To me it sounds like you arent the type of person who takes much away from shallow or casual interactions. You much prefer deeper meaningful connections? You probably do this, because you know the type of person you are, what you’re capable of giving, and its generally a lot of time, effort and consideration for the people you consider close to you. However, you simply are not going to show this side of yourself to any person fresh off the street, without putting them through the test, to show they deserve you in their life. As much as you may want them in yours. Did I get anywhere close?

I suppose the best thing I could give that remotely lives in the neighborhood of advice would be, simply do not expect much out of people. However don’t allow yourself to become embittered because you feel you can rely on no one. I’ll assume that since you’re going back to college? the people/classmates are much younger than you. “flaky, selfish” and generally shallow seems to be the mold they are cutting people from these days. Not to say EVERYONE, but the majority of the ones that lay on the surface generally all shares these qualities. I would also suggest taking a little responsibility for your predicament and using the resources available to you due to the nature of your academic affiliations to seek out some people who may be more suited for friendship. Adult student groups? getting involved in a volunteer project? civic organizations such a united way, kiwanis. I generally find if you involve yourself in things that require people to commit their time and effort to something and give of themselves. These are the type of people you might click with.

Best of luck

Hi Sandy,

I’ve noticed that when you’re young, everyone’s pretty much the same. Everyone has the aura of a shiny happy puppy LOL. But then as we get older everyone gets a little “long in the tooth” and their individual personalities really come to the forefront. Or they stop being “nice” and will cast you loose if you don’t dovetail with their agenda all the time.

I don’t spend mental energy thinking about friendships. I’m not pessimistic, I just have an “it is what it is” attitude. Everyone has their own lives and won’t easily expand their individual Universe sometimes. And if you can meet someone from the neighborhood, class or organization who won’t drift away once they’re out of the neighborhood and once class and the cause is over, then they are golden. But you can’t ask for it, it’s like Kismet, a great gift you stumble upon.

Hi Sandy :)!!

Right, so two friends have cut contact with you because they feel you are ‘not a good friend’, they feel hurt and uncared for – and now you are feeling shitty about being surrounded by people you consider selfish or sketchy? In some way, are they not mirroring back to you something about how you are as a friend? And that you yourself should provide more love and care. Not to say, that these friends who have broken away from you are angels who can do not wrong, I am sure they have been bad friends in their own way as well but I think this is signifying to you something about yourself and how you behave in relationships.

In my own experience. I have had a friend who to me has been constantly critical, to the point where I don’t want to be friends with this person. But the problems in that relationship, I also seen are my own as well. I have sometimes ‘ganged up’ on her sarcastically in front of others and behaved unkindly. So that says something about me as a friend and I need to take responsibility. If we want to attract better friendships, we have to be more worthy friends ourselves. We have to take responsibility for the ways in which we are a shitty friend.

I learned to see how I was a shitty friend and how I had been unfair to my friend, and how this had contributed to the rebound of her critical behavior. If a friendship consists of love, kindness and trust; then all these issues would not arise. We have to grow love rather than just receive or take it and both people are responsible for creating the environment in which love and trust can grow. Stop expecting these perfect friends who will bring you happiness and kinds of great things, while massively underestimating what you need to give. It’s so important to give; genuine love and kindness brings it back. Personally in personal relationships, I have struggled with some resentment, anger and unfulfillment; but recently I have started to do loving kindness meditations; which have been really amazing. As a result, I feel more love for myself (so need less form others), but most importantly, I can REALLY give people love, which was lacking because of the focus on my ego/self – as in before, I focused on my wants and needs being met and the resentment and pain and anger when they weren’t. But I mean why do I deserve masses of love and fun for no reason other than that I am ‘awesome’? Why should I get them when I can only minimally give them?

You have to balance the ego, self-drives with a focus for loving kindness on others or you will be unfulfilled in relationships. Loving kindness meditation helps us to bring up a store of love to give, and makes us way more open and likely to receive that love back.

We need to use meditation to see where we go wrong and act the bad friend in our relationships; we will see he rebounding effects on our life far more easily and be willing to change and humble ourselves. Sitting, insight meditation is a great tool into understanding relationships.

As well as taking responsibility for yourself, you shouldn’t bother with friends like this, if you feel that their behavior is not changeable and negatively effects you. I have a group of friends, who are pretty fun, but they constantly bitch about one another, and by being that group I am less happy and become more bitchy myself. So I have to take responsibility for myself, and know I deserve loving, respectful friends. If they aren’t in that environment; can you need reach out to other environments until you find good, caring friends? Like when I was growing up, none of my friends were in my home town – they were a couple of towns away… I think it’s about keeping in mind what you deserve and what you want in your life, as well as taking responsibility for your own behavior.

This is a great talk on the topic :);

Even if you aren’t a Buddhist, the essence of the talk is if you keep the company of bad friends, you become less peaceful, less happy and your character and it’s nobility suffers (which ultimately is a very strong basis of your self and your happiness).

Good luck 🙂