Could the 30 day no contact rule possibly bring me an an ex back together?

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This topic has 3 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 3 months ago by Glet.

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August 30, 2015 at 4:13 am #82578

Rachelle
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Recently he ended our 3 year relationship, out of the blue. It completely shocked me and I am devastated.

We live 2 hours by train from one another and make the relationship work by seeing one another at least 2 times, or once every month. We knew exactly what we were getting ourselves into. He told me last weekend that he had feelings for the last 6 months about our relationship (although we had been on holiday together within that time. I personally don’t get why he would of still seen me within that time period and not say anything to me about his feelings). Every time he was with me, up until this point, I would not have been able to tell you ‘I think my boyfriend is going to end things between us’.

3 years is a very long time to be with someone and he told me it was the longest relationship he had been in. He told me they were the best years of his life, that he still loved and cared for me but thought it was for the best. He said the main reason was the distance.

Out of sheer desperation, I obviously didn’t want to lose him, I told him we could make it work and that it was doable. He said he had made his mind up and didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore.

I asked him one night if he could ever see us getting back together, he replied “I don’t know”. The next day I asked if he could give me an answer other than that, he replied “I don’t think we will”.

He knows how much I love him, care for him and what to make this work. I was thinking about doing the 30 day no contact rule, to let myself grieve, but most importantly give him space for a month and then try to rekindle what we had. I have mixed feelings and emotions, a huge part of me believes that he still wants to be with me. I keep thinking that he was only doing this just to hear how much I loved him and didn’t want him to go. I keep imagining that he’s going to appear at my door next week and weep in my arms wanting me back. I keep thinking that he’s going to send me a text in a week or so and is going to apologies for what he’s done.

I’m going to write him a personal letter on day 30 and send it to his address. Do you think it would bring back the good times for him. Do you think it’s possible for him to rethink what he did and to talk to me again and take things slow? I’m not willing to admit that the relationship is over and he knows it. I don’t understand how someone could be so genuine in the way they say “I love you”, then the next week, drop this huge thing on someone.

August 30, 2015 at 5:22 am #82580
Inky
Participant
Hi retrocabbage,

The same thing happened to me in college. I blame/d the month he spent in the city, the brief time away from the routine. When they are in a new place, they associate that with new life, and thus anyone from their old life is bland and boring. (LOL). Maybe he met someone. Maybe he went somewhere new. Maybe he did something new. Something happened to make him associate new = good and you/old = not as good.

I don’t view the 30 Day No Contact Rule as “Ignore Ex for 30 Days. Then, write a letter!!” What that does (at least for me) is “Aaahhh, how nice my new life has been… Oh, Crap, a Letter!!” No, you don’t want that!

I view it as, “Ex contacts you in the middle of this month. Ignore him UNTIL a full month has passed.” It has to come from him. Bump: IT HAS TO COME FROM HIM. Give him time to miss you, contact you, then get that FEAR that he blew it with you.

Only then can there possibly be a renewed relationship. (Considering he didn’t give a real reason why he broke up!)

And let’s say he doesn’t contact you until two years later and you’re still single. Don’t write/call him back right away then either!!

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
August 30, 2015 at 8:34 am #82585

Anonymous
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Dear retrocabbage:

Did he tell you about the feelings he said he had for the last six months? About the nature of those feelings and associated thoughts? The answer to this question is of great importance in you figuring out what to do next.

anita

August 30, 2015 at 12:21 pm #82589

Glet
Participant

Hey there 🙂

I’ve been reading on alot of posts concerning the no contact rule..see I don’t have years of wisdom to impact to you…am only 19 but this is what I think concerning this no contact rule..

1.the first thing you need to ask yourself is why you want him back..make a list of those reasons and see which ones are genuine and not selfish…if that list includes reasons that suggest you want him back to validate you or for codependency purposes then I don’t think you should be taking this road..

2.i strongly believe that the right way of using the no contact rule is to focus on yourself..its all about healing yourself,its about giving yourself the time and space to recover from a breakup…and it doesn’t have to be 30days..it could be more…i believe that time should be for personal development

3.if you’re trying to use the no,contact rule to elicit a response from your boyfriend such as making him miss you or making him come back to you there are many things that could go wrong..for he could be back because he got lonely and not necessarily because of love and in the long run this turns out to be fatal…

I feel like the moment you make it a priority to get your ex back during the no contact you are torturing yourself mentally..you will find yourself wondering if he is missing you,if he is going to text you or what he is doing…which is not the point at all..the purpose of the no contact rule is to make you feel better about yourself and make you heal so that you will not be bothered by whether he responds to you or not if you do decide to initiate contact later….

while its possible that he may start to miss you during this time,please do not use it as your,primary reason..
use this time to improve yourself,to calm yourself so that you can think clearly and be able to reflect on your relationship and see if getting him back will really be healthy for you….

sometimes we are so focused on getting back someone and not letting go without really taking,the time to think of why we want this person so much….
so I hope that you use this time for you…

best wishes
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