Hello Anita!

Thanks for your reply. He did break up with his ex-girlfriend. It was over a phone call but took almost 3-4 days to discuss their feeling about the situation and finally he ended things. After that they did not stay in touch. He contacted her only few days before her planned visit. She was here to visit her family for a week, so he met her only once during that time. Since he initiated the break up and he only got back in touch, she inferred he wanted to get back together. I would like to add, they were serious about each other and he had met her family on several occasions. Though his family stays in a different city, so she had not met his parents, but they knew about her.

Before contacting her, he came to me first and told me that he has been thinking about her. Also, I do not believe that they could have been possibly in touch online. He has been very honest with me right from the start. We were spending almost all the time together after work. Either I used to be at his place or he at mine after work and we would spend our weekends also together. He was so dedicated towards our relationship, that I don’t think he could have been with both of us at the same time.

It was his first serious relationship, so I understand his conflict. He should have taken some time to heal, he also regrets it now. I thought that since he was in LDR for the majority part, the same rules don’t apply.

Even when he first told me about his conflicting feelings, he just came to me looking for a discussion on how should we handle the whole thing. I felt so hurt that I told him to break up, but he suggested a break. He still keeps on checking with me if I am doing okay. He says he wants to be with me a 100%, but I am not sure if that is possible. In his confused state of mind, he is not able to convince me completely. So I would like your thoughts on this whole situation.

Dear Sofioula,

Thanks for your reply. You were not harsh, but what you said could be true. My friends also said the same. Actually he was in a 3 year relationship before. They had a live in relationship for 1 year during those 3 years but his ex had to leave the country for higher studies, for which she had plans already. So they decided to stay in a long distance relationship, which lasted for around 2 years. During those 2 years, they met thrice. So they had their set of beautiful memories as well, I suppose.

Yes, I  do fear that he might be keeping me as his back up gf. And I agree if I will ask him whether he loves me or not, he will not answer that as a complete unanimous yes.  However, he wants that as well, that I should be his no 1 priority and the only girl he thinks about, or atleast that is what he says to me. He just did not take time after his previous break up and in a few weeks started a relationship with me. I understand his point of view. He actually does deserve that space, and I am ready to give him that but I would like to break up whereas, all he wants is a break for sometime.

As someone who has already experienced messy relationships before, I see a pattern here, and he could go back and forth to his ex, but I could be wrong. I do feel he is worth the wait because of the time we had together. But I also agree with you that it will be emotionally and physically draining for me. Things would not be the same even if he comes back. I need to think about this more I guess. Thanks for putting the things into perspective. I have been thinking more about him and his dilemma and not about myself at all.

Dear Anita

He did mention it to me that it was not a good relationship. She did made him feel guilty at times. During there break up she even blamed him for initiating sexual intimacy between them, when it was all consensual. He is a sensitive man, and was very hurt by such accusations.  I have tried to explain him several times that it is not his fault. But I feel I cannot do this anymore, it was okay as a friend but now it feels like meddling.

He just wants to make sure that she is okay after the break up. He feels he owes her that because of the time they had together. I keep telling him that break ups are supposed to be tough and he will only prolong the pain that comes with the breakup if they will keep talking. It does gets frustrating for me as well, but I cannot tell him what to do and what not to do. He will have to figure that out by himself or otherwise he might end up even blaming me later.

He suggested that during the break, we maintain no contact and it could last few months (4-6 maybe). I agree on no contact during the break. Though we have to discuss in detail what break or break up would entail. But with break, the waiting does make me anxious, the possibility of him coming back or not. Whether he is in touch with his ex or not. Break up will mean, we will no longer stay in touch, I will not entertain the possibility of him coming back to me and will try to move on with my life.

Mark

Yes, I am planning on just moving on from this whole situation. Trust me he has shared a lot more! And obviously I did not like it a bit. He has been doing the same with her, sharing things about our relationship as well. I wonder why would he deliberately do that.

Removing myself from the whole situation would make things easier for me in the long run, though it might be tough for now. If he is not going to take a decision, then let it be.

Thanks for all your help. I feel much more confident of my decision after hearing yours’ and anita’s thoughts on this one.

Dear Anita

Thank you for your kind words. Yes, having that clarity does make me feel a lot better. However, I do feel that making the decision was the much easier part. In the last week there have been some rough days as well, but I guess that is just the part of process. Sometimes I end up thinking that if I will let myself completely move on, I might not want him later, if he decides to get in touch (which might happen or not). I am not able to shake that thought away. And I go down this rabbit-hole of thoughts- that it will take a lot of effort from both sides to even reach the point where we were. How I sometimes wish there was a way to pause just that part of my life as it is and not let it affect other spheres of my life.

I took the decision of breaking up to avoid any uncertainties related to my future and yet here I am, thinking about the same thing with a different angle! I understand that I need to give myself more time but sometimes the whole thing just ends up frustrating me!