crippling shame... - Tiny Buddha

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This topic has 14 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 6 months ago by @Jasmine-3.

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June 21, 2014 at 8:31 am #59309

Bruce
Participant

Good morning

I’m writing this in an attempt to perhaps gain better insight, or a different perspective on my predicament. A little over 2 months ago I had posted previously about being on the verge of having been “catfished” by a member of the same gender (i’m a heterosexual male). For anyone who is unaware of the term, or my story, in short…I received an anonymous text message from a number not saved in my phone several weeks ago. I will refrain from sharing you the details, but it was indeed suggestive. My immediate response was to inquire of course to who they were, by which they evaded, and said “never mind”. Looking back, i’m not sure if it was my ego, the fact that I was still recovering from a bad co-dependent relationship, or just outright curiosity as to who had obtained my phone number. But I prolonged the conversation anyway, which really only consisted of them asking questions about myself (some personal) and insisting that I meet up with them fairly late at night in an area near me. Having not had my head completely off my rocker, I instructed that i’d be open to it, under the condition they provided me with a picture of who they were, that I never received. The next day, I sent a text message back inquiring why they never sent a photo, to which they provided evasive answers as to how they had more or less changed their mind. Admittedly, I instructed that I would still be open to meeting with them (again not sure if ego stroke or simply curiosity) by which they began with the personal questioning again, and another offer from them to meet even later at night. I said firmly, again, that I wouldn’t meet with them, unless they told me exactly who they were and sent me a picture as proof. By which they then indicated they were a member of the same sex, a person who I did not personally know, and were “unable to send a picture on their phone”…while admittedly annoyed, I also felt a bit of relief as to finally finding out who it was, and indicated to them that I wasn’t interested. From there, I think I suppressed many of the mix of emotions I had at the time, honestly, from the somewhat shock of it? Because just about every possible scenario had ran through my mind, BUT that. A possible old flame, or one of her friends she may have put up to it. A friend of mine “messing” around with me, or a client (I work in sales and must repeatedly use my cell phone), but I certainly never considered the outcome I received. To fan the flames, the individual at the time would not take no for an answer, first proclaiming that they were sorry, and just wanted to “see what it was like”…and in the very next sentence trying to “convince” and “sell” me on meeting with them, regardless of what I had indicated earlier. In hindsight, I think perhaps I should have stopped engaging, because my emotions began to get tied up into it, with what they distributed to me, as a clear lack of regard for my boundaries and preferences, no matter how respectful I attempted to be, and firmly remove myself from the conversation. The culmination of the entire scenario, and what transpired over those two days…over two months ago, has been the catalyst to an extreme sense of shame, embarrassment, and humiliation, that I can’t seem to shake. If anything, it’s gotten worse as time goes on. Prior to this mishap, I will be honest, I thought I had the whole “self awareness” mindset figured out…I was happy…and had made HUGE progress since my break-up that had put me on this journey, for which I was very thankful for. But this is different, I believe because of so many factors different factors…one of the biggest, my own internal beliefs and values. I respect homo-sexual men and women, their preferences, their rights…but don’t necessarily “agree” with them…and as foolish as it may sound, in my mind somehow, i’ve now unknowingly “participated” simply by engaging in this conversation. I know a lot of it is cultural, conditoning and upbringing, things get labeled as “gay” that have nothing to do with the term, but often used when something seems “less desirable” and homophobia can at times be rampant. But now, I feel like…I can’t accept myself…because it directly conflicts with a deep seeded belief that I have…and I know…i’m giving a massive amount of power away to the situation, but is it not in effect also…power to my own self and beliefs? My self-esteem is at this current time at an all time low, and my self-loathing an all time high…for the past two months all i’ve done from sun up to sun down is replay the entire text conversation in my head…and punish myself repeatedly mentally for being an “idiot”. Yes, i’m a “perfectionist” by nature (sigh) and this in some way or another has “shattered” the image of myself i’ve created…in my own head. But the biggest thing, by far, is the fear…the fear of judgement, not from the hell i’ve been giving myself, but from others, even those I care about…fear that’s turned into a paralyzing shame…and only seems to get darker…if anyone could provide any insight…or just a different perspective…i’d greatly appreciate it

Bruce

June 21, 2014 at 9:08 am #59313

Kelly
Participant

Methinks thou doth protest too much. I’m sorry, I don’t understand the inner turmoil. A stranger starts texting you, you engage and soon find out the person at the other end of the line is a man. No thanks, not interested, life goes on. What am I missing? What specifically troubles you so much to cause you to replay the text over and over?

