that she will reach out to me someday. Even if it’s just for closure or to have some kind I of a friendship. Or even just to know she still cares.

May 28, 2023 at 8:50 pm #419448

Sarah Jeanne Browne
Participant

You have to respect no contact. If she wants you, she’ll reach out to YOU.

Keep using your coping skills. Sounds like you’re becoming a greater version of you. Love yourself and forgive yourself. You loved the best way you know how. It might not have matched what the other person was looking for. That happens in relationships. Doesn’t mean you have to blame yourself for life.

Maybe see what other fish are in the sea and get your confidence back…

May 30, 2023 at 10:50 am #419502

Helcat
Participant

Hi Tim

It’s good to hear that you are thinking about it less each day and letting go of the relationship. You will always have those good memories of being together.

You don’t know if she will ever get back in contact but you can work through your thoughts and feelings on your own.

Writing about what you wish you could say to a person can be helpful.

May 30, 2023 at 3:56 pm #419508

Tim
Participant

Thank you. Life is improving. I just can’t imagine I’ll never hear from her again given we both said how special and strong our love was. I know love love can fade but I think that had to leave a strong imprint on her as well. And she was telling family and friends after the breakup that she only had good things to say about me.

I think I’m going to go with the thought that I’ll hear from her again someday, even if that’s 5 hears. With that taken care of, maybe it will allow me to move on to taking better care of myself.

May 30, 2023 at 4:33 pm #419509

Tim
Participant

And by hearing from her, I don’t mean getting back together. I have very little hope of that at this point.

May 31, 2023 at 3:51 pm #419524

Helcat
Participant

Hi Tim

I think it depends on personality type as to whether she will get back in contact. Someone like me wouldn’t. Nothing against any of the people I’ve dated. I just don’t believe in reminiscing or going backwards. I have been open to exes contacting me. It has never gone very well though. In your ex’s situation I would flatly refuse contact because of how things ended. What happened wasn’t your fault. Clearly you were going through a lot mentally. But for a woman being stalked is quite scary even for a couple of days. If she’s had experiences of abuse in the past she might not want to risk it. Not because of what you did per say but out of fear of the unknown of what could happen.

It’s good that she recognises what you had despite how things ended.

You will know more about the type of personality she has. Has she typically got back in touch with exes? Does she enjoy reminiscing about old times? Would she trust being in contact with you again despite your last contact being potentially dangerous and out of character?

June 1, 2023 at 3:33 am #419531

Tim
Participant

It’s hard to say. She definitely has kept in touch with a few exes. She is a kind and empathetic person. And she was telling people, even after all of my begging and pleading, that she only had good things to say about me. So I don’t think her opinion of me was irreparably damaged. We also both told each other how our relationship was the most special and healthy we’d been in. Obviously that changed in the end but I know I was a good partner to her up until the breakup.

I think, at some point, she might be able to move past my post breakup actions. I was never angry or mean, never called her a name or put any blame on her. I never went to her house or anything like that. I’m not saying what I did was right but she realizes that I also had a lot of early life trauma (death of a parent) and that my terrible marriage and anxiety/depression likely informed my lack of emotional self control. I’m not excusing what I did, at all. But I think she will eventually realize I’m the same kind and gentle soul she dated.

but I know I hurt her and at some level, scared her. I honestly scared myself given it seemed I had no ability to control myself for those 2-3 days. It taught me a lot about myself though.

June 1, 2023 at 3:38 am #419532

Tim
Participant

I’ll add that I don’t believe she has any history of being abused. But she does have a history of being abandoned, in childhood and in a previous marriage. Which, from what I understand, can lead someone to become avoidant. And I also understand that can lead people to take much longer to reach back out to an ex, if they ever do.

I think, at some level, she might have been preemptively cutting things off to avoid getting abandoned again, even though I never would have left her

June 1, 2023 at 3:41 am #419533

Tim
Participant

I just wish I knew what she was thinking. I know she needed space and it took me too long to give it to her. If she found someone else or never wants to talk to me again, I wish I knew that. I guess in time I’ll find out if that is the case. But living with uncertainty if I’ll ever hear from her again is difficult.

June 1, 2023 at 5:16 am #419534

Tim
Participant

I realize after re-reading my posts that I am still obsessing and it isn’t healthy. I’m going to pull back from scouring the Internet and YouTube for answers and focus on what I can control. I’ll forgive myself for past actions and not try to tell the future or read her mind. It’s time I got back to enjoying the present and continuing to improve my life as I have been over the past few months.

whatever will happen will happen. If she comes back into my life, that would be great. If not, I do realize that the worst is well behind me and that I will be ok.

June 1, 2023 at 4:06 pm #419555

Helcat
Participant

Hi Tim

That’s a very healthy realisation. Well done! You’ve got this.
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