If this is how i submit a topic, i think i want it to be “Confused on the word love So, as you can tell from the topic i chose to write about, its going to be about relationships. My relationship obviously lol. (also if it seems like i get off topic, i’m sorry, i don’t mean too. Just know it will all make sense in the end….hopefully) I’ve been dating this guy for a year and 1 month now, we shall call him Albert. It has been amazing and full of new experiences. He is my best friend and we have so much in common. He is about 2 years older than i, and i’m 18. The reason that i am writing this today, is because something is off. And to be fully honest, it has been off since the first day we got together. I have trouble explaining the way i feel and have it make sense to others, including my boyfriend. A little background for you to hopefully understand better, A year or two ago, i was friends with this guy, we’ll call him Bernard, we talked every single night on the phone, he invited me to his sporting events, etc. I never even felt attracted to him before becoming close friends. It was my birthday weekend and i was going to the fair with my dad and sister. Bernard also ended up being there and asked if we could meet up. We were hanging out and he also had another friend of his there as well, and it didn’t hit me until we got on one of those ski lift type rides, we sat together and i looked at him, and everything changed after that moment. I couldn’t tell you what it was because even to this day, i still don’t understand. I quickly figured out that i had gained strong feelings for him, and i had a feeling that he also felt something as well. He even wrote a song about me (never told me himself, but i have good resources). I thought for sure he liked me. I admitted my feelings for him after two months, and he didn’t reply. He still continued to talk to me though every night like i hadn’t just told him that. I knew that i shouldn’t get my hopes up so i wasn’t that bummed about it. A few months later, it was spring break. I was hanging out with one my good guy friends and Bernard got jealous and finally admitted that he liked me. I was sooo happy, happier than i’d been in a while. It was a little awkward at first, not to mention we are both shy as hell (btw I was 16 at the time and he was 18). He had just gotten out of a relationship that he had been in since he was in 8th grade,(and he was now about to graduate) and I had never really been in a relationship or actually talked and flirted with a guy I liked before. So it was all really nerve wracking and embarrassing, but in a good way. We came back to school the next week and i saw him for the first time since we left. I remember this because of how i felt in that exact moment, i can never truly explain, but we made eye contact for a good lil minute, and it felt so magical, i didn’t want it to end. Almost a week later, he came and picked me up before school and we went to his house, we kissed. It was terrible actually lmao, but i couldn’t stop smiling (which is so embarrassing to think about now). Skip to the next week, and this is where it went downhill. He started posting things on his story that included ” why do i always do this” or something like that. I asked him about it and he wouldn’t tell me. He started being distant and finally two days later, he told me he didn’t want to talk to me anymore because he was ‘depressed’. It was all very random and quite frustrating for me, I kept thinking I had done something wrong. I tried talking to his/my friends about it and they told me “He likes you, he just isn’t himself at the moment.” So i respected that and decided to just keep away. I was sad because i felt like i had just lost a close friend, We talked so much that I didn’t know what to do with the absent time i had on my hands during the late hours of the night. A little more into the next week, my friend in my class told me that he had been with another girl, I didn’t want to believe it because he stressed so much to me that he doesn’t want to be seen as a ‘player’. I realized that i had the right to know what was really going on. I texted him that same day, asking him if maybe we could talk in person or something. He replied he was busy and didn’t have time to talk. I went to catch my bus and i saw him with the same girl my friend told me about. We met eyes, and it was quite obvious that he looked scared that i saw them together. He ended up calling me that night. I asked him about what i was told, He denied it at first, then told me he was kind of drunk. Then admitted that he and the girl had sex. I felt like my emotions turned off , He kept talking and saying how she was better than me and that he had her now, so he didn’t care what i thought. He was telling me about all of the things that they had been doing those 2 weeks when i thought he was ‘depressed’.While he fell asleep on the face time, i stayed awake until it was time to go to school. I ended up not going and felt like i was stuck in a dark hole in my chest. Weeks later, i felt sorta better, but i still couldn’t get him out of my head. It was graduation day and i was in a crowd of people, looking for my friends to take photos, of course i see him and he sees me. I immediately turn around and try to act like i didn’t see him, he walks over to me and we talked, i congratulated him and asked if he wanted to take a photo. He said no, and left. That entire summer, we kept our “streak” on snap chat even though i probably should’ve not done that. So i pretty much was still sent photos of him and his new girl, all of the time. And even though, it always made me sad to see it, i never did anything to stop it. I hated myself for awhile, sometimes still