Did you ever find out how this person got your number? Unless you have the number posted in some type of public forum, it would seem someone you knew gave the person your number.

I think you’ve learned a valuable lesson here: if you get a message from an unknown number and the person refuses to identify him/herself, end the dialogue. It really needn’t be any more complicated than that.

June 21, 2014 at 9:11 am #59314

The Ruminant
Participant

Hi Bruce,

Whilst I’m not usually a fan of making comparisons and pointing out that someone has it worse than you do, I feel like it would be OK this time to put your situation into perspective. There was an American football player who had an online affair with someone. He felt like this person was his girlfriend. I can’t remember the full details, but something happened and she distanced herself from him and told some really sad story why they had to part ways. For some reason this whole thing started to unravel and it turned out that the girlfriend was a guy. So not only was his trust broken, the whole thing was played out in the press. I have to say that I felt a lot of compassion for them both. The football player for falling for the whole thing and the man on the other end, who said that he just wanted to try what it would feel like and that he got hooked and was really ashamed and sorry for what he had done, and that he never meant to hurt anyone.

We’re all human and want to feel loved and we want to believe that the person who entered our lives would be “The One” (if that is what we are looking for). We also all the time assume things and fill in the gaps to be what we want them to be. So of course the person on the other end, who also just wants something, will sometimes allow the other one to make these assumptions. We wish so hard that things would turn out for the best. The person in your case wished so much that even after you said “no”, he still pursued to be accepted by you. I don’t think he now feels like a million dollars either.

When trust is broken it’s horrible, and I know that for me, personally, one of the biggest insults is when I end up looking foolish (I’m also a bit of a perfectionist). But then there have been times when there was just no way out of that feeling of shame, and the only solution was to face it and accept it, and guess what? It’s a great tool for growth as well. I once had a discussion about being “shamed” with someone online. I’m not sure what had happened to her, but she said that all her secrets had been revealed, or something like that. She couldn’t do anything about it, so it forced her to just become completely open. She had nothing to hide anymore, and instead of feeling shame, she became this blossoming individual, filled with compassion for others and deep understanding for humanity. So you know, it can be a blessing as well…

Things tend to blow out of proportion in your own head, and the reality is that what happened to you is a drop in the ocean of life. You’re not the first person to go through something like that and you’re not the last. Both of you got caught up in a perfectly human situation of wanting to be wanted, and there is no shame in that. Try to be more compassionate towards yourself as well as the other person 🙂

June 21, 2014 at 9:11 am #59315

Natasha
Participant

Hi Bruce 🙂

A little saying that helps me is “what others think of you is none of your business”.

I find that when I steal peace from myself through ego driven self talk, I am merely trying to convince myself of my own lies. The tricky thing about my ego which essentially states I am better or worse than others instead of the truth which is ‘we are all equals’ is it uses my own best thinking, my charm and charisma, my whit and intelligence against me! It will do anything to tell me I’m better or worse, and it’s a check mate until I can reach out and release the emotions to my human family.

Once I do that, and offer up a surrender as in “I just can’t win – HELP” I get to hear other people’s thoughts and ANYTHING that offers me a bit of relief from my own thinking which can pin me against the wall and keep me stuck there is such RELIEF!

So the only relief I have to offer you dear, is that we ARE actually all equals. All the thoughts that are playing that tape in your mind that tell you otherwise, and want you to TAKE time from you NOW by going over and over something past… are just little thieves. Shew them away!

