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Confused between my past and the present… Wanna figure out the future.

Home→Forums→Relationships→Confused between my past and the present… Wanna figure out the future.

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  • This topic has 11 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 4 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 11 posts - 1 through 11 (of 11 total)
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  • March 24, 2021 at 10:43 am #376490
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kitty:

    You shared that you met Sid four years ago in school. He was shy. One day a guy at the back bullied him and you took a stand for Sid, gave the bully “a savage reply” that rendered him speechless and made Sid laugh. It was only when you and Sid were to move to different cities, that Sid and you confessed/ proposed and a long-distance relationship ensued, the “first serious relationship for us.. No dates, no movie nights, no hanging out, no holding hands, no hugs”. The two of you did engage in “virtually fantasizing about each other and sexting”.

    After 1.5 years of LD relationship, the two of you lived again in the same city for nine months, but saw each other only once or twice because your respective parents are strict and do not allow dating. Eventually you broke up. Sometimes you are okay with the two of you being buddies, but at other times, you “crave him.. emotionally and sexually”.

    There is another guy that you currently like very much, Jake. He is “awesome.. great.. down to earth and understanding”, and the two of you expressed your interest in each other. You are confused about whether what Jake told you was rude or not.

    You don’t know whether to choose Sid (“it’ll still be long distance”), or Jake. I can ask you a few questions that may help you to feel less confused and more clear. If you choose to answer me, please keep the answers as short and as factual as possible.

    1) Approximately, how old are you, Sid and Jake?

    2) Do the three of you live with your respective parents?

    3) What are Sid’s plans for his future, Jake’s plans, your plans?

    4) For how long will Sid be long-distance from you, if you renewed the relationship with him?

    5) Will Jake’s parents allow him to date you, to go on movie nights etc., and hang out?

    6) When you wrote regarding Sid: “There were many complications and problems between us. It was also getting a little toxic”- what were the complications, problems and what was toxic?

    7) What did Jake say that might have been rude?

    anita

    March 24, 2021 at 11:26 am #376493
    kitty
    Participant

    Hey @anita thank you so much for reading this and trying to understand my situations.. I’m answering in most appropriate way possible.

    1) I’m almost 18, Sid is 18 running and Jake is almost 18 too.

    2) Yes we live with our respective parents, but the thing is my dad is strict about all this, Sid’s parents are kinda strict when it comes to relationships too but Jake’s parents are totally chill.

    3) Sid is in the medical path, giving entrance(NEET) and want’s to be a doctor in future, Jake is planning to do engineering first to be stable on his own and wants to do photography and/or film making on his own expenses, I am also planning to be a software engineer. (Jake and I are giving engineering entrance-JEE for that).

    4) I don’t really know.. cuz we’re not sure about the cities in which we’ll be getting admission but maybe chances are we will be able to meet more often as most probably we won’t be living with our parents.

    5) Yes, in fact he’s about the fact that if we will be in relationship, first one to know will be his parents and he’s planning to tell his mom about me in a few days even if we’re  not in a relationship yet.

    6) Actually there was possessiveness from his side, and there was the fact that when I wanted him by my side (when I was at my bad times), it didn’t really felt like I have a boyfriend cuz virtual communication was not that good and yet he thought that it wasn’t a big deal and said “we can’t do anything and we aren’t gonna die if we don’t meet” and that made me think that somewhere, he didn’t miss me as much as I was missing him.

    7) Actually, Jake and I were full on flirting romantically from few days and all those good morning and goodnight texts were there, but the day he told me that he was also interested in me, and I reacted accordingly as I was happy, but later that night, when he suddenly got offline and I texted goodnight, he behaved like “stop being so cheesy we’re not dating yet” but maybe he was just being sarcastic and humorous…

    kitty

     

    March 24, 2021 at 11:47 am #376495
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kitty:

    Jake’s comment, “stop being so cheesy we’re not dating yet” does not at all seem rude to me (unless he said it in an angry voice). Jake seems like a better choice. Maybe your attraction to Sid has to do with the fact that he was your first relationship, first romance and such.

    I don’t see any benefit to choosing Sid over Jake, do you?

    anita

     

     

    March 24, 2021 at 12:28 pm #376499
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear kitty:

    You wrote: “my dad is strict about all this”-

    – this makes me think that being in a long-distance relationship (with Sid) does have an advantage: fewer chances that you will get in trouble with your dad because in a LD relationship, there is no chance that (1) your father will find out that you are spending alone, in-person time with a guy, (2) you can’t get pregnant long-distance, and (3) you can’t get a sexually transmitted disease (STD) long-distance.