now, for loving him like that, and it not being reciprocated like i thought it was. Even though i was sad that summer of 2018, It was actually the best, i became close with these guys and we hung out all summer (I mostly hang with guys sorry not sorry). Sometime in July, Bernard started texting me, i forgot why, and he asked me if he could come stay at my place because he had nowhere else to go, so i said okay but he had to leave early in the morning. He came over, we talked, caught up, laughed. It felt good to talk to him again. He asked if i could scratch his back and i said sure, after i did it to him, he did it to me. But he started trying to touch other places, i immediately felt anxious and pushed his hand away, he still kept doing it, until i used more force than the first time (btw it was literally so silent in my room, i honestly was speechless because i  had never been in a situation like that before so my ass was on “oh shit” mode lmaoo). Next thing I know, he is fast asleep, and I stayed up the whole night staring at him and contemplating why i would do this to myself lol. I woke his ass up at 6:30 on the dot, and told him he needed to go. It is now September and i am a Junior in high school, I still think about him but not as much as i did, which was good. He ended up coming down from college because of a bad hurricane. We somehow started texting and he said he wanted to hang out, ( by this time, him and the girl are now broken up) He came over to my house that night and we caught up once more. He told me him and his ex broke up because she faked a pregnancy and she was a waste of his entire summer, i laughed of course. We went downstairs to watch a movie and ended up cuddling. After he left, I kept thinking about things and what i wanted to do. I ended up deciding that I wanted to lose the you know what to him lol (yes, i know, i’m an idiot) SO that night, i sent an explicit photo  and I think he got the jist (when we were actually talking, we never talked about sex, like ever, so this was kind of new ground for us but for me especially). That entire week, we hung out everyday, he would come and get me from school and we’d get high and watch TV or just chill. That Friday, he came to my house the morning before i went to school, and happened. The funny thing is, we never talked about doing it or when we would, its like he knew i was ready that day. I actually hated it LOL and it was so awkward and cringe worthy. We also hugged afterwards for a minute and even that was awkward. But anyways, the next day i went to his house with my friend and he had two of his friends over, and we all got cross faded and it was a fun time. He walked us home around 4AM, i was kind of messed up, and i kissed him and he didn’t really kiss me back. It seemed like he didn’t want to, and i immediately felt embarrassed !! I think after that moment, i didn’t want him like that, even if i still had a little bit of feelings for him. When he went back to his college, we would face time every so often and i met some of his friends there. It is December of 2018, and it is winter break. This is where my now boyfriend comes into play. Bernard had invited me to a bonfire at his house, I went with my BFF (we’ll call her Anita), and it was alright i guess. That is where i officially met Albert. When Albert took us home later that night, he got our snaps and went home. Turns out, Anita left her phone in his car and we ended up face timing him on my phone. A week later, he had been calling me more frequently now. I thought it was kind of strange because of a bad run-in we had in the past, but I didn’t want to assume anything since i had only just really met him. Bernard went back to college and me and Albert started to talk more and more, we ended up going to their other good friends house (lets call him Colby). I posted it on my snap and Bernard saw it and seemed upset that i was with them. It was very obvious that Albert wanted to talk to me, but I thought he was just wanting to have sex (the first week we started getting know each other, he kept bragging about his “head giving abilities” lmaooo)  Any who, I was straight up with him and told him i didn’t want to talk to him because i had literally just done the DO, with his best friend. (OH, did i mention that they have been BFF”S since the fifth grade? yeah, i guess i’m one of those lmao) He apparently did not know that happened, he just knew we used to talk. I started to hang out more and more with him, i actually started to like him and thought he was fun to be around. One day, while i was at work, I had this random risque feeling to kiss him. So, I said F it, and made out with him when he came to pick me up from work. (and if i say so myself, I didn’t know how good i was at kissing until i met him) I felt an actual feeling when this happened, not the same feeling i got at the fair that day might i add, but a FEELING. We started kissing like ALLLLL the time. I didn’t know if i wanted to make it official (he most definitely did) but i know i liked what we were doing. The next week, we had sex, ON MY PERIOD BTW!!! I felt weird for doing it before even dating him, but then i decided to not think about it too deeply. We started dating March 2nd, 2019.  The first couple of months were pretty good, we didn’t fight or argue, and we were always together. This first time, i ever saw the real him, was the day i went to my dads coffee shop with my friend that was a male. I told him what i was doing and he immediately got angry. I had never received this type of anger from a guy i was talking too, only my dad. After that day, it only worsened.  