Once I get down to the nitty gritty… and think I’m resting on the beautiful boat of equality… more sneaky little bastard thoughts will pry and say “well… what about Hitler? Are you equal to HIM? Well? ARE YOU?” And my ego wants to scream NO! NO! It can’t be! I am BETTER THAN HIM!

But the truth remains constant – and it does eventually provide relief if I LET IT: I am equal to all the Earths Consciousness.
When Hitler was 3 yr old boy – he didn’t wish to grow up and be a mass murderer! Something went terribly wrong for that poor boy, and it’s sad. And I don’t feel it’s his “last life” – or all the people he’s killed. When I think about babies still born and terrible crap like that… I just gotta grab onto some eternal source of love that we’re heading toward, and it doesn’t have to be ‘all done’ here in this life time. Maybe we get a bunch of them? No one knows for sure right? So can’t we just believe what feels peaceful?

I’m not trying to convince you of any sort of religion or otherwise – because I don’t claim any sort of descriptive or label or delusion. For me – I just gotta go with all souls start as love and end as love and the mess in between… well… it’s all part of getting from start to finish, but we all end up back in one universal love and know peace eventually. In this way – I get to feel equal – I get to feel peaceful – I get to feel like I have a purpose, which can simply be finding my purpose right now – and I don’t have to figure anything out past or future – better or worse – right or wrong, I can just relax with who I am and what I am as what it needs to be on the path we’re all on.

So if the paths are all parallel – then you and I were supposed to have this encounter and that’s cool! I enjoyed it. I love not thinking like me for a bit – and you helped me with that. Thanks! 🙂

June 21, 2014 at 1:09 pm #59318

Big blue
Participant

Hi Bruce,

For help with shame, look up Brené Brown.

Big blue

June 21, 2014 at 1:31 pm #59319

Bruce
Participant

@Kelly – Thank you for your insight. I think much of my “inner turmoil” is more related to a lack of self-love and acceptance I have for myself. Being that the outcome was not “predicted” or considered, it wasn’t in the cards for any of the images I attached to in my head, and if anything, I think I subconsciously use the experience to back up the “you’re not good enough” self-talk i’m guilty of. I did indeed ask where they had received my number from, but they indicated it was a “friend” of theirs and did not want to share. Being that they had given me contradictory information before, and I was in “fight or flight” mode at the time. I chose not to engage further. I suspect that they could have indeed received it from someone, somewhere, or even that it could have been some “joke”. I agree with the valuable lesson, and appreciate blunt, but refreshing, tough love!

@Ruminant – Perspective is huge. Particularly when we can’t get out of our own heads! I know I try to create scenarios in my head, and as you say “hope for the best” with “wishful thinking”. Even times I think we find ourselves saying to our ourself, that we’re too smart for something to happen to us, and in which case end up fooling ourselves haha. What I really responded to was your friend who embraced the “shame” and confronted it head on. Essentially leaving nothing to fear, we’re all humans, we all want to be loved, and we all make mistakes. It’s just at times, perfectionists like you or I, who try to torment ourselves over it haha, but i’m sincerely glad you can relate on some level!

@Natasha – I think you’re really hitting the nail on the head, with the ego. My negative self-talk can get to an exhausting point with the lies, and I know highly contributes to the “holier than thou” complex. If I should perhaps err in the slightest, it rears it’s ugly head and says “see you’re not good enough”. I know I’ve struggled with external validation as well, so your “what others think is none of my business” quote is a very good one. And when you do sit down, look around, at everyone and everything. You do realize we’re all more or less in this together. Peace and love will accomplish a lot more than fear and hate. Thank you very much for your insight, and i’m glad I was able to contribute to you on your journey as well 🙂

June 21, 2014 at 1:33 pm #59320

Bruce
Participant

@Big Blue – I will check her out this evening, thank you!

June 21, 2014 at 3:39 pm #59322
Inky
Participant
I may be late to the party, but on a practical note:

I never, ever answer calls from my cell phone or land line if I don’t recognize the number, or the name on Caller ID. If it’s that important, they can leave a message.

