Thank you so much anita for your reply. I was hoping you would answer me.

You are absolutely right. My son is my priority, this actually why I stayed in this marriage for so long. As stupid as it may sounds, I opted for my affair to have my needs met outside of my couple in order to not hurt anyone. I thought back then, that if I will get a bit of oxygen, I will be happier and stay a giving spouse and a good mother. It cannot excuse what I did, it merely explains what was in my mind.

Of course, in case I choose the divorce, I will put all my energy to make it as not harmful as possible for my son. I don’t want to fight, I don’t wish my husband any bad. I want us to stay friends and to help each other if needed. A civilized divorce.

Now, as I said, my son is the first factor which makes this choice difficult. Another one is the fact that my husband is not really evil. He is actually a nice guy and a good person. I think some would consider me fortunate enough. I always considered myself being a “bad guy” in our couple. I knew that a big part of my emotional needs were not met, but I felt safe, I knew he was loyal and loved me the way he could. I could cope and settle for less with him before his affair. Now I cannot push the reset button and just to adapt the way I did it before. After I have seen how creative and enthusiastic he was with her, I cannot settle anymore. Because now I know what he is capable of when he is “interested”. This makes me feel worthless.
The advice which is often given is to communicate. In my case, I really did everything possible. I did communicate my needs. I even gave examples of what I would like him to do. And it was not that demanding, believe me. He said he will but he didn’t.
Even now when he asks if he can be forgiven, because he feels a lot of guilt and he hurts, I tell him that it is not about forgiveness. It is about me to see what he can do for me. Because now I compare, I think this is unavoidable. I want him to show his love for me, not only through words, hugs and kisses, but through his actions. Again, he doesn’t do any bad, but any good either. He is apathetic and lacking energy, ideas and motivation as usual. He explains it by being emotionally drained with everything which did happened. He complains me being aloof when I don’t talk to him and when I start talking about what I feel, he says it drains him out… I feel I am stuck. It only works if I make a huge effort and start acting as if nothing happened. At the same time, if I do, it can work and we can spend the rest of our life together and my son will have both parents living together.
Am I selfish? After all it is not that bad, I am not being overtly abused. And if he hurts me, I truly believe he does it unintentionally. It is so difficult to make the decision about the divorce given all that. At the same time I am dying from inside. I am not functional, I cannot concentrate on anything else. I am in a lot of pain.

Thank you again anita for your invaluable support.

Hi Inky,

Never mind for sound judge-y. It is not easy to describe a 20 years log relationship in a few words. So, your opinion is very adequate and I need it too to get an objective opinion myself. I need to hear the other side opinion since my husband cannot communicate it clearly and always changes his mind.
I will try to answer your one by one.

I don’t really compare the affairs. I don’t believe one affair can be worst that the other. However, there are few things in his affair, which makes it very difficult for me to cope with. First of all, the affair was emotional only because she didn’t wanted. After they went out to a walk and then to a restaurant, he picked the one near to our house. He arranged for our son to stay at his friend house for the night. Then he invited her to come to see where he lives. (I was out for a business trip). He admitted he wanted to see how far things could go. So, should she accept, they would have done it in our home, probably in our bed (!). After that I don’t really care that they didn’t had a real physical intimacy. His intention was there and that is all that matters for me. Never it crossed my mind to invite my lover to my place, even though I could have done it on many occasion. For me my home was untouchable. My husband could afford to invite her to a hotel.

You are right he was devastated and I was feeling awful for having caused him so much pain. It was so unfortunate since I ended it 6-7 months before he knew and I did it on my own. When he confronted me I told him that I feel very remorseful, that I will respect any decision he will take, but I asked him to give me a chance to show him how much I love him. And this is what I did during the past fourth years. Day after day I took care of him, I became everything he wanted. The first year was good and he even told that he realizes his part in what did happen. That he made a lot of mistakes. Second year: he felt into depression pretending it was because of his work and started taking antidepressants. I was supportive and taking care of him all that time. Few month later he became very joyful and self-confident, lots of energy and lots of aggression and frustration towards me. I suffered, but I knew I got what I deserved and coped with it, still working and trying to fix things. At some point I could not bear it anymore and I asked him if he wants to split. He said he doesn’t and stopped taking antidepressant. Third year: I started having sever panic attacks and started taking antidepressants myself just to relieve the anxiety. Few weeks later he had another depression. No matter how much I tried to be there for him, to do things for him, talk to him, he was mean and frustrated to me again. Fourth year: he started taking another antidepressants which made him feel at ease, joyful, but not aggressive. This is where things started to improve and I finally thought we can be happy together. We were doing things together, he seemed all over me, very loving and caring. This is where he’s got his affair… Does all this mean he forgave me? I think it would be more human to tell he cannot than letting me work like crazy on our happiness, being mean and aggressive with me for 3 years just to end up having an affair himself. But maybe it is just me…

