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confused if he really likes me

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  • #371919
    Anna
    Participant

    Hello,

    It’s been a while I wrote something in this forum. I have this guy who seems like he is interested in me. Due to pandemic, we are unable to travel and see each other.

    We text everyday from ‘good morning’ text to ‘good night’ text. We also do video calls quite often. At least once a week for an hour or more. We are like the best of friends right now. We share all our secrets with each other. He tells me a lot about his past and of all the girls he dated or slept with. There is nothing he hides me.

    I would be the first one he texts if he is sad or happy or sick or even have good news.

    He also mentioned that he likes it when I am around. He finds comfort in me and I am the only person he trusts the most he says.

    However, I am confused if he really likes me as when he talks about his past, he would say things like he doesn’t regret sleeping with so and so and in details. But he doesn’t talk about any girls he likes right now. I don’t know. Is that normal? Or is he treating me like one of the guys?

    I know the best is to ask him directly if he likes me but I would like to see what you all think about before I approach himt. I am scared to ruin our friendship or whatever we have.

    Hoping someone can help me clarify my doubts.

    Thank you in advance,

    Anna

    #371923
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anna:

    I will read and reply to you when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. I hope other members will reply to you as well.

    anita

    #371927
    Anna
    Participant

    No problem. Thank you so much Anita!

    #371939
    Michelle
    Participant

    Anna, can you give more of a backstory about how you met, and the circumstances that led to you talking more and more?  Were you dating and seeing each other in person before the  pandemic? Another question, how do you feel about him?

    #371941
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Michelle,

    We’ve known each other since young. His parents and my parents were friends. He was like my sibling up until recently where I think we both got closer.

    We weren’t in touch for a long time until 2 years ago when he broke up with his gf. I was the only person he would talk to about it.
    however, things have change recently where we would text every single day and we’ve got closer than before.

    We met a few times before pandemic.

    I feel I am too attached to him and I think he is pretty attached to me too. The reason why I said that is because if he doesn’t hear from me for a few hours, he would ask if I saw his message.

    #371979
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anna:

    I will summarize what you shared about this man and your relationship with him in July this year, and most recently, five months later, at the end of December:

    His parents and your parents were friends, so you  know him from a young age, like a sibling. The two of you were not in touch for a long time until two years ago, when he broke up with his now ex-girlfriend and he talked to you about that breakup. The two of you live in different continents (U.S. and Germany) and met a few times in-person, before the pandemic.

    In July the two of you talked “every single day from morning till night”, having 3-4 hours long video calls, sharing a lot with each other. He was your “most trusted person”, and he told you that he trusts you more than he trusts himself, that you are “the only person that he trusts the most”, that you are “the only person he shares all his secrets” with, that no one could replace you and that he is “grateful and blessed to have” you in his life.

    You also shared that he was “hot and cold… very moody.. can seem to be hot and cold some days”, and when you think that he is interested in you at any one time, he talks/ behaves “totally opposite the next hour”.  Also, he “talked about some girls messaging him but he did not mention about him interested in them”.

    Five months later, Dec 30, you shared that you still text every day from “good morning” to “good night” and video call at least once a week for an hour or more, “like the best of friends”. He still tells you that you are “the only person he trusts the most”, and he shares all his secrets with you, including “about his past and of all the girls he dated or slept with”, telling you “things like he doesn’t regret sleeping with so and so and in details. But he doesn’t talk about any girls he likes right now”.

    Back in July, you felt that the friendship was “like a relationship but of no title”, you were “afraid to lose him”, your mind was “all over the place and confused”, and you wondered back then: “does he treat me like his best friend or a therapist of some sort? What am I to him?… Are we both falling for each other? Or it’s normal?”. In December, you asked again about the friendship/ relationship: “Is that normal? Or is he treating me like one of the guys?”

    You wrote yesterday that you know that it is best “to ask him directly” if he likes you (as a girlfriend), but you want input before you ask him. You wrote: “I am scared to ruin our friendship or whatever we have. Hoping someone can help me clarify my doubts”.

    My thoughts today: you asked a few times if this is normal. I believe you asked this because part of you feels that there is something abnormal about this friendship/ relationship, that something is not right-  and at this point, I am inclined to agree with you that something is not right here.

    I believe I know what is happening on your part because you expressed it clearly: you feel very close to him and you want this friendship to become a.. normal/ traditional boyfriend-girlfriend (bf-gf) relationship, be it long-distance.

    My best guess as to what is happening on his part is that (a) He is very lonely, spending a lot of time alone, and you are his main social-interaction. (b) He feels safe with you in the context of the long-distance texting/ calling/ video calls interactions as friends only. (c)He knows that you are interested in him as a bf, but he does not want to be your bf. (d) When he feels that you are becoming emotional, like a girlfriend would be- he turns cold toward you, securing the boundaries of a strictly-friendship relationship.