And as far as meeting strangers ~ and it wasn’t my idea first ~ well that’s a NO. There’s a place for that: Match.com.

Life is hard enough. Don’t make it harder with rogue elements. So consider this a Lesson Learned!

Hey, you could go to the police and say that this is a number of a catfish/scammer. They are starting to catch up with the technology and take these things more seriously. Performing a Sting operation could be viewed as a public service. The girl was really a guy who could be part of a gang of guys! You never know! Protect the community by having a detective trace the number and have a little “talk” with this guy.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
June 21, 2014 at 4:55 pm #59325

Big blue
Participant

Hi Inky,

Yes agreed. I had an unknown text recently. I asked who they were looking for and did not get a reply. My gut said it was fishy so I blocked the number.

Big blue

June 21, 2014 at 7:55 pm #59327

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Thanks everyone.

Hi Bruce @hawk

From your earlier posts, it appears you are approx. 25 to 26 years old of age, yeah ?

Hey, what is the big fuss about this incident ? I am finding it difficult to comprehend. You have a fear of judgment by others and you are feeling paralysing shame. Seriously ?

Who is judging you besides yourself ? Do I care if you are a heterosexual or gay, needy or co-dependent, feeling shameful or being perfectionist ? NO. It is none of my business and it is no one else’s business either if you can get this sorted in your mind.

Your life is yours, mate. You live it the way you want to live. You want to be catfished – that’s your choice. You want to break free from shame – that’s your choice as well. You want to be en engineer – that’s your choice. You want to have pasta today instead of curry – that’s your choice as well. Where do others come into the picture ?

Do you fear judgment when you have diarrhoea or get sick or need to wear a certain shirt or take a certain route on the road ? I suspect your answer will be a NO. So why in this case ?

Don’t make this issue bigger than ben hur as you are not hurting anyone else except for yourself and no one is going to get you out of this shame except for yourself. You can spend hours, months or lifetime thinking about this or you can put a FULL STOP now. Wake up, my dear friend and smell some roses !!!!!

Blessings,

Jasmine

June 22, 2014 at 5:32 am #59342
Big blue
Participant
Hi Bruce,

If you have the desire to move ahead, especially with all this great advice including the kick-in-the-pants great advice from Jasmine, I’ll offer something from my own shame history that might help you get a new approach going.

Spaghetti. Whether it’s called spaghetti or pasta, kids often call it pisghetti or scabetti or something else. Whatever. No matter what you call eating spaghetti, to me it’s an allegory for life. Oh you say how?

When I was in grade school, say third grade, at the time home life was a total mess. When I came to school I was steeped in shame. This was a heavy, heavy weight that I wore. I constantly felt low and that other students were noticing my bad clothes, my bad teeth, my bad life. No one actually said anything or pointed me out, I put on this heavy burden myself. I recall how I especially hated days when spaghetti was on the lunch menu. Spaghetti is a big mess to eat. The pasta is out of control all over the place. You can’t really get it on your fork. The sauce is all over. You try to twirl your fork and it all just unravels. Spots of red sauce land off the plate. (Everyone in the lunchroom must be watching this kid try to eat this awful stuff.)

Last night I went to a favorite restaurant for some delicious carb loading. On my current nutritional plan, pasta is a periodic, strategic pleasure. I confidently order my spaghetti with seafood, or meatballs. A big serving. “No bread thank you.” When the food arrives, I put my napkin on my lap to start and then it finds it’s best location throughout the meal. I dig in and eat away. I twirl to get a small, medium or large amount of pasta on my fork and with a sloppy mess of it hanging I go ahead and take a bite. Spaghetti falls to the plate in strands or piles. A spot or two of sauce finds new places on the plate. I enjoy chewing and savoring the mouthful while looking around at the folks nearby. Maybe chat, drink up some water, ask for more water. Sometimes wine. The chef or cook put a lot of thought into making this great dish, I came in, sat down and ordered it without looking at the menu or hearing the specials – and now I’m enjoying it!