    What I am trying to say is that I am concerned about having given a not yet 18 year old girl advice about having a boyfriend who lives in close proximity, being that you are so young, that you are living with your parents, and that your father is so strict: I don’t want you to have troubles with your father/ at home, and I don’t want you to get pregnant or get am STD.

    Are you aware of the risks of having sex in real-life (pregnancy, STDs, emotional costs)?

    anita

    March 24, 2021 at 8:30 pm #376517
    kitty
    Participant

    Dear anita: I’ll be turning 18 (complete) in the month of June, and my dad lives elsewhere (in another state) due to work but the thing is even when I and my family wet to stay with him for 9 months during pandemic, I was in relationship with Sid and he was also in same city, my dad had caught us when once he suddenly checked my laptop and found the folder in which I saved memories and photos of him. then after the 2nd time he caught us, we were trying to meet and that time he straightway called Sid’s dad and talked roughly.. that was hella bad situation for both of us. Afterwards I decided to call his mom and apologize for my dad’s words and i told her that it was a big misunderstanding.. she just said one thing “It’s ok child, but It’s a crucial time for you all, focus on entrance” ..

    the thing is, both his parents and my dad won’t have any problem once he and I get a good college and go at the path of being on our own.. I guess being in relationship was/ is a problem just because I’m not in a college yet, and I’ve understood this fact now. As to talk about Jake, he himself has this mindset from the beginning that he wants to date after he’s in college and hasn’t dated anyone yet and so we’re not in relationship yet.. neither is Sid since we broke up but I’m in such a weird state in which I’m being my ex’s friend and we share each other many things, he also talks about this girl he’s slightly attracted to in his class.. and I don’t have problem with that, but I chose not to tell about my attraction because, I know he’s possessive and moreover he says It’s just an attraction with that other girl and doesn’t wants to be in relationship even In college.. (but I’m exception he says)

    So the thing is he isn’t moved on yet or he doesn’t wants to be in any relationship (until he becomes doctor he says) but I think that he’s just giving himself peace by thinking somewhere in his mind that in future, we’re gonna be dating no matter how long it takes… see that’s the problem, he doesn’t understand the fact that I can date other people.. the one with whom things would actually work out.. and that’s why, if I’ll tell him even the slightest about Jake, he’ll get all angry and jealous… the thing is I really don’t want to break his heart by telling him about Jake.. and I’m not certain about our (my and Sid’s) future together… I’m stuck in this situation as it feels kinda wrong to not tell him about jake because everytime we talk, he (sid) indirectly tries to say and reassure that we’ll be together afterwards maybe and he still wants to meet if we again be in the same city (in vacations) after our exams and at this point I really don’t know what to do..

    We’ll be going to college this year after the respective entrance exams we’re taking

    Kitty💜

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by kitty.
    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by kitty.
    March 25, 2021 at 2:51 am #376521
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Kitty,

    There are many uncertainties in your current situation, but what’s for sure is that neither Sid or Jake want to date till they enter their respective colleges. The big difference being that Sid doesn’t want to date at all until he finishes college, whereas Jake wants to, once he gets in. What is also sure is that Sid’s parents are strict and it appears he’s afraid of them more than he’s attracted to you, because he visited you only twice, even when you were in the same city.

    If I understood well, you broke up with Sid mostly because of long-distance, i.e.  mostly because of you because he’d be fine with long distance, since he wants to focus on his studies anyway, and dating isn’t his priority. Once, when you felt bad and needed his support, he even told you “we can’t do anything and we aren’t gonna die if we don’t meet”. This tells me that he isn’t that disturbed that the two of you aren’t together at the moment. He’s assuring you that you’ll be together after college, and in the meanwhile he seems pretty cool about you not being together. He’s even telling you about a girl he likes.

    My impression is that you’re actually afraid that you’d lose both Sid and Jake because if you tell Sid about Jake, he’ll get angry and jealous (you said he was possessive in the past), and you might lose him forever. But I believe you might lose him anyway, because he doesn’t seem as attached to you as you are to him. Four years of college is a very long time, and in that time, both you and he might have multiple relationships. You’re young and so many things can change. So the fact that he’s telling you that you’ll be together later might be just something he’s telling you to make you feel better – unless he really has a strong intuition that the two of you are meant to be together. But if so, he wouldn’t be having crushes on other girls, I suppose.

    What I am trying to say is that even though you believe Sid couldn’t live without you (“the thing is I really don’t want to break his heart by telling him about Jake”), I don’t think he would be that heart-broken as you believe he would. My impression is that you’re more invested in your relationship/friendship than he is.