He did not like me having so many guy friends, so a lot of my friends stopped talking to me. It made me sad for a while because i missed them. He asked me to have my location turned on and my read receipts, which is still a thing today in our relationship.  It made me really think about if i wanted to be with him after all that. Obviously i stayed, but the insecurity’s and jealousy issues, have not stopped since then. There have been many moments where I wanted to leave him, but the part about him where he is such a good person and so fun to be around, put all of those thoughts away. There was one time where me and Anita did acid, he already was annoyed because i was with her and not him, (btw not only did he not like me hanging out with my guy friends, he also got upset with me being with my girlfriends as well) Me and Anita stayed up all night just talking and walking outside, feeling pretty good lol. That morning, he called and i told him what we did that night, he didn’t say anything for a minute, but then he got upset because i went outside after telling him i was staying inside. Me and Anita were pretty confused on why he was mad, and when i say mad, i mean yelling and breaking things, mad. I told him to not talk to me and to leave me alone, and that did not help. Later that day, we sorta talked about it and i thought he understood what i was trying to say. The next week, senior year started. I’m not sure when this particular day was, but I was at my good friend, ‘Lucy’s house, my phone died and took about 20 minutes to turn on. When it finally did turn back on, Albert called me and started screaming at me, saying that my sister supposedly missed the bus and he ended up having to pick her up. He started saying i was lying about my phone being dead because his message delivered to me. He pulled up to Lucy’s house and was already yelling (btw lucy’s parents have cameras all of their house that have audio) I tried to explain to him that it was all a misunderstanding, but he wouldn’t even let me speak.Even when Lucy tried to explain it to him as well, he told her to shut the F up, while proceeding to call her a bitch.  So, i told him i was done with him and that he needed to leave. He didn’t leave at first but then he finally did. About 10 minutes after he left, he texted me apologizing, i ignored it because he couldn’t even say it in person. I absolutely wanted to end it with him after that. I told him i needed  a break. I also called Bernard and told him what he did. He agreed with me that he was crazy. That night, Bernard texted me, asking if i had broken up with him. I said somewhat but i still wasn’t sure what i wanted to do. All of a sudden, Bernard starts saying that he stopped talking to me because he was going to college and didn’t want to “hurt” me. It made me smile for some reason when he said that, but also annoyed. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said he thought i was in the wrong hands, and that he didn’t like the way Albert treated me like i was his ‘property’. Quite confused now, i asked him whose hands do i belong in then lol, and he replied “Madeline, don’t”. I actually laughed because I was genuinely confused on wtf he was trying to tell me, and then it made me mad because of course he would try to say all of these things NOW that i have a BOYFRIEND!!! But even though i was puzzled on what to do and what even was going on. I realized something. I grasped that I love my boyfriend, but i am not IN love with him. And the more I thought about it, the more mad it made me that i actually started dating him, KNOWING that i did not feel that same way i felt about Bernard, but continued to move it forward. I really just wanted to get over him, so I thought, well, i think i like this guy, maybe i should actually give this guy a chance and see where it goes. But, isn’t the best part about love, butterfly feelings, the feeling of excitement of seeing or talking to that one person, not thinking about anyone else, being able to stare at them and forget anyone else is in the room. I recognized that i did not get any of those feelings with Albert. Every once in a while i would feel a little spark when we kissed, but it always went away.If you have read up until here, I greatly appreciate your patience with me. I am here because now I am experiencing a different feeling. For half of my relationship with Albert, I have continuously argued about the same thing over and over again.  Even now, we still argue over silly things, but I’ve always tried my best to give him the benefit of the doubt and try to help him be better and maybe not so angry about such little things. I’ve been staying with my boyfriend most of the time in “quarantine”. The first day I finally went back home, I noticed he was distant for a couple of days, he wasn’t texting me as much, and was not telling me what he was doing. I wasn’t really thinking about it too much, but even with all of the trust issues he has, he has been the only one to do some sus shit AKA SUSPICIOUS THINGS . SO, ever since a certain time, I’ve lost some trust. Anyways, sometime last week, i was texting him and he was not replying, whatever. I called him an hour later and he picked up immediately and was playing his game, alright whatever. He then tells me he was going to get stuff and he would call me later. It was probably an hour later and he still had not texted or called, so i called again. He was in the car and told me he needed to serve someone, IYKTYK, so i said okay just call me when you get home. I look at his location about 30 minutes later and it said he was home, but no text or call, so i decided to just wait for him to. About an hour later, he finally texted me saying he just got home. I was confused bc it said he was home the entire time. SO, i got upset from