Bruce, do you feel this? I’m the same person that hated eating spaghetti in third grade. The difference is now I know life is messy like spaghetti. It’s also awesome to savor! 🙂 Now go eat some spaghetti.

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Big blue.
June 22, 2014 at 8:01 am #59345

John
Participant

Hey Bruce,

My take on this…

Maybe the reason you’re so hard on yourself is ALL because of your perfectionism.

Perhaps you set such high standards for yourself that this texting experience has SEEMINGLY forever tarnished you as a person, in YOUR mind.

You mention ‘perfectionist’ as if that’s just who you are and always will be. Like there is no changing it.

I disagree with this. I would argue that you are a person, who up to this point in time, has had perfectionist tendencies and/or a perfectionist mindset.

The difference? My view of you is one where you can alter or calm down these perfectionist tendencies so that they aren’t so damaging to yourself.

Easy for me to say, right? I don’t claim to know the steps you should take. But I’m confident that this perfectionist label you’ve submitted to would be something worth looking at.

Everyone screws up, misses the mark, looks dumb/foolish, fails, falls, slips, trips, in some form or another. And there is good reason to not fear these things. Lessons can be learned and entertaining stories can be shared with your friends. I wouldn’t be surprised if they came back to you with a similar story. THIS very human part of you will never change. Though the perfectionist part can.

June 22, 2014 at 10:15 am #59346

Matt
Participant

Bruce,

In addition to the other kindly advice, consider that as your mind is bouncing around all the whatifs and whatdidIdos, your forehead gets tingly, like a pressure building. Consider that we can bring our attention away from the thoughts to just rest on that tingle, holding our attention politely, like we’re hugging a friend. With some mindful breathing, the tangled mess opens up, and we can find laughter again.

Don’t you see the humor in it? An unknown text sparks your mind and body into a bunch of fantasy. That fantasy had a question mark, but implanted with all sorts of other visuals. Images of sex, dancing, dating… all with this unknown, the question mark. Kissing, hugging, touching. Then, the question is answered with “male”, and the question mark gets replaced with a dude. That’s hilarious! Then, all those seeds planted with the question mark get replaced by a guy, and shazam, a lightning bolt of suffering zaps you in the balls. Suddenly you have a bunch of fantasies with a male, which conflicts in a whole lot of ways with you. Ouch! And so you cycle. All normal, all usual. This happens with many unmet expectations, but here, tied into your sexuality, its especially vibrant. Its like a movie where there is a serious plot twist at the end, that changes the whole nature of the story. Sixth Sense, Usual Suspects, etc. Welcome to the Bruce Show! You’re the lead role!

Consider a few tender suggestions. The suffering is revealing some neat things about yourself that might benefit from some spring cleaning. First, your homophobia seems to come from social fear, rather than yourself. That’s great! If you’re like me, you consider divinity and grace to be about hearts in tune with each other… not about what gender, race, whatever. Man-woman, woman-woman, man-man… if love and connection are there, God is there, divinity expressing its highest potentials. If this isn’t enough, then perhaps “judge not” would help. Homosexuals are walking on a path sculpted by the same God as heterosexuals. And frankly, you have your own stubbed toes to tend. Ya know?

For the social fear, consider that other people’s thoughts are not yours unless you make them yours. If someone you love thinks you’re gay, or weird, that’s their delusional mind suffering with confusion. They aren’t seeing the truth, and so feel all sorts of feelings and think all sorts of thoughts… all of which have nothing to do with you. Buddha taught “not mine” as a posture for dealing with such attachments.

Finally, consider finding some gratitude for such lessons. This stranger has offered you (intentionally or unintentionally doesn’t matter) a chance to settle some old pain. Said differently, the appearance of seemingly random and unfortunate circumstances are actually quite fortuitous, favorable. Who knows how long your homophobia and social fear could have slumbered unnoticed, subtly impeding your happiness. No longer! They came to the surface, and now can be cleaned out, unpacked, set down. Be grateful, because even though it smarts now, fears and whatifs rampaging in your head, its always for the better when we let it be.

Namaste, brother, may your heartsong grow ever more radiant.