Yes, after 20 or 10 or 5 years things can get boring. However, when something bad happen to your spouse, you are supposed to be there, aren’t you? He did not met my emotional needs long before my affair. Just one example: when I my older son (1st marriage) left home because of a fight with me and didn’t show up for few weeks I was very nervous and anxious. When I asked my husband to comfort me in my pain, he only said: “what do you want me to tell you. All teenagers are like that” and resumed to watch TV. When a friend passed by he left me alone till 2 am at this difficult time when I needed him to be there. I don’t think it is too much to ask for. And I don’t think this is to be overly needy. Why then do we marry? To eat, to sleep, to pay the bills together?
Now, when he needed the support I always gave it him. He does admit it himself. I think you are being spot one when pointing parent-kid part of my message. This is right. He always was my third son rather than a husband, a man.
I offered counselling many times. I am more that whiling. He only says he cannot open up in front of a stranger, it is very difficult for him, that nobody knows better than him how he needs to live and that I should respect his privacy in that matter.
Thoughts?

Dear anita,

It is astonishing how your writing resonates with me. As if you lived with us and witnessed our conversations.
Yes, he is not a very deep person. Nice and easy – this is how he wants the life to be, especially when it comes to me. It has always been like that: after I got upset after he behaves poorly and want to talk to sort things out in order to make him understand what my problem is with the only wish to improve things, he shut down and stop talking to me. Then, after a while he would come to see me, to hug and to say that he is sorry. But this way the problems don’t get resolved. When I am trying to explain him what bothers me in a very-very nice way, he would get upset. “I came to apologize and you keep going on and going on”. This drives me crazy. It is like there is no way to establish an adult communication. A real childish behaviour.
However, when it comes to his needs and his fears and his issues, he can take months to dwell on it. No problem to talk about it wherever we go and whatever we do. And I am being his psychotherapist all my life. I contributed to his raised self-esteem, to his career, providing him with many insights. Always encouraged him.
You know it might sound extremely cynical, and I apologize for this in advance, but sometimes I think that if we are not equal in this area and I am taking all on my shoulders, why on earth we should be “equal” in other things, like affairs for example. So he thought because I did it he is entitled too. Now, the why on earth this rule of equality does not apply to the other areas of our life?
Even now, his main argument is: “Don’t you see how hurt I am for what I have done?! I am drained, I feel devastated. I feel even worst that when I found out about your affair. Isn’t it enough for you?” Well, no, it is not. It is all about him again. I want him to take care of my pain, not exposing his pain on me again. I told him that. He says “ok, tell me what you feel”. When I start explaining, he says his affair was not real and he never loved her, all he said to her was lye and he was not himself. He refuses to take responsibility. And no responsibility – no need to make up for it somehow. No need for additional efforts. So, I need to just forgive him and live happily ever after.
But I cannot! I know I am repeating myself, sorry about that. I need him to show every single day how remorseful he is. Not to telling me about his pain that he destroyed everything he had. This is very easy. I want him to go out of his way to show me how much he loves me. Not with hugs and kisses, but with real efforts. But as you said to make some changes requires a lot of work. It takes motivation, commitment, but also the ability, which I think he doesn’t have.
It was difficult to hide from my son that something is going wrong. Just to add to the misery, I found out about the affair while we were on a family vacations in Florida. The vacation I planned with so much love and joy. It was the second day. Needless to mention that the vacation was spoiled and my pain was even harder. I was in shock and agonizing. We needed to take time to talk and we did not take care of our son the way we wanted to. Fortunately, we were not alone, but with my older son family, so they took care of him. So, we had no choice to tell him that we are going through some difficult period which can sometimes lead to a divorce, but we will do everything possible to save our marriage. He said it will cause him some pain, but if this decision is what best for us, then he is ok. Now, he is 10 yo and what he tells might not reflect what he feels or how he will react if this happens.
Writing here is a real bless. I feel better. You know during these 4 years I cut all the social connections to be exclusively with my family. I use to have friends, I am an extravert and very outgoing. He didn’t like it that much. I changed my lifestyle completely. And now, I have no friends at all to talk to.