feelings building for the last 4 days of him doing stuff like this since i left. I told him he didn’t just get home and that i needed to come get my card from him. I pulled up to his house and his brother was just leaving, I called twice, no answer. i decided to go inside and i couldn’t find him anywhere. I finally find him outside with (lets call her Cindy) and his sister-in-laws brother. Cindy is Albert’s sister-in-laws cousin. BUT Cindy and Albert talked and used to do things with each other before his brother married Cindy’s cousin, and somewhat after they were married. Before this day, I had already felt a little weird when they were around each other, i could literally see with my own eyes and feel it, that it was different when she was around. He seemed more energetic and just different in general. I noticed the way they looked at each other as well. It made me quite jealous. Back to the point, i see them outside together and it immediately made me more upset than i was. Albert was acting like he didn’t know why i was mad. I was mad because I felt like it was unfair that he made it seem like i could not talk or hangout with anyone else of the opposite gender, I always had to tell him where i was going, who was going to be there, and if i was staying the night or not. But for him, he could go days without telling me anything. I felt like he was being a hypocrite and what made me mad about Cindy being there, is not technically her because i don’t get a bad feeling from her, its him that i get it from. But it just made me upset because he hadn’t told me anything about what he was doing or who he was with and it just so happens , he was with her.He told me that he left his phone at the house to take his friend home because it was about to die. i was like why couldn’t you just have said that !!? LMAOO like its so hard for him but i have to do it or i’m getting my phone blown upppp. I left and went to the pool in his neighborhood just to think about some things and to make sure i was mentally thinking correctly. His new house is across the street from the pool, and his sister and mother were there at the time. They invited me there and i was talking to his little sister about what just happened. She also told me that she saw what i was talking about between Cindy and Albert. SO i knew for sure, that i wasn’t crazy. A little later on that night, Albert started to blow my phone up and yell at me because he saw i was there with his family. I left to go and talk to him but he ended up coming to me. I was already heated from him yelling at me so i automatically had an attitude. We talked for a good minute, but i still felt like he didn’t really care about what i was saying. His mom then called him and asked him to come inside. He went inside the new house, and his little sister came out a few minutes later telling me that his mom just got on that ASS for yelling at me, and pretty much said what i said. She told me their older brother also said, he saw Cindy and Albert flirting, very innocently though. Albert then came outside, with an entirely different attitude and hugged me. It made me feel better that his mom was on my side, because Albert is a lot to deal with by myself. A couple days later, it is like 1AM, I get a call from Albert and he sounds really mad. He is saying that apparently his little sister, told Cindy’s sister,that I said I wanted to kill her. Which was most definitely not true, Albert’s sister asked me “What would i do if i caught them together” and i answered honestly of course and said i would beat both of their asses lol. I automatically wanted to talk to Cindy because it’s not that i don’t like her, its just the flirting part i don’t really like. (she also has a husband btw) I talked to Albert’s sister-in-law, and Cindy. I was up until 4AM, and Albert was being a complete asshole, even though he stated that he was defending me, he was somehow still taking his anger out on me. I told him that i wanted to talk to his little sister in the morning when she woke up. I came over that morning before Albert went to work and talked to his sister, next thing i hear is Albert yelling ” YOU HAVE BEEN IN THERE TALKING FOR AN HOUR” so i get an attitude mixed with confusion because that is the reason i came there. As you can probably tell, we ended up arguing because i was trying to tell him he was like 1% of what was going on but somehow he was more mad than anyone else. We took the yelling outside and he kept hitting the wheel. I barely remember what was said because of how stressful it was. he ended up leaving for work, and i sat in my car and cried. I felt so weird and as much as i wanted this weird feeling in my throat and the bottom of my stomach to go away, it just wouldn’t. Our entire relationship, I’ve never felt like this, but this feeling is just sitting there and i feel like something is going on, but i don’t know what it is. I ended up texting Albert saying i wanted to take a break from each other for the day, and that just made him more mad and he called screaming again. I stayed with his sister and sister-in-law all day to keep me from texting him. Later during the day around maybe 6PM, his sister-in-law told his mom what happened and the things that i told her he’s done. He then started saying he was going to off himself with his gun, and his mom and his sister-in-law left to go see him. I didn’t know what was going on until his little brother told me what he overheard. I tried calling and texting and he wouldn’t answer, i got kind of scared and started thinking this was all of my fault. 

• This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by tinybuddha.
• This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by tinybuddha.