Edit: It depends on the State whether age of consent is 16 or 17. But the police talking to him will send a powerful message that this is NOT Ok! (I had a family situation, not like this, but something else. When they asked me what I would do, I said, “Scare him.” The kid’s face was white when he was done with “the talk”.) I know I got off your original question, but: Priorities.

OK, You have officially done All You Can.

You know how they say, “It’s a phase?” Well, I predict, when she’s 24 she will have grown into an elegant young woman. Hold on to that vision. Don’t let go of it, or scoff at it. Just say, “To when she’s 24!”

And go to the graduation. And enjoy it (whether she’s happy you’re there or not!) If she asks why dad’s not there, say, “For business”. She knows the truth.

Hang in there, Mother!! 🙂

• This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Inky.

Laura C,

I am sorry for the suffering and difficulties you are experiencing.

While difficult to see someone you share part of your being with come to potentially cause harm to their life and future, in the end, as each of us must do, we must remember that our journeys are ours to tread, our paths ours to walk, and our lives ours to live. The adversities themselves must be ours as well to suffer and overcome for they are ours alone to learn from to teach us our unique lessons. And, despite your efforts to help her, she has ultimately and unknowingly decided on the path she will take and must now solely endure what she is meant to endure.

I believe the best course of action now, according to my teacher’s teachings, are to stay kind, loving and compassionate. She will undoubtedly face difficulties, as we all do, and you and your husband must be there to be of continuous example to her both directly and indirectly, to be of support when she needs it, of guidance, of remembrance of the importance of kindness and of love. This way, she will always possess an obscure and inherent awareness of the virtues which are necessary to lead, or revert to, a more wholesome way of life. And, when she falters, perhaps in her own search for meaning, purpose and happiness, she may stumble upon these virtues deep inside herself.

As for attending her graduation, please do so despite her acknowledgement of your presence. Being there for her then and now are purely acts of love and ‘acts of love’ are never forgotten. While her mind and heart may currently be shrouded and veiled in misconceived and chaotic elements, be sound in knowing that this small yet grand act of being present will be etched deeply in her heart to be aroused at a time she very much needs it. Please convey this to your husband.

Finally, when she eventually turns 18 and still has her heart set on leaving, if you have the chance to speak to her prior to her doing so, earnestly express your eternal love, support and desire for her happiness to her. Whatever her reaction, take care in not unsettling the energy/atmosphere by responding negatively else cause potential lasting damage. You can do so by harnessing your love for her. This will help in keeping your nerves as calm as they can be. Please also share this with your husband.

All of your lives have been influenced by this event. However, though sad in nature, this does not mean all of your happiness and peace of minds can no longer be attained/maintained. One condition should not disturb and dominate the rest of our conditions (though more preferable if all were in equilibrium and at harmony). You can always choose to be happy. ‘Choice’ is always available. Hence, do not let one event ruin the rest of your life for your happiness is just as important.

I hope this helps and I will pray for all of your peace.

Al

Of course no one will believe a parent’s absence was due to “business” LOL. However, if Dad’s set on not going, and the Mom goes, and the daughter asks “Where’s Dad?” the options are:

1. Business
2. Not feeling well

or

3. “Well, Daughter, after putting us through hell…. (diatribe).”

I just don’t think Graduation Day is the time or the place to do #3.

Alternative: Implore the father to go as well.

Hi Laura,

You have received very wise advice here. I would also encourage you to attend the graduation, even if your daughter doesn’t acknowledge your presence there. It may not be evident, but I’m sure some of her friends, classmates, and teachers empathize with you and will admire your dedication as a parent for placing her needs before your own.

Your daughter sounds like she will have to learn some hard life lessons. It’s awfully painful to witness, but the best thing you can do is keep the lines of communication open. That doesn’t mean you approve of her decisions or behavior.

Your husband is hurt and feels rejected, and it is manifesting as anger. Unfortunately, his response is to hurt your daughter back. My advice is to help him re-direct his anger into compassion, perhaps by reminding him that your daughter is physically grown up, but emotionally very confused and doesn’t know how to establish her independence without being rebellious. Remind him of the happy times they shared. That sweet, loving little girl is still inside of her.

There is no tougher job than being a parent to rebellious teens, especially if they’re smart and resourceful. Be good and gentle with yourself. Your inner child needs nurturing as well.

Peace & Serenity,

Bill

Hi Laura,

Sending you positive energy and strength as you attend your daughter’s graduation. Kudos to you for placing your daughter’s feelings ahead of your own. Best wishes to your husband as well for Father’s Day.

In Kindness,

Bill