Hello,

I love reading interesting stories, and yours really got to me. I know how it is to feel lost, and this post is great for sharing and helping others.

I am no monotheist, but I would like to share some insights about your thoughts and feelings. Myabe they would help you see things from a different perspective.

If you see it this way: Do you think God wants us to be misarable in this whole life? Probably not.

As time passes by we grow, we change and evolve to become better versions of ourselves.  Maybe you miss the person you were before. Don’t be so tough with yourself. Your feelings are ok, let them be. We are all humans, it’s just our nature.

You say you are trying to become a better person, that´s great. And you should do it just for yourself.

Life is just about ourselves. Just about who you are right now and who do you want to become. Seriously, fell in love with yourself, then you’d be able to see the real beaty of life: when you manage to project all the love you have within you and share it to the world. I mean that’s like heaven to me.

About the relationship with this married man: it´s true, desire often makes us blind to reality, but you could always learn from it. Don´t let it drag you further., feel guilty if you have to.

Accept it, ask and pray for forgivenes, then, just move on. Don’t get stuck thinking God doesn’t love you anymore, or worst, that you don’t deserve his love! Deep inside I’m sure you know the way. Trust me on this.

My best wishes to you and hope to read you soon.

Billy.

That is a long explanation, so I have first broken down the pertinent observations you made into point form for easier processing:

YOUR OBSERVATIONS:

• When you went to study abroad, you worsened toward being more outward, and less so inward.
• Relationship with best friend falling apart. Why? You have a manipulative personality.
• Need to understand relationship with God.
• Deep desires and temptations can feel a lot like intuition.
• Overly social personality resulting in affair with a married man.
• The relationship with the married man was possibly a deep desire, temptation or test. And also for emotional support for yourself.
• Overstep the boundaries of what you initially thought was to support him instead of also having an intimate relationship him. Guilt related to intimate relationship with a married man.
• Stress and deterioration of health from relationship and a full plate of work and studies.
• Upset and stressed over loss of hair for 5 years and consider yourself vain.
• Realizing relying on the external to find happiness is a fallacy.
• Because you sinned, you believe you deserve to be miserable.
• You think that your issue on this is not worthy compared to larger issues humankind are going through.
• You feel you don’t deserve to pray for a resolution because you did this to yourself and its related to karma.
• You tried focusing on becoming a better person, but ask “what is the point” because you don’t know how the situation will improve.
• Your ego is too big, Not sure how do you get rid of it.

COMMON THEMES:

Based on the observations you have made, would it be fair to say there are common themes? Namely,

1. You possibly have a manipulative personality, too large an ego, lacking introspection of yourself, misunderstanding if your desires/temptations are intuitions. And an uphill battle to improve yourself.
2. Guilt from having an affair with a married man, causing your physical and depression to deteriorate.
3. Questioning your self-worth because your issue is not important enough and a fatalistic attitude because you don’t know if the situation will improve.
4. A need for a deeper understanding between you and God.

MY OPINIONS:

The following are my thoughts, opinions and suggestions based on personal experiences.  Just a caveat that I may be wrong or there may be more suitable approaches that can help you resolve your issues quicker.

Based on your comments, it is obvious you conscience and thus a moral code you live by.  Likely a framework based on an Abrahamic religion.  In trying to live up to your moral code, you have run afoul of it.

Firstly, I can empathize with the emotional and physical turmoil you are presently encountering, as I have had challenges both emotionally and physically in my past.

So jumping right into the issues at hand, it is my opinion that one works hard to live by their moral code, but rare that one always attains it from the start.  I see it as more of a work in progress that one strives to attain fully in the future. Don’t be too hard on yourself.  Almost none start out being a Saint.  Many people work earnestly with learning, practice to grow in hopes to become one.  Even then, very few can attain this perfection. Think of a moral code not as a Law that must be met today, but that you work hard to improve yourself to strive to achieve one day.  This gives you bandwidth to work on being a better person, to transform and change over time to be better.

The guilt you have seems to be unforgiving, lasting 5 years now?  It has caused you long term physical and emotional suffering. As an aside, the hair loss may also be another sign.  A sign that there is a lack of harmony in you that can potentially lead to more serious physical issues? Your body may be warning you to change how you are dealing with this issue.   Do you think you may be punishing yourself for the affair you had (I assume it’s in the past now)?

Repentance can be a powerful tool.  Do you feel you have repented enough? Do you think it may be time to forgive yourself?  What’s done is done. We can only move forwards.  We can only learn and be better for that experience.

Also, forgiveness is a powerful tool.  You may want to forgive yourself of your mistakes.  We are only human.

By not letting go of the past, isn’t it a form of attachment?  This attachment has manifested in deteriorating physical health and depression.  If you continue to struggle with this attachment, you may want to understand more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Or different spiritual traditions have guidance on non-attachment, such as Buddhism.  It may help to free yourself.  A qualified health professional can help as well.

I’m not sure if it’s related to the guilt you are holding, but I sense that you can be too hard on yourself.  Blaming yourself for your predicament, and not allowing yourself to overcome your guilt.  This has led to you feeling that you haven’t changed and developed.  And even worse, that there is no point to it.  Another very powerful tool I suggest you can use is Love.  Love yourself in all aspects! Tell yourself that you deserve happiness, health, prosperity, stability, harmony, etc.

You have blamed yourself for something you consider a serious sin.  Does it mean you can’t move forward anymore?  You are working towards bettering yourself, studying for a Phd, and working full-time to support yourself and possibly others.  As you work hard to improve yourself in those areas, why not also be open to look inside to forgive and love yourself?

To answer the 3 questions you asked in the second paragraph, for the first, I think you have more than accepted the consequences, since you have been punishing yourself for years.  You have been judge, jury and jailer.  Metaphorically, don’t you think you have done your time?

The last question you posed: “having the right relationship with God”, that will require a separate post.  I will provide a follow-up post on my thoughts to that question and Point 1 (in common themes) as I believe there are inter-related.

And lastly, regarding my suggestions, throw away what you don’t think is useful, keep what resonates.  Let me know your thoughts.

Terence