Hi jon kirkham,

It looks like you’ve taken the first important adult step: Being consciously aware of how you’re reacting and why. Followed by vowing to tweak how you respond, and doing it before anything untoward comes out!

I hope your love also has success in not allowing you or her mom (or anyone!) to push her buttons.

Don’t worry about blowing it on your last date. Just be aware. And be flexible. Plans often go awry. It’s not what you do, it’s that you are together.

To continued success!

Inky

Dear jon kirkham:

Thank you for your kind words expressed to me on the other thread, greatly appreciated.

Regarding the first date, you wrote: “the intensity of the day itself caused me physical pain from a buildup of excitement and strong arousal… (from) intimate connection that does stimulate.”-

You experienced excitement, arousal, stimulation. That means that a complicated hormonal activity was taking place in your body. Simplified, here, what happened was that a surge of adrenaline was secreted into your blood causing multiple physiological responses which use up a lot of energy.

The day after, you met new people. Still riding that adrenaline wave, you ventured out of your comfort zone, bonding with strangers.

Following the adrenaline rush of two days or so, you are worn down “to the point of where I couldn’t talk or think. Drained… I maxed my mental energy.”- maxed mentally  and physically (as a matter of fact mental is physical)

Second date: “Straight away I was negative”- feeling drained is distressing in itself, so adrenaline is starting to build up again. Your plans didn’t work out, leading to some distressing self-talk, more adrenaline. At this point, you are so busy with distressing self talk that “it (is) difficult to see past this”.

Then she said she didn’t have much energy and having a tennis match the next day, your self talk now included the thought: “she (is) choosing her tennis over something ew and different for us!” This thought is accompanied by anger, and further increase in adrenaline release, following more negative thoughts follow (“domino effect”). Overwhelmed, you “just closed off” just as you did as a child.

You wrote above: “The trouble I have is the intensity of the emotions. Sometimes we revert back to being a child”, and: “I want to change and develop into a grown up who can handle situations where the emotions start to cloud and cause negative reactions. Being in control and looking at just the positives.”

To “handle situations where the emotions start to cloud” your rational thinking and cause ineffective behaviors, I suggest the following: first, on a regular, daily basis, keep your distress level as low as possible, do so by having an effective daily routine, one that includes some kind of aerobic exercise and distracting activities that are not unhealthy, as well as alone time. Remove from your day activities and people who cause unnecessary distress.

Pace yourself, notice when you are distressed (tired, hungry, uncomfortable, angry, fearful, sick, physically exerted, excited, stimulated) and calm yourself. In other words, keep track of your adrenaline release (simplified, as there are multiple hormones involved in the process). When you feel distress, do something effective to release it.

Over time, notice your self talk, the thoughts that happen in your brain and the distress that accompanies them. Then challenge your thoughts- if they don’t fit reality- correct them. The corrected thought will be followed by relief of distress. For example, the tennis match she mentioned. You could have asked her a question about what the match meant to her so to check your thinking for accuracy. If you found out that she was not choosing tennis over you, the distress accompanying that original untrue thought would have been gone.

There is more, I am sure, but this post is long enough.

anita

Dear jon kirkham:

You are very welcome. Thank you for your appreciation of me. Since Mindfulness, meditation and otherwise, is working for you, keep mindful. As you practice mindfulness, you get better at it, over time. There is always more to see, more to notice, more to learn about what’s always been there. Post again any time you’d like.

anita

Hi Jon,

I too, suffer from very intense, painful emotions which sabotaged many of my relationships. Most of it due to a very traumatic childhood, constant abandonment, severe neglect, emotional and verbal abuse, not getting the love and nurturing I needed as a child. Unfortunately, this has wreaked havoc in my adulthood, with my relationships with men, friendships, bosses, co-workers, and has left me with several mental health diagnosis, including Borderline Personality Disorder, which consists of impulsive, intense and painful as well as getting into co-dependent relationships. I have been in intensive DBT, REMT, and CBT therapy for several years. I was also put on Topamax for intense, impulsive emotion regulation. Since then, I have been less “intense” less “temper tantrums” less impulsive, my relationships have improved. There is help, there is hope. I hope everything works out. Keep us posted.

Dear jon kirkham:

Welcome back to your own thread. I like what you wrote here: “we are all the same at the core”- I agree. I believe we are all born loving and lovable, reaching out to others with trust and hope.

anita