With warmth,
Matt

June 22, 2014 at 3:15 pm #59349

Bruce
Participant

@Inky – Very good point in terms of answering unidentified texts/calls and making things more bothersome. Typically, I deal with a lot of clients due to my line of work (sales) and often times receive phone calls and texts from numbers not saved in my phone due to referrals, etc. I’ve tried to limit this however, and primarily use my office phone. I think i’ve been conditioned from work to pretty much answer anything, in hopes that it’s some sort of new business haha. I do appreciate the reminder from you (and this incident) however to be careful!

@Jasmine – Thank you, for the wake up call! I do have a tendency to blow things out of proportion, and making things bigger than “ben hur” as you say. I am doing it to myself, completely to myself. Even the close friends of mine I shared the story with said had the same thing happened to them, they certainly wouldn’t have been upset about it. I’m fabricating negative ideas, and judging myself. I do, need to snap out of it! Thank you, very much

@Big Blue – What you said about feeling as though everyone is “staring” at you, describes the feeling exactly. Like they can see all of the mistakes, faults, etc. written on my forehead. And just as you said it’s a burden thinking that way, that just weighs you down. Thank you for sharing your own story, to help show “i’m not the only one” and i’m glad spaghetti at this point for you is so enjoyable! I also watched Brene Brown’s videos on shame and vulnerability, and took a lot out of it! What really resonated with me was how she spoke about most of the time when we’re experiencing shame and judgement, when we look up, it’s really just us pointing at ourselves

@John – I think you’ve covered one of, if not my biggest issue completely. What you describe as feeling like being “forever tarnished” in MY MIND is EXACTLY the feeling. I have a tendency to set extremely high standards YET also have an incredible tendency to live small! Knowing what i’m talented at, what I can do comfortably, and more or less control. Little to no surprises, I always know the outcome, and can “handle” it. The tendency itself has indeed gotten to the point where it’s almost as if it’s my identity, aligned with the image of myself in my own head. Very thankful for your take on things, and will delve more into the concept!

@Matt – Lol, Matt, thank you. For not only adequately describing the physical “jumble” that goes on in the head, to the point where it almost feels like a pressure cooker. But the mental images as well. You’re completely right! The mysterious text message comes in, and you think to yourself “ah, it must be that girl I gave my number to a few weeks ago, I knew she’d come around” or “it’s probably my ex-girlfriend or one of her friends, trying to do this to see if i’m seeing other people” but then you find out the truth, the one you “didn’t expect” and you’re just completely dumbfounded! haha. Just as you said, you go over the nature of the conversation in your head, and say to yourself, “wait, what did I just do, what was I just a part of, is this a joke?, a set up?, were they serious?” But really, when you sit down, from the outside, and take a deep breath…(sigh) I can certainly see the humor in it haha, and thank you for the friendly reminder to point that out. I also agree with my response to the whole situation as telling me something, dormant perhaps. It is primairly a social fear, and I should be thankful that i’m being made aware of it and any latent homophobia I may not be aware of. I tend to have trouble detaching from other people’s opinions, but realize it should be none of my concern. We’re all in this together, thank you friend, for the advice, and the good laugh.

Thank you all again
for the wisdom, love, and kindness

Light
Bruce

June 22, 2014 at 3:33 pm #59350

@Jasmine-3
Participant

Thanks Big Blue / Bruce. Love the new phrase kick-in-the-pants. Have not used the phrase before but that’s exactly what I had intended to do with the post to Bruce. We are always so hard on ourselves due to fear of something or someone but often forget to realise that the child in us is tormenting not because of anyone else but just us. Who is going to tend to that child ? And the more we repeat our sorrows in written form or in our mind, the longer the process continues. Every action leads to an outcome (even if we do not believe in spirituality or any religion) and if all of us were told early on that whatever we think about or feel strongly about, the thing is going to become a reality in life, then perhaps we wont be so hard on ourselves.

Thanks John (love your last paragraph) and Matt.

Have a lovely Monday.

Jasmine
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