    So my suggestion is to take a look at what you want, and not worry so much about Sid, because Sid will most likely be fine. But will you be fine without him, that’s a question. Try to answer that question for yourself, honestly.

    March 25, 2021 at 4:47 am #376530
    kitty
    Participant

    Thank you so much @teak I think you’re somewhat right

    March 25, 2021 at 5:04 am #376532
    Tee
    Participant

    Dear Kitty, you’re welcome. If you want to share some more, please do so.

    March 25, 2021 at 7:57 am #376539
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kitty:

    Your parents are right: “It’s a crucial time for you.. focus on entrance”. Better you don’t get distracted by a relationship, and instead- focus on your exams and education. So many, many girls/ young women lose their way because of a supposed love that leads them to a life (a) without education and a career, without a way to make money and (b) without love, as the relationship fails to deliver its promise.

    The girl feels like there is so much promise in a relationship, she focuses on it and… loses everything. So, please keep in mind the first priority in front of you: exams, education, career.

    As far as Sid: (1) no reason to tell him about Jake, it is not his business: there is no relationship in your life at the moment that requires your loyalty to this or that man. He may be possessive of you.. but he doesn’t have the right to be possessive of you. Plus, no reason to trouble him with something that is not his right to know.

    (2) I don’t think that Sid is a good candidate for a future relationship because while in a (limited)  relationship with you, “when we both were in the same city for 9 months, he only came to meet me once or twice”- this is a poor relationship performance on his part: I give him a Fail grade. His motivation to see the girl he claimed to be in a relationship with was poor and did not propel him to do what it takes to see her. This may be an indication of him having poor relationship motivation & performance later on, if you were in a relationship with him again.

    If I was you, I would figure Sid out of your future (“Wanna figure out the future” is in the title of your thread). You want a man with a relationship grade of a B or an A, not an F. If a communication with him as a friend-only is not possible, and if the communication with him troubles you, as it currently does  (“I am stuck in this situation”) ,then better you end all communication with Sid.

    *By the way, how is it that you don’t know if he came to see you 1 time or 2 times, don’t you remember?

    In regard to Jake, he seems more promising than Sid, but don’t zero in on him as The One. Instead, think of him as a possible One, someone to evaluate later on, as a candidate for a relationship. He is a better candidate than Sid, but there may be better candidates that you didn’t yet meet.

    The reason Jake is a better candidate is because he “has this mindset from the beginning that he wants to date after he’s in college”- indicating to me that (1) he may be a responsible young person and that (2) he has better relationships with his parents (he doesn’t hide a romantic relationship from his parents, and does not sneak behind their backs, like Sid did).

    A man who has a good, trustworthy relationship with his parents is likely to be a good relationship/ marriage candidate than a man with a troubled relationship with his parents.

    anita

    March 25, 2021 at 1:31 pm #376559
    kitty
    Participant

    Dear @anita :

    thank you so much for making me understand all this and of course I’ve kept my education and my career 1st priority from the beginning…

    as about Sid, yes, that’s what I needed to hear cuz somewhere in my mind, I felt he wasn’t that attached to me that much or maybe took me for granted whereas for me, I gave him much more importance than he did.. I got connected emotionally and missed him and when I told him this (even in the same city) he was like “yeah what can we do let’s hope to meet someday”

    *and yeah I remember, we met twice for a short period of time.

    and maybe It’s because the fact that his parents didn’t wanted him in a relationship before college, but then, yeah mine too didn’t but I still chose him because I knew I wasn’t letting it affect my studies.. at the same time he knew it too (he’s great in studies too) but I guess he didn’t really took that much risk for me as much as I did. I agree he’s not good for future but who knows…

    as about Jake, I don’t know much about him as a date/bf and I’m yet to discover.. and as u said, yes he might be a better candidate.. exploring is better than making a wrong choice. I just wanna see how things work out with him.

    Kitty

    March 25, 2021 at 2:28 pm #376562
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kitty:

    You are very welcome. I think that Sid is a waste of your time and emotional resources.

    “I agree he’s not good for future but who knows”- if in the future he actively pursues you (more than with words) and makes impressive efforts to see you and treat you well (…beyond words), efforts that he hasn’t make so far- then you can re-consider him as a candidate for a relationship. But don’t wait for him and definitely, don’t chase him!

    I like your use of the verb discover and explore, in relation to Jake: “I’m yet to discover… exploring is better”- yes, keep discovering and exploring, aka learning about Jake: who is he, what does he value, does he follow his words with action, does he keep his word, etc.

    anita

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