    I think that he shares with you the details of his past sexual interest and experiences because he derives some emotional/ sexual pleasure from telling you those details, knowing that a woman who is interested in him as a bf is hearing those details, wishing she was the one to experience those sexual details with him.

    I think that he does not tell you about current sexual/ romantic interest and experiences with other women because he is currently and has been for some time, very lonely, spending a lot of time alone, so he has no experiences to tell you about.

    If he has had current romantic/ sexual interests in other women, I don’t think that he would tell you about those because he knows that you are interested in him as a bf, and he is afraid that if he tells you about current romantic/ sexual interests- you will withdraw from him.

    I think/ guess that he wants to keep you interested in him as a bf so that you will continue to be excited and invested in the interactions with him, being an enthusiastic audience to his stories, etc., but he does not want to be your boyfriend. He is interested in a feature of a bf-gf relationship, not in a bf-gf relationship.

    You are welcome to let me know what you think and feel about my thoughts this morning.

    anita

     

     

    #371982
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You know what… you are totally right. I think there is something wrong. I am going to try distancing myself in the new year and see how things go. I will try to act cold too and see as well.

    Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. It’s really helpful. I never really thought about it the way you did.

    Anna

    #371984
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anna:

    You are welcome. I think that it is a good idea that you give up hope that he will pursue you as a girlfriend, and that you distance yourself from him. Feel free to post again anytime.

    anita

    #371985
    Anna
    Participant

    Sure, will do Anita. I will keep you posted too. Thank you for listening and Happy New Year!

    #371987
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Thank you, Anna, and a Happy New Year to you too!

    anita

    #372016
    Lilyana
    Participant

    Hi Anna,

    I agree a lot with Anita’s assessments; however, there are a few things I wish to add. I have not gone through your old posts in detail as Anita has, so it is possible that I am missing some context here, but if you also enjoy his company and friendship minus the issues you mention, I think it is worth having a few conversations with him instead of passively, “distancing…[and] try[ing] to act cold and see.”

    While it is possible he is acting this way to his advantage, it could also be that he is simply scared of going into a relationship with you. He may similarly be worried of what may happen if you become bf/gf and it ruins the friendship. If that is the case, perhaps a candid conversation about it may be better than assuming the worst of his intentions and disappearing from his life?

    Personally, I have made a lot of mistakes in friendships and relationships in general, but I have been able to grow the most when people care enough about me to give me the benefit of the doubt and have a conversation with me about issues.

    Let me know what you think,

    Lilyana

    #372229
    Anna
    Participant

    Hi Lilyana,
    Sorry for the delay. I just saw your message today.

    Thank you for your reply. You are also right about having a candid conversation.

    Here’s an update for you and Anita –
    On New Year’s Day, he said he is thankful for me. He said he did not have anyone close to him throughout last year nor he needs anyone as he had me. And says he will always be there for me just like how I am always there for him.

    I am confused sometimes. The way he say things to me just melts my heart and I am unable to act cold even if my head is telling me to.

    Anna

    #372230
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anna:

    On Dec 31, I wrote to you: “I think/ guess that he wants to keep you interested in him as a bf so that you will continue to be excited and invested in the interactions with him, being an enthusiastic audience to his stories, etc., but he does not want to be your boyfriend. He is interested in a feature of a bf-gf relationship, not in a bf-gf relationship”, and you wrote: “You know what… you are totally right. I think there is something wrong. I am going to try distancing myself in the new year and see how things go. I will try to act cold too and see as well.”.

    On New Day he told you that he is thankful for you, that he doesn’t need anyone close to him because he has you, and that he will always be there for you as you are always there for him. These words melted your heart, and, you are “unable to act cold”-

    – no reason to act cold, Anna! Act hot, so to speak- meaning after he tells you these sweet things that melt your heart, ask him .. hotly: then why don’t you want to be my boyfriend???

    Yes, ask him that hot question. It will probably freeze him because he wants to keep you interested in him, that is all, according to my best understanding, at this point.

    anita

    #372231
    Anna
    Participant

    lol Thank you Anita! I will try to ask him and see what his reply is. I’m just scared the response will be negative and not something what I want to hear.

    Anna

    #372232
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Anna:

    You don’t “want to hear” him say that he does not want to be your boyfriend, but.. he doesn’t want to be your boyfriend while not saying it, and while you are therefore not hearing it.

    What you are afraid of is.. what is already there in between his sweet expressions: it is about bringing up to the surface what is already there, it is about demanding straight forward honestly instead of  dishonest games. Do you see my point?

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